Celebrity Fit Club 7, ep. 9: Season Finale

It’s hard to believe this show is finally over. As these E-listers resolved to trim the fat, so have I: my junk TV viewing. Goodbye Celebrity Fit Club.

It’s the walking wounded. Tanisha wears a knee brace. Shar’s shoulder is in a sling that looks like it was designed by a 4th grader with glitter glue and rhinestones. They’re sitting out this one.

The other six of our Fit Clubbers are back where they started on week 1: the CFC obstacle course. It’s the Punisher, an obstacle course capped off by a huge climbing tower. I miss week 1, the days of Ghost Climber and hope that this season wouldn’t suck. As an added incentive, custom CFC dogtags await the climbers at the top of the tower.

Jay vs. Kevin. As with week 1, Kevin beats Jay to the tower, but Jay smokes him on the way up. They both reach the top.

Bobby vs. Sebastian. You know what I hate about finales of shows like this? It’s all so happy slappy positive. Everyone’s a winner. Zipadeedoo. Bobby wins but they both make it to the top.

Nicole vs. Kaycee. Nicole wins easily. Kaycee breaks down halfway up the tower and starts crying as if the tower beat her with a belt and dumped her at an orphanage. Seconds later, she pulls it together and reaches the top.

Even though Red Team got the best overall time, the show has determined that Blue Team improved their time the most from week 1 so they win the challenge. Normally I’d make a quip comparing this kind of weirdness to an example if the principle were applied to football, but this show doesn’t deserve to be compared to the NFL.

Morning PT.

Shar is getting X-rays; Nicole is playing sick. The rest (even Tanisha in her knee brace) do PT. Harvey is proud of all of them which makes for the least riveting TV you can imagine. I think I’d rather recap some unicorn fairy princess cartoon. After PT, Harvey gives each Fit Clubber a sack of weight equivalent to what they’ve lost during the season. The weights are shaped like globs of fat, by that I mean they look like Tanisha.

Rhonda the Talentless.

Even though I still think Rhonda is talentless and that all life coaches should be banished to a remote Pacific island where nuclear testing has mutated cockroaches to the size of small mountains, this particular exercise seems cruel and unusual so I’ll watch. Rhonda pairs them up, and they have to give “brutally honest” advice to each other.

Jay to Nicole: Stop being bitchy.

Nicole to Jay: You’re insecure.

Kaycee to Sebastian: Stop being angry.

Sebastian to Kaycee: Not everyone has to like you. (Missed opportunity not pairing Sebastian with Tanisha.)

Shar to Bobby: Stop smoking.

Bobby to Shar: You need to open up.

Kevin to Tanisha: Don’t be so down on yourself. That’s helpful. It’s like those job interviews where they ask you, “What are your weaknesses?” and you say, “I work too hard.” Bzzt, wrong answer.

Tanisha to Kevin: Speak out for yourself more.

Then Kevin turns to Shar and apologizes. So. Okay. Little tender moment. Long overdue. But does it measure up to the big, trashy, crazy drama we expect from the worst TV has to offer? No.

Weigh-ins.

The Fit Clubbers are dressed in their Oscar best, if the Academy Awards were held at a Knights of Columbus pot luck dinner in Boise.

Oh damn, they’re doing video clip shows of each contestant as they’re called up.

Shar 146 lbs. to 128 lbs. -18 lbs. on the season.

Kaycee 196 lbs. to 167 lbs. -29 lbs. on the season. She has a waist again.

Nicole 130 lbs. to 120 lbs. -10 lbs. on the season. Nicole is still not following Dr. Ian’s diet and Rhonda says, “We can give you the tools,” (heh, ‘we,’ nice try), “but you have to use them. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” Then Nicole makes an exaggerated sigh that unintentionally sounds like a horse. I feel like I’m 8 years old again laughing at this.

Sebastian 223 lbs. to 205 lbs. -18 lbs. on the season. Lost 0 this week.

Tanisha 240 lbs. to 216 lbs. -24 lbs. on the season. Oh god, she’s written a poem and they’re letting her read it. I wasn’t ashamed of watching this show until just now.

Bobby 199 lbs. to 188 lbs. -11 lbs. on the season. Gained one pound this week. True to his word, he writes a check for $9,000 for a charity of Dr. Ian’s choice (which may be the Dr. Ian Teeth Whitening Foundation for all we know). Then he storms out. Harvey talks him back, and I wish I could say it was huge drama. Not a big deal in the end.

Jay 258 lbs. to 218 lbs. -40 lbs. on the season.

Kevin 232 lbs. to 202 lbs. -30 lbs. on the season.

Jay wins the individual contest. What has he won? Fifty grand in shitty prizes that he’ll have to pay taxes on. Basically, he’s just won a bill. That’s not totally fair. He won a pool table and overpriced Gibson gear and 20k in cash (which is all going to taxes).

Blue Team wins and their prize is a lot of the same crap Jay won plus a trip to Aruba. In Aruba, Tanisha will fight King Ghidorah the rights to nest on the small island.

Wake me when UFC holds the Harvey Walden IV vs. Dustin Diamond grudge match.

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