Celebrity Fit Club 7, ep. 3

You know what I hate to admit? I kinda dig the Celebrity Fit Club theme song. Some nice warm, crunchy guitar there. Good stuff, even though my admission will cost me a few cool points.

Bus.

Ugh. I got nothing from this segment. I miss the Erin Moran bus segments when she was a total psycho.

Role call.

Jay’s sideburns are looking as long and sharp as mine. A little too long actually. He also doesn’t wear the goatee well. Fix that face, Jay. Fix it.

Jay confronts Bobby about the drinking and to his credit Bobby takes the vodka–the huge CostCo-sized plastic jug of it–and dumps it out in the compound. I hear some of you screaming, “Nooooooooooo!” My sympathies. My sympathies also go out to this show, because they need a drunk Bobby Brown for entertainment. So far this season ain’t cutting it. Knowing how evil reality TV producers are, I’m sure a PA was on the walkie talkie to pick up a new jug of America’s cheapest vodka for the barracks.

By the time we hit the first commercial break, we’ve seen more previews and “last week on…” footage than the actual show. Amazing.

POW Escape Challenge.

It’s too complicated to explain. Let me just say this: two German Shepherds are involved. Bobby hides on the bus, but after a quick talk from Harvey, he’s ready to go. Oh, okay. I get it now. All four team members are ankle-chained together. For the last leg of the challenge, sirens wail and those two dogs come charging down the hill. Oh, screw this. They’re muzzled. There’s no danger whatsoever. It’s like saying Freddy Kruger is going to chase you (oooh, scary!) but his knifes will be replaced by cotton puffs (oooh, not scary!).

The Red Team is Jay McCarroll (Project Runway), Bobby Brown (Whitney Houston’s crack buddy), Nicole Eggert (Baywatch) and Shar Jackson (Moesha).

The Blue Team is Kaycee Stroh (High School Musical), Sebastian Bach (Skid Row), Kevin Federline (Britney Spears’ ex) and Tanisha Thomas (Bad Girls Club).

The Red Team makes it except for Jay who can’t climb the last obstacle. I guess Ghost Climber was busy doing other ghosty things like haunting Angelina Jolie’s shower. Or maybe he’s having ghost sex with Marilyn Monroe’s ghost. The point is there are a lot of ghosty things to do that are more interesting than helping Jay the Gay climb a mini cargo net. Exit Ghost Climber, the last and best chance this season ever had.

Blue Team is next and it’s pretty much the same result. Everyone makes it except Kevin. Tanisha starts bawling. Crazy bawling. In the tradition of ‘random Celebrity Fit Club moments that don’t lead anywhere’ we cut to the results. Blue Team wins for the first time. This time, team members are not allowed to vote for themselves during the dead weight vote. Instead, they each vote for a team member so that everyone has one vote. The dead weight vote had a couple of good moments during the Dustin Diamond years, but it’s really dumb and they need a new fake mechanic to generate drama. Harvey chooses Jay because Ghost Climber didn’t help him up the mini cargo net. His reward is transporting “punching bag things” to the PT field. When he gets back to the barracks, the gang throws him a surprise birthday party. Tanisha wants to give Jay a lap dance. Bobby stares into the camera. “I don’t know. You figure it out,” he says. Tanisha twirls around the stripper pole and falls down. Thank god that’s over.

Reveille.

At PT, it’s Jenny Percel, a mixed martial artist and black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Sebastian digs Shaolin Kung Fu when he’s not busy applying eyeliner. He tries to show Jenny a take down, but she submits him instead. I honestly think Jenny could do some damage to Harvey.

After PT, Jay confronts Nicole about drinking…um, while he holds a cigarette in his hand. Normally, the show’s editors would cut to a close up of that for a quick laugh, but they don’t. I think they’ve given up on this season already. They peaked with Ghost Climber? That’s it? That’s all we get? Nicole, meanwhile, will have none of Jays back-sass. “Nobody has the right to tell anybody anything,” she says, breaking her own rule. Stop, Nicole. It’s thinking like that that gave us sensitive bloggers and my personal fave, “you don’t know me!” (which is often emphasized with multiple exclamation points, a head waggle and optional finger pointing). Jay calls Nicole “a wet sloppy mess” to her face. I lean forward on my couch. “Oh ho!” I say to the couch. “We are about to surpass the Ghost Climber moment!” Nicole’s riposte? “I’m having another wine cooler,” she says channeling her inner 13-year-old. Translation: Jay hit a sore spot. If he had pressed her here, he could’ve pushed her into a full blown eating disorder.

Harvey pulls out Bobby for some one-on-one time. He brings him to a rock-climbing wall to help him through his fear of heights. Surprisingly, Bobby makes it to the top.

Day 15.

Oh, sorry, I got my Celebrity Rehab notes mixed in here.

Kevin Federline: K-Fat

Altered Beast from Sega Genesis. Wee li'l head. Why couldn't they afford the pixels to make a normal sized head?

Weigh-ins.

Weigh-ins used to be the big confrontational apex of the show. This season, it’s dullsville.

Shar. 140 lbs. -3 lbs.

Tanisha. 236 lbs. +0 lbs. Dr. Ian: “You are almost half fat.” He loves that line and so do I. The panel offers Tanisha outside help during the week. (You see, Celebrity Fit Club is just the weekend. They don’t stay there. During the week they go back to their normal lives to exercise and diet on their own.)

Kevin. 222 lbs. -4 lbs. Says he can finally see below his belly button (I apologize for the photo at right. Come to think of it, Kevin should apologize for the photo at right.) I was thinking about Kevin the other day, man. His head…is so small compared to his body. He’s like the dudes in Altered Beast.

Jay. 244 lbs. -7 lbs.

Nicole. 126 lbs. -1 lbs. She only worked out once this week. Says she was busy “on set.” I assume ‘on set’ is referring to the upcoming TV movie Turbulent Skies with Casper Van Dien which I will be watching never. She says she didn’t eat, and right on cue Dr. Ian Warner Wolfs a little “let’s go to the video tape” segue. It seems the Fit Clubbers were given video cameras to document their progress during the week (in addition to the journal, ham radio and smoke signals these lab rats use to chronicle their life on the E-list). Nicole’s got a huge plate of…well, what looks like all the worst items off the Taco Bell menu plus a glass of wine. “Every time I see you, you’ve got a glass of wine,” snorts Dr. Ian.

Kaycee. 190 lbs. -3 lbs.

Sebastian. 217 lbs. -2 lbs. He’d weigh less if he removed the eyeliner. He brags he didn’t drink “3 whole days in a row.” These celebrities and their accomplishments. I bought my own coffee this morning! Oooooh!

Bobby. 197 lbs. -1 lbs. “I’m speechless,” he says. That’s two failed weigh-ins in a row. Despite that, Harvey gives him a coin from the Marine Corps due to his overcoming his fears of dogs and heights. What do Marine coins buy exactly? Unnecessary tattoos?

That’s the episode. This season is wearing pretty thin for me. I had half a mind to write “blah” as my entire recap for this episode. I’m this close to switching over to Sheer Genius and giving that a shot. That’s how desperate I am.

To the next episode or back to the season guide.