Sober House 2, ep. 2: Get a job

The only thing that can save this show is a 9.2 that flushes this noxious city into the Pacific (and that’s coming from someone who actually likes LA).

Day 2.

Still no state-killing earthquake. Kari Ann stirs from a couch: “I need juice.” Mike is not doing well (I’d guess because people are not supposed to be fucking detoxing in sober living, but hey, I’m no doctor, eh Drew?).

Drew has a one-on-one with Kari Ann. Mindy McCready (from Celebrity Rehab 3) is living in her house. Kari Ann blames Jen G. for last night (because Kari Ann is insane), then she goes off on a rant about Mindy and how she’s terrible and going to steal all her stuff and is mean and nasty and will sprout wings out of her back and worships Khorne, the blood god. “You…tend to distort things people say,” Drew says. No, says Kari Ann, who at that very moment is distorting Drew’s message into “you are a purple goat named Steve.”

Group session.

Kari Ann launches into Mindy again. There’s some drama about Kari Ann caught in a threesome sex tape with some douche from Grey’s Anatomy (and his douchette wife). Rumor has it that Mindy found the file on Kari Ann’s computer and sold it. I find it remarkable that Kari Ann can use a computer. Maybe she has an assistant do it for her in-between fetching juice.

Kari Ann disrupts the entire group again and is in a car with a Sober House producer, driver and cameraman on their way to the house. Enroute, she hits the cameraman. Jen G. learns of this and taps her fingertips together, “Excellent.” She kicks Kari Ann out. “Sober House is the last thing she needs right now,” Jen G. says. “She needs an institution.” Amen sister.

Day 3: Bob’s Group.

Time to get a job, you freeloaders. “Society says you are what you do, and that’s not true,” says Bob the addict musician. “It’s about who you are and how you do things.” Tom and Dennis think this job thing is a bunch of bs. Allow me to speak for the rest of us job-havers of the world, “Tom and Dennis, go eat dirt, you spoiled nits.”

Seth Binzer. Drew gets (yet another, if you’ve seen these shows before) an emergency call from Seth ‘Shifty’ Binzer. “In my head,” Drew mugs sadly, “I’ve already said my good-byes.” One last chance. Really. The last one. This is for real this time. One more. Last chance. One. Final. Chance. Andthenmaybeonemoreforkicks.

Day 4: work.

Kendra and Tom do laundry at a mission. Kendra asks if the laundry is dirty. I’m going to pause here and give you a moment to let that sink in. She’s wearing latex gloves but doesn’t want to touch anything. Head Laundry Dude is like, what don’t you understand about the gloves?

Seth, Dennis and Jenny K. move hay bales. They’re all pretty cool about it. Dennis says he grew up on a farm, which is about the first interesting personal tidbit I’ve ever heard about Dennis Rodman.

Heidi and Mike do dishes and clean the bathrooms at a restaurant.

Back to Kendra who’s doing her lips. “This is not make-up time,” says Head Laundry Dude. Busted! Maybe if her lip implants weren’t so huge she’d have finished before he noticed. They argue, Kendra leaves. She says he’s “talking down” to her. See, to celebrities, hearing the word ‘no’ in any form is equivalent to an insult. Even for E-listers. And she doesn’t even rate. She’s so far down the alphabet we’d have to start using Greek letters.

Mike decides it’s time to take a break. Nah, on second thought, let’s just leave. I thought Heidi was coming out to talk to him, but she decides to leave too. How many people are they going to kick off in one episode?

At the house, Mike turns back into a belligerent zombie. He shoves a camera out of the way. According to the previews, either half of Sober House is getting kicked off in episode 3, or Drew is going to step in and reaffirm his “there are no consequences for your actions” policy.

To the next painful episode, or back to the more painful episode guide.