Celebrity Fit Club 7, ep. 6: The Art of Whine

Bus.

They’ve salvaged a bus segment this episode. “I worked out like a crackhead,” says Shar. When is the last time you saw a crackhead at the gym? Or pump iron in their crack den? Or do anything other than smoke more crack?

Bobby’s agent booked a show in London the following night, so he’s going to have to leave a day early. Jay is put out because, “this is a commitment too.” Harvey agrees and gives Bobby a choice: stay for CFC or leave for London now. My opinion of the London music scene dropped 3 points upon learning they’re willing to pay to see Bobby Brown perform.

Meanwhile, Nicole is sick, so Red Team is hurting this episode. Just before they leave for the obstacle course, Harvey tells Bobby to man up, and Bobby slinks off to London.

The Red Team is Jay McCarroll (Project Runway), Bobby Brown (singer), Nicole Eggert (Baywatch) and Shar Jackson (Moesha).

The Blue Team is Kaycee Stroh (High School Musical), Sebastian Bach (Skid Row), Kevin Federline (dancer) and Tanisha Thomas (Bad Girls Club).

Challenge.

Something about each of the four stages in the challenge will play to one strength. Team captains are advised to choose participants wisely. Tanisha hopes there’s a makeup challenge. I’ve been rough on Tanisha, so give her some bonus points for the makeup crack.

1. Endurance. Contestants have to run with a parachute strapped to their back towards a giant fan. If they make it, they’re chopped to pieces and served at dinner. Jay vs. Tanisha (so no matter what, we’re gonna eat well tonight). Tanisha says she dreamt about dying and a Celebrity Fit Club staffer had to call her manager. This is what she dreams? Of her manager? Celebrities have no imagination. Also: she has a manager? Why, to make sure her daily 3-ton diet of Twinkies arrives in a timely fashion every week?

At the finish line, Tanisha collapses. Who moved the fan? I was expecting tiny bits of Tanisha blubber splattered everywhere. Jay: “This is a typical Tanisha moment. Is it real or is it Memorex?” True to form, she gets up for more drama. Jay won the challenge.

2. Sled pull. This tests how well the contestants would do as wolf-dogs in the Iditarod. They have to haul sand bags to a sled and then pull the sled back to where the sand bags were. No one thinks to pull the sled to the bags first, then load up the sled. That’s the kind of smart, out of the box, power gamer thinking this show needs more of.

It’s Jay vs. Kevin. Kevin pulls out way in front, but Nicole shouts at Jay to turn around and pull the sled behind him (he was facing the sled and backing up towards the finish line). Once Jay turns around, he blows past Kevin for the win.

3. Agility. Contestants run around collecting flags while Harvey shoots tennis balls at them. Anybody else envy Harvey’s job? Kaycee vs. Shar. I think Shar won. I forgot. It doesn’t matter because the winner is being determined by cumulative time.

4. One mile uphill run with hurdles. Red Team is 1:30 minutes ahead. Nicole is not exactly thrilled by the event she has to do. Then again, Nicole isn’t thrilled by much except maybe a full case of wine. Preferred vintage? As fast as you can squeeze them thar grapes.

Just as Nicole is ready to spout a different type of whine, Bobby comes running up the road. He’s had a change of heart and rejoins the team. He’s going to save the day, right? When they tell him about the next event, he has another change of heart. With a little coaxing, it’s Bobby vs. Sebastian. The ‘hurdles’ are just stacks of hay bales. They basically stepping over them. There’s not a lot of hurdling going on (these f-ing wussy celebs). Sebastian notes that Bobby is a smoker. Sure enough Bobby hits the wall and it is made out of Marlboro cartons. Sebastian wins and by enough of a margin to give the Blue Team the big ‘W.’ Harvey names Bobby deadweight and he has to move all the hay stacks to the finish line.

“You know what would make this day complete?” Sebastian interviews. “A dance-off.” Yeah, they get everyone together in front of some DJ and have a mini dancing competition that gets 1/100 of the Nielsens So You Think You Can Dance regularly pulls in. It’s about what you’d expect. Bobby, Kevin and Kaycee are better than everyone else. Kaycee wins. If I wanted to write about dance, I’d recap SYTYCD. Next segment…

Reveille.

Boxing. Jay is digging on the boxer. Heavy. At the end of the workout, the boxer goes one one-minute round with each Fit Clubber. Before they start, he tells Jay to get closer. Closer. Closer. Softly. Closer. Where is this going? During the round, Jay lands a punch to the face…and stops. “Am I allowed to do that?” After the rounds is up, the boxer punches Jay in the ass. So concludes a happy workout for Jay.

At dinner, Jay’s got a lot of pent-up “stop being idiots” stuff for Nicole and Bobby. Nicole preempts him with, “you need to just worry about Jay.” Jay is pissed but eats it…for now.

Weigh-ins.

Kevin. 212 lbs. -3 lbs.

Tanisha. 228 lbs. -1 lbs. Was partying and drinking last week. Ian and Harvey are exasperated.

Shar. 134 lbs. -3 lbs.

Sebastian. 210 lbs. -1 lbs. He has late night cravings. Ian’s advice: instead of eating, have sex.

Bobby. 191 lbs. +0 lbs. Last week, Bobby asked Harvey to give him a 10am wake-up call. Harvey called all 3 phone numbers and didn’t get through to Bobby at all. Do not stand-up Harvey. Ian decides that for every pound Bobby doesn’t hit for his target, he has to donate to a charity of Ian’s choice.

Kaycee. 180 lbs. -4 lbs.

Nicole. 127 lbs. +3 lbs. Dr. Ian: “Every single week, it’s always an excuse.”

Jay. 231 lbs. -7 lbs. Dr. Ian tells him to turn around and give the others two tips. Remember that “for now” earlier? This is now. “Stop complaining, stop the excuses, stop the bullshit, and follow the plan. Stop lying to yourselves.” Bobby mutters, “He can kiss my black ass. Snitch ass bitch.” Ian and Harvey backup Jay. “What you did took gonads the size of hemispheres,” Harvey says. I wish I had recapped Celebrity Fit Club from season 1 because Harvey has some serious testicular fixation issues. Everything takes balls the size of larger balls. He would’ve loved Transformers 2.

Blue Team has the lead but barely. Jay (he’s the most likable character here–Sebastian has good moments and Tanisha at least has a personality even if she grates on me) is the overall leader. Also, I gotta go back and fix my spelling of ‘reveille’ in every recap because I just spotted my misspelling now.

To the next episode or back to the episode guide.