When last we left Celeb Rehab, Tom Sizemore was soaked from head to toe in sweat. Not normal sweat. The overweight addict kinda sweat. Smells like street tar and vomit.
Drew had proposed to Tom that they meet with Monroe (his girlfriend) to get her into therapy. Tom changes the tune from “Help” to “We Gotta Get out of This Place.” (Beatles? Animals? No? You can substitute your own Kanye West references here if you wish.) Instead of helping Monroe, Tom wants to help himself to some meth. He grabs her and bolts for the door. Oh man, horrific backfire, Drew! Except…wait…Monroe stops and wants to check in. Tom ain’t goin’ nowhere. So. Uh. No drama. Once again, lied to by the promos.
Drew is visibly relieved as he imagined his whole credibility walking out with Tom. He joins Tom and Mack who are talking. Drew is speechless and blurts, “Dude!” “Wyld Stallyns!” says Bill and/or Ted. Tom is still moist.
Quick aside: When Tom and Monroe went outside it looked like a studio lot. Lights. Scrims. It was hilarious, like Drew’s whole enterprise is on a Warner Brothers backlot. Tonight’s special stuntcasting guest star is…Batman!
Day…I dunno, 12? Did we skip 12?
Group session.
Kari Ann is putting on her hair spray before group. The rest of the gang have to wait for her. Once inside, Drew says that addiction is the only disease you have to convince people they have. Is bad hygiene a disease? Because that’s not easy to convince people they have either. What about hoarders? There’s some new tv show about them. They don’t seem convinced either. Drew, do you research this stuff beyond your VH1 production staff of non-medical professionals?
Kari Ann offers that she has trust issues and often withdraws from people. Mackenzie Philips wants her to be part of the group. She’s trying to be inclusive but that sets Kari Ann off particularly when Mack lets loose with a comment that Kari Ann doesn’t leave her room. “I’m tired,” Kari Ann whines like a 3-year-old. “Not too tired to put on make-up and change clothes four times a day,” Mack shoots back. Kari Ann: “Don’t make comments about me getting dressed. I don’t make comments about you not getting dressed.” If this were said by a person slightly less horrible than Kari Ann, it would be funny. Instead, it’s throw down time.
“Wow, I didn’t deserve that,” Mack shakes her head sadly. “That’s a soft spot for you because you’re overreacting.” “Okay, doctor,” Kari Ann snots back. Um. Okay. I guess it’s not ‘throw down time.’ It’s like ‘tame rejoinder time.’
Mindy (jeez, haven’t seen much of her since the seizure) says Kari Ann reminds her of her bleep’s (‘mother’s,’ we presume) selfishness. Kari Ann takes this as an attack because she’s an idiot. (Mindy, you need to have another seizure or else you may not get airtime again until the finale.)
Kari Ann says she’s having a hard time being here. Drew says she’s doing a good job and asks the group if there’s anything they want to say to encourage her and make her feel safe. Crickets. (Awesome!)
Mindy goes on again about how Kari Ann reminds her of her bleep, and Kari Ann can’t handle it so she leaves. Drew, whose therapeutic record is on shaky ground despite the Sizemore switch (after all, it wasn’t Drew who stopped him from leaving), offers a weak, “Stay. Stay…What are you doing, Dave?…Stop…stop…will you stop, Dave?…I’m afraid. I’m a…fraid…Dave. Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do…”
Mack goes after Kari Ann. Shelly joins them. “You want to go back to group? It might help–” “Do not ask me that stupid question,” Kari yell/cries back.
After group, the gang are hanging out by the coffee area. Kari Ann walks by and passively/aggressively mimics, “I’m somebody’s mother.” This is what Mack said when she was arrested. It. Is. On!
Mack confronts Kari in her room. “Why did you do that?” “Because you’re a bitch,” reasons Kari. “You’re a rude little girl,” Mack says. “You’re an ugly old lady.” I see what Kari Ann does. Because she has no thoughts of her own, she can only say the opposite of what you say to her back to you. Mack should shout, “You’re an orange!” to see what would happen. Instead, she leaves. It’s not ‘on’ after all. Hmph. Mack sidebars that, “I think there might be some…thing loose” in Kari Ann’s head. Probably an old earring.
Morning meditation.
Everyone goes around and says their name and that they are an addict. Dennis Rodman, however, still does not identify as an addict.
Day 13.
Right, so we are skipping day 12 then? Shelly and Drew think Dennis is in major denial. Drew takes Dennis to the same brain dude where Mindy went: Dr. Amen. Drew reasons that if Dennis can see physical evidence of the effects of his addiction, he will change his ways. Dr. Amen pops up Dennis’ brain on a computer screen. Dennis has brain damage, and Dr. Amen cautions that alcohol-induced dementia is a possibility if he doesn’t change. “Doesn’t matter,” says Rodman. Ohhhhhhhhhh, another backfire, Drew. Back at the Pasadena Recovery Center, Drew asks Dennis how he felt about the brain scan. “He said what he said, and he said what he said.” Dennis, what’s the weather like outside? “Two plus two is four.”
Movie time.
Movie time, field trips, it’s like fifth grade with this show. Drew shows videos of Brigitte Nielsen, Rodney King, Amber Smith and American Idol‘s own Jessica Sierra. The footage is from their time on earlier seasons of Celebrity Rehab. Dennis is like whatever, and Brigitte calls him out on it. Afterwards, they have a one-on-one. Dennis: “It’d be different if I was like all bleeped up mother bleeper like most people here. I’m a lot stronger than these bleepers here.” Brigitte sympathizes because she had the same attitude. Rodman listens while smoking a cigar. Is there any affectation that says, “I don’t care what you think” more succinctly than a cigar?
Phone call. Mack’s dog, Max, is dying and it’s time to put him down. Drew let’s Mack go to the vet. He wouldn’t do this for one of Heidi’s birds. Anyway, what gives this segment “the comedy” is that the previews show Mack weeping and you hear enough chopped up dialog to know that someone close to her is dying. Then she says, “put him down,” and you go, “a pet?” Hahaha! Heh…why aren’t you laughing?
Mack gives Max some ice cream as a last meal. No cheap stuff for Max. Haagen Dazs (I was not close to spelling that correctly). And cue music. Oh, the music. It’s Emotopia on Celebrity Rehab.
Day 14.
Morning meditation. Everyone announces their name and that they’re an addict. Dennis Rodman: “Rodzilla. I’m an alcoholic.” Happy ending? Sure, why not. Let’s leave the cliffhanger to the previews this time. The teaser is Heidi with a gigantic parrot on her arm cursing the show. Yes. Yes, I will tune in for that.
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I would be mortified to be acting like any of these people in public.