Sober House 2, ep. 5: Dramalessness

Big flinch fight last time. Heidi ticked off Tom, so he took it out on Mike by getting within an inch of his face and spit-screaming at him. So. You know. It’s on, right? Right?

Never fear. Dr. Drew is on the way. He was originally swinging by to pick up Heidi, who tested positive for junk. So he’ll swoop in and save the day, speeding to the rescue in his modest little car…like an old grandma with her blinker on. He arrives just in time to hear Tom tell Mike, “When you least expect it, you gotta date with me.” Forget for a moment how unintentionally hilarious that is in a house full of sex addicts. It just reads that way. When Tom says it, it sounds pretty vicious. So. You know. It’s on, right? On. Right? Yes? On?

Off. Tom gets weepy with Drew and apologizes to Mike. One long big-man-hug later, we’re all friends again. Consarnit, Sober House, you always do this to me. Big drama cliffhanger and no pay-off. That’s their formula. My new formula? Dropped. I’ve lost all interest. This show can go watch itself.

Seth tapes Mike’s middle finger down so that he can’t flip off any more people. It’s a random scene, then we move to Drew. He’s determined that all the house members need more intensive therapy. Therefore, he’s decided to take them to a…”casual gathering” at a…diner. You know what gets resolved at diners? How many coleslaw bowls get taken back to the kitchen and re-served to the next customer. Not intensive therapy.

Later, Seth, Jen G., Jenny K. and Kendra hang out in the hot tub. Reality shows are required by law to have a hot tub. American Idol, in fact, pays a small fortune to be granted an exception. With Simon gone next year, expect to see that hot tub on stage. Perhaps they could take a page from this group. Seth and Kendra are taking turns hitting each other with a banana peel. Replace “hitting” and “banana peel” with “strangling” and “microphone cord” and you see how much of a ratings boost this could be for Idol. Jenny K. is triggered by all this nonsense (being a former dominatrix), so she leaves in a huff.

Next morning–hey, why is everyone always sleeping on couches? Next morning, Jenny K. is shouting “waterfalls” while people stumble out of bed/couch. Kendra now hates her.

The gang is all (not all, but Dennis, Kendra, Jenny K., Jen G. and Seth at least) going to climb a waterfall. Kendra thinks it’s crazy. Injecting her boobs and lips with whatever? Not crazy. Climbing on nature? Crazy. Now you know where she stands. Rather than, say, not coming along, she comes along and complains. “Hey Kari Ann, haven’t seen you in a while,” Jenny K. insults. The four climb up, repel down and everyone lives, contrary to Kendra’s prediction. Meanwhile, Kendra continues to seethe at Jenny K.’s insult.

Jen G. decides that the solution to all the interpersonal drama is to be super heavy handed with the house rules. The result of this, of course, is more interpersonal drama as she and Seth feud about chores and taking out the garbage. She claims to have reminded him repeatedly throughout the day. The show’s editors have chosen not to corroborate her story, so she comes off a little crazy. She finds an empty room and breaks down crying.

I’m sorry, is my recap short? So is this so-called hour-long show. It crams “up next” padding in every nook. I can only watch this on DVR so I can fast forward through all the up-nexts. The “next time on…” preview is typical Sober House editing shenanigans. Drew plays a clip for Jen G. in which she’s cursing out Mike. “If this were one of us, it’d be grounds for termination,” he says. Cut to a reaction of Jen G. Knowing Sober House, the missing part of this admonition totally deflates any drama or consequence whatsoever. I’m predicting that the part we don’t see is something like, “If this were one of us at the Pasadena Recovery Center, blah blah, termination, but since you’re not a staffer, you’re not fired, blah blah, just watch your language. Blah.” Maybe that’s what my recaps should be from here on out: “Blah.”

To the next episode, Gutlessness, or back to the episode guide.