Sober House 2, ep. 4: Lawlessness

I should never have started recapping Sober House. Never.

On the last episode, Dennis, Mike and Jenny K. were late and had to write 150-word essays about how that affected their sobriety. Tom Sizemore was also late I guess because he wrote an essay too. Today they have to read their essays in front of the group. Suddenly it’s 4th grade and they’re reading their “What I did last summer” essays in front of the class. It’s great. They read fast with a flat affect and odd pauses for catching their breath. “I went to Disneyland one of the. Things I did at Disneyland was ride the. Bumper cars one of the things I also. Did was ride the teacups.”

Tom’s and Jenny’s are normal. Mike’s is a string of obscenities. Dennis’ is ‘why’ repeated 150 times. I guess that’s more 3rd grade than 4th. My mistake.

Jen G., the house mother, means well, but she is completely unequipped for the role of rule enforcer. She interviews that she’s not there to be their friend, but she does. She really does. She walks around the house shaking her head, “I hope so-and-so isn’t late. That’s against the rules.” She makes sure the other housemates hear her. She wants them to shake their heads in unison with hers. “Yes, Jen G., that would be bad. You’ve got it so rough.” She wants them to be her support group, and that’s the problem. She’s there to be their support group. It doesn’t cut both ways. Her support needs to come from outside the house, like Drew for instance, who either can’t be bothered or never accurately assessed Jen G.’s aptitude for house mothering.

Jen G. looks at the Sober House gang. She wants to be their friend so bad. She’s a walking After School Special. Addict. Desperately lonely. Tired. Hugging a stuffed animal for warmth while she throws a tube of Pringles down her gullet. Has she gained all the weight back that she lost off-season?

Our dear Sober House guests are not getting their cell phones back until 4:30 pm. Tom wants his phone to talk to his girlfriend. He th–why is he so red? He throws a tantrum and leaves.

Mike calls someone to get Thai food wink, wink, which is code to get drugs. And maybe have a little Thai food on the side. Coconut shrimp or something.

Tom comes back and interviews that he can’t stand Jen G. and her rules. Then he gossips with the girls about how Heidi is the “most evil c-bleep in the world.” Heidi comes out to the patio where they are. She and Tom exchange muttered insults and Tom leaves again. Jen G. goes after him and Tom has a good cry.

Everybody went out today, so now they’ve all been tested for drugs upon return except for Mike, who’s just a pain about it. Why are Jen G. and Will having so much trouble? Is this how pros are trained to treat addicts? “Please test.” “Pretty please piss in a cup.” Heidi tests positive for opiates, amphetamines and benzos. Mike is clean, despite his erratic behavior. Tom thinks Mike is psychotic and is probably right. “Everybody thinks, ‘I can get better,’ but me,” Mike says.

Evening. Outside. Everybody’s sitting around the table. Tom decides to lecture Mike. It starts out nice, turns to ‘my pain is worse than your pain,’ then devolves into shouting. Before the shouting, Heidi randomly appears with a plate of sushi for Tom. He throws it on the floor and fake throws a pack of cigarettes at Mike. Two for flinching. He stands over Mike and shout/spits at him. One of the most toxic substances on earth. Tom Sizemore spit.

“Think you’re the only dope fiend on earth?” he says sitting back down. Dennis is calmly smoking a cigar and enjoying the show. Tom tells Mike that if some toxic-spitting crazy ever came up to him like that, he’d fight him. So confident is Tom in his fight-losing skills that he adds, “I’d take the beating!” If you hear someone shouting that line randomly during the next week or so, that’s me. Say hi. Mike decides to test Tom’s fight-losing skills and as Will steps between them, we break until next week.

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