Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, season 3 ep. 5 recap

Celebrity Rehab? Check. DVRed so I don’t have to sit through any more rancid commercials? Check. Cold beer? Check. Paraphrasing of the opening because I can’t be bothered to write it down? Check: “This is what happens when D-list celebrities need cash and no other reality show will have them. This…is American Idol.” Damn. I wish it was American Idol. Celebrity Rehabbing we go.

Kari Ann Peniche (Miss Teen USA brat) and Shelly Sprague (staffer and former addict) had a little run-in on Sex Rehab, one of Dr. Drew’s spin-offs (still waiting for Gambling Rehab (awesome idea), MMORPG Rehab (awesomer idea),  and Blog Rehab (awesomest idea)). Long story short? Kari Ann is a tantrum-prone brat. On her way out of the clinic, she tossed water on Shelly. On tonight’s episode, she returns. Apology? Haha, no, but Kari Ann and Shelly do share an awkward hug. I cross my fingers hoping Shelly will reach back and slug her. Drew is confident that treating Kari Ann’s drug addiction will fix her behavior issues. I am confident that nothing short of a fatal bus accident can do that.

Cut to shots of Kari Ann talking about stuff, but she has differently colored hair in each shot. More reality show time trickery. Ugh, this makes me think she did some ‘candid’ interviews after principal shooting, and therefore we will be stuck with her for the duration. Speaking of Kari Ann’s hair, it is not unlike the Scarecrow’s from The Wizard of Oz, i.e. it is made of straw. Oop, no roommate for Kari Ann. In this show, that’s a big-time perk. Kari interviews that she is “really embarrassed” about her addiction. “Not a lot of people know about it. It’s like my secret.” Like, fer shure, an’ y’know what? Like, no one will remember you after this show, so, like,  go do your rehab and shut up.

She meets with Dr. Drew, and Drew says good-bye to her Adderall pills (she’s an amphetamine addict, and Adderall is chock full o’ that). This is a huge blow to Kari Ann–not that Adderall is filled with 20 essential vitamins and amphetamines, but that she has to change anything in her life in order to change anything in her life. Life is like so unfair. Without Adderall, Kari whines, she “can’t focus.” On what? Epistemology? Go put on more eyeliner. At the end of the meeting, Drew wishes her good luck. “No, you good luck,” Kari responds. Good one.

On Sex Rehab, Kari Ann never wanted to wake up early and go to the group sessions. This season, she doesn’t want to wake up early and go to the group sessions. If Drew will hand her the keys, I think Shelly could totally make that bus accident happen.

Now we enter from commercial break to shitty music. It’s day…uh…okay not saying what day it is. That’s cool too.

Day 10.

Oh, okay. Way late on that, but thanks.

Group session with Drew and Bob Forrest. I don’t understand the next part where Bob tells us Tom Sizemore’s situation is “complicated.” “Why is it complicated, Bob?” asks the entire rest of the cast. Because Tom says fuck you and still uses. Huh? If that’s complicated, I’m pretty sure I could own Bob at chess. “Why does the horsey move like that?” It’s complicated, Bob. It says fuck you and still moves like that. Checkmate, by the way.

Back to Heidi’s birds. Heidi Fleiss likes them. Drew does not. Heidi confesses that she hates people. Mike Starr agrees. So do I. Kari Ann is confused. Shelly is warming up the bus.

Midnight. Tom’s girlfriend Monroe arrives. Monroe (perhaps her stage name if not her real name) has to submit to a urine analysis if she is to enter the facility (because she smuggled drugs in to Tom last time). She refuses.

The next break they tell us that the shitty music is by Alpha Rev. Good job, lamers. Grow a set and learn some frickin power chords.

Drew meets Tom to talk about bringing Monroe into treatment. “How much?” Tom asks (awesome). “Taken care of,” Drew answers. I want Drew’s magical hair to pay for my health insurance. Drew wonders aloud to us (or else telepathically, which would jump this show from an 8 to a full 10) if Tom and Monroe would be together if neither were on drugs. We all know the answer to that one.

Day 11.

Heidi, Tom and Mike Starr sit around a table outside. “I can’t believe you had a $2 million house making $200k a week and now you’re homeless,” Heidi says. “He’s not homeless!” I shout at the screen. Mike loves Tom. “Don’t give Tom a hard time. I love Tom,” Mike says. Mike loves Tom. Loves him. Makes goo-goo eyes at Tom. Wants to show Tom his special area. “Why couldn’t you love Tom?” Mike asks Heidi. Away from the group, Heidi interviews, “Tom Sizemore is a scumbag. This homeless old man drug addict trying to be all cool. It’s disgusting.” Heidi is very manipulative in terms of telling you what you want to hear, but this has a ring of truth to it. Tom and Heidi hang out alone now (Mike, presumably, is off making a Valentine’s Day card). “I need a rich boyfriend,” says Heidi (this also has a ring of truth). Admittedly, Tom no longer qualifies. Then he makes a come on. “Those days are long gone,” says Heidi. More truth. Yuck.

Cut to a set (or is it a church or funeral home?…kinda looks like a set). A woman from MADD talks to the group. She killed someone while drinking and driving. Shelly, our dear, cold, frigid Shelly, is crying. And then she freezes as her robotic body rusts solid.

Kari Ann. More scenes of her being a brat. I had to stop myself from fast forwarding through her nonsense. She asks for cigarettes and then tantrums when they give her soft pack cigarettes instead of hard pack. Are you kidding? Dennis Rodman gives her the rolleyes. Rolleyes from Dennis Rodman! Do you have any idea how rare that is?

Commercials. Mel Gibson is still making movies. Is it Mad Max IV? No? Then not interested.

Drew meets Tom and Monroe to discuss…why is Tom damp? He’s moist. Moist Sizemore. I was less revolted by Mike Starr’s carpet vomit. God, his whole head is wet. Uh, yeah, anyway, Monroe is high. This turns from, “let’s get Monroe into treatment” to Tom saying he wants to go home. It’s amusing how many of Drew’s tactics blow up in his face and…Tom is soaked. Soaked. Suddenly, Tom and Monroe bolt for the door. Drew follows in cliffhanger fashion.

Next episode: how is Tom able to generate so much water when California is in perpetual drought?

Or back to the season guide.