Sober House 2, Season Finale: Pointlessness

It’s the moment we’ve all–well, six or seven of us, as I can’t imagine the ratings are much higher–been waiting for. The Sober House Season Finale. Not because we’re excited about something that’s happening in the episode itself, but mostly because it’s over.

Let’s get this over with, since not much happens.

Kendra is upset that Seth bailed last episode when his pornstar friend was walking around all hopped up on funny powder. He apologizes.

Dennis leaves early to make contractually obligated appearances at some STD-filled clubs in Edmonton. He meets with Drew to discuss the problem: He drinks cranberry juice at these things, but then the promoters call his agent complaining that they didn’t pay for cranberry-juice-drinking Rodman, they paid for wild and crazy Rodman. So…yeah…I get it. Promoters are manipulative scum. But also? Be a man. My continued impression of celebrities is that they want all the perks and accept none of the consequences. Don’t want to be treated like a cipher for alcoholic depravity? Don’t do the gig. Make money somewhere else. Did you save enough from your playing days? No? McDonald’s is hiring. Welcome to reality.

After platitudes from Drew, it’s on to the next segment. Drew meets with Mike. Drew wants him to continue treatment for another two months. Mike don’t wanna. Drew interrupts sternly: “Let’s be clear: You’re dying of addiction.” Yes. Yes. This is the Drew I’ve been waiting for. This was Celebrity Rehab Season 1 Drew. Ever since, he’s been wishy washy and lame. This is all we get, unfortunately. Just one line of Drew being a hardass. Then it’s over.

Bob arranges for Mike to participate in School of Rock, a program for kids to…meet drug addled rock stars. Ace Frehley stops by. His three-year anniversary of sobriety is coming up and he encourages Mike. Man, is Ace Frehley puffy and old. I still love that old Scooby Doo episode where they had a KISS-like guitarist named Ace Decade. Remember that? And the sheet music from the guy he killed (did they kill people in Scooby Doo? No, I guess they just stuffed them in closets and luggage trunks)–anyway the sheet music was code to spell out the name of his killer (abductor, whatever) with notes. Good thing his attacker’s name was Ace Decade and didn’t have a single letter outside of the notes A through G.

Drew takes Jenny K. to meet someone about getting production jobs in the non-porn world. Boring, next.

At night, there’s a School of Rock/Sober House concert in which Mike is playing. Mike freaks out and wants more meds, but eventually he goes on stage with Ace and a band of 14-year-olds. These are like the best 14-year-old musicians I’ve ever heard. They have timing and rhythm and other things you need to play competent music. I was expecting ’embarrassing high school band mangling the national anthem’ kinda stuff.

There’s some icky scene with Heidi straddling Tom and wishing him well. Zap, goes the fast forward button.

Mike agrees to aftercare. And the last 15 minutes is Drew narrating over summary clips of each cast member.

I expect garbage when I tune into shows like this, but it’s disappointing to see boring garbage. What did we learn? Mostly, I learned that I have better things to do with my time. I also learned that the big California earthquake is taking waaaaay too long.

Back to the episode guide.