Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, season 3: Season Finale (ep. 9 recap)

After having just sat through the season finale completely sober (by accident, I swear), I’ve come to the conclusion that this show is borderline unwatchable without beer.

So far, this season has been a colossal failure for Dr. Drew. He violated his own rules. Was lax on rule violators.  Behavioral contracts were violated left and right. Heidi fled. Tom fled. Kari Ann fled just last episode. The worst part is, these little dramas haven’t been all that interesting. “Why am I watching this?” came to mind several times this week and last. For my part, I’m satisfied that the reason is: “well, at least it’s not as bad as that godawful Celebrity Fit Club.” And I’m watching that too. I suck.

Kari Ann has left. Dr. Drew shows up in a hoodie ready to handle the crisis. He’s like a life-sized action figure. There’s Dr. Drew in Serious Medical Gear. There’s Business Casual Drew for the one-on-one sessions. Today we get Crisis Management Drew with Crisis-Fighting Hoodie. He, Loesha and…Heidi, who has suddenly become an honorary member of the staff, decide to call Kari Ann to get her back. Man, Kari Ann exasperates me. The thing with her is that even though you hate her, she’s not a very good reality show villain. She’s not Puck, she’s no Dustin Diamond. She doesn’t do anything outrageous or villainy. She’s just a self-centered jerk and her act is tiresome. There’s nothing to grab onto from week to week where you’d say, “ooooh, what’s she gonna do next?”

“Kari Ann has improved so much,” says Drew. No she hasn’t, says me. In fact, every frame of video broadcast this season back me up.

Field trip flashback! Mack lives on the set of Independence Day. Wow, her home is a disaster area. This is where the show turns into Celebrity Home Makeover. It’s nice-nice to Mack; nuts to the rest of the cast.

Kari Ann decides to come back right before the commercial break. Ugh, I made the mistake of watching this in real time instead of DVR. Nothing kills the buzz of a rotten show than commercials.

After the break, we see Mack’s new bathroom and bedroom. Gone is the blood-spattered ceiling (yes, ceiling). In its place is…well, a new paint job and, really, it just looks like they vacuumed her shit. I guess my Independence Day comparison wasn’t quite accurate because those aliens obliterated shit; they didn’t just aim the dishevelling gun at our cities.

Day 21.

Packing and graduation. They’re casting Sober House as this ends, so they need to know everyone’s plans. Graduation is “less of a celebration and more of a somber warning,” says Drew. They’re holding it in a cemetery this year. It’s cool except it’s not a Night of the Living Dead cemetery and more of a ‘Lifetime movie with candles’ cemetery.

You know the drill. Each one gets up to say something about how grateful they are, then their peers stand up and say something nice about that person, then Drew and staff chime in. By the time they reach this point, my enthusiasm for this show has dropped off the cliff. I don’t know if I’ll make it past the first episode or two of Sober House 2.

Kari Ann is first. She’s really part of this graduation? Mindy cries words of praise because that’s what she does. Drew says he’s impressed by how much work she’s done. Can you hear my vertebrae squeak as I shake my head?

Mike monotones his thank yous. Tom blubbers that he doesn’t want to bury Mike. If he did, it would be the most exercise Tom’s had in 34 years.

Heidi blah blahs something. Tom says she’s a lovely person and doesn’t need to be alone with those birds. Uh oh. Heidi will revenge that remark in triplicate in a moment.

Mindy cries again. She’s got a camel hump just for storing tear water. There’s no other explanation. Drew says she’s the “angel in the group.” Thank god the renaissance painters did not use her as a model for their works. Oh, Drew, “angel in the group”? What does that even mean?

Joey. Drew calls him a…specimen? Is Drew drunk?

Mack. Kari Ann gets up to speak. “Wish I had something nice to say, but you let me down.” Nice. Thanks for that. Does Drew interject at all? No, of course not. It would’ve been awesome if Drew got all ghetto on her. “Whassup? Why you gotta be like that, yo? Why you trippin?” I could’ve forgiven this whole season for that one moment. Unlike Kari Ann, Dennis is impressed by Mack and thinks she is profound. Dennis is actually articulate in this episode and has a lot of nice things to say about people. Meanwhile, Drew whips out some Aristotle on Mack. I guess my dream of Ghetto Drew is dead.

Tom…needs to get on Celebrity Fit Club. He is not a thin man. When Heidi gets up to comment, it’s E.F. Hutton time: people listen. “You’re such a loser,” she says. “The thought of you turns women gay.” Kapow. “I’m going real easy on you,” she finishes as she sits down. Ouch. Drew says nothing to address her behavior, but at least Bob pipes up to the effect that people you’ve wronged during your addiction will be angry, they have every right to be, and you can’t let it derail your recovery.

Lisa. I forgot she was on this show.

Dennis starts off with this gem: “I can’t say I’m gonna stop driking.” But he concedes, “I gotta straighten s-bleep out.” What’s the point of bleeping when you do it after the first letter of the word is audible?

Commercials. Jessica Simpson has convinced VH1 to pay for her travels around the world while half-assedly shooting a show about different standards of beauty. Here are three TV show ideas off the top of my head that are at least four times more compelling: 1) Jessica Simpson blindfolded and alternatively fed gourmet restaurant dishes and medical waste, 2) me clipping my nails, 3) Ghetto Drew.

Sober Living.

Okay, who’s up for sober living in an environment that will be filmed 24/7?

Kari Ann? Yes. Mike? Yes. Heidi? “I love my birds, plus I’m cured, but I’ll go.” Mindy? No, she’s got to take care of her 3-year-old. Joey? Yes, but not now. Mack? No, will rely on her existing support group. Tom? Wants to go home, but will do it. Lisa? No. Dennis? We’ll find out after a commercial break.

More commercials. Oh, end the pain. Dennis hems and haws, but says yes. And that sends us into another montage of previously aired footage. What an end for this disasterpiece. It segues neatly into Sober House 2, which will feature folks from this show and some from Sex Rehab plus Seth Binzer (season 1 and 2 of Celeb Rehab). Color me not at all impressed with that cast. I’ll watch ep 1, but will look for any excuse to bail on that show.

I think a big problem is that this show needs Drew to channel a little more Simon Cowell or Gordon Ramsay. It’s far too tame, and Drew’s laxity with the rules (it wasn’t like that in season 1) makes the whole exercise pointless. I’ll say this for season 3: it has cured me of my Celebrity Rehab addiction.

Kinda, sorta continued in Sober House season 2, or go back to the season guide.