Celebrity Fit Club 7, ep. 2

This episode starts like every other one: with one British Weights and Measurements Association-certified metric ton of previews.

Bus.

Tanisha Thomas thinks everyone looks better. She still looks horrendous to me, like she ate the Pillsbury Dough Boy and his immediate family and everyone in Pillsbury Village.

They pull up to a beach and Tanisha freaks out. It is unclear whether she is worried more about her weave or the fact that she can’t swim. One of those things could kill her, yet she is very on the fence about which is pushing her panic button.

The two teams have to dig out a raft, row to a pier, rescue a dummy while being pummeled by some random camo-faced dude on the pier (‘pummeled’ only has one ‘l’? let’s make a note of that), row back and then drag the raft and dummy along the beach while Harvey Walden IV fires a water cannon at them. Top that, American Gladiators.

Sebastian Bach has a groin pull and Shar Jackson’s back still hurts so it’s a 3-on-3 affair today.

The Red Team is Jay McCarroll (Project Runway), Bobby Brown (Whitney Houston’s crack buddy), Nicole Eggert (Baywatch) and Shar Jackson (Moesha).

The Blue Team is Kaycee Stroh (High School Musical), Sebastian Bach (Skid Row), Kevin Federline (Britney Spears’ ex) and Tanisha Thomas (Bad Girls Club).

Blue Team is first and does pretty well. While Harvey blasts them with water, Kevin’s pants fall down. The Red Team watches to see how they can improve on what the Blue Team does. Nobody mentions tying one’s pants tighter, so Bobby’s pants fall down during their run. Man. I am not interested in seeing anyone’s ass on this show. Red Team wins by a few seconds, and Tanisha is dead weight for the Blues.

Life coach.

Rhonda Britten, unqualified advice giver, has the group sit around a fire. She had them all bring something from their past that they want to get rid of. Brainstorming break: what do you think they’ll bring? Go ahead. Jot some ideas down. I’ll wait. I’ll hum the theme to The Greatest American Hero. Hm hm hmmmm. Forget it, I hate that song. Okay, whatcha got? Did you say ‘pants’? Did anyone think one of the gang was going to bring drugs? I was hoping. I really was.

Kevin brings size 40 pants. He tosses them in the center of the group where they turn into a size 40 fire. Jay says that Kevin Federline in the media is so different from Kevin Federline in real life. “He’s really depressed.” Depressed…about…swimming in alimony and never needing to work another day in his life? These celebrities and their “troubles.”

Nicole holds up a tabloid photo of her in a bathing suit. It is not flattering. Into the fire it goes.

Bobby Brown also has pants. “Bobby’s pants looked like you could snort them,” says Sebastian Bach. Sebastian Bach should write recaps for this site. Bobby mentions he’s been sober for three years and–Oh, sweet Jesus, don’t put that on the fire! The cast keels over dead from dioxin fumes.

Tanisha holds a chain. This is the chain she was wearing when she caught her friend with her fiance. She tosses it in the fire. Um. That’s not gonna burn. She runs off screaming like a crazy person. Don’t…don’t get upset, Tanisha. It’s metal and metal doesn’t burn in campfires. When she comes back to the group, she apologizes. Rhonda interrupts, “Don’t ever apologize for screaming because that is real emotion.” So is murder. Rhonda is three nits short of a wit.

Jay has a gigantic scarf. He discusses his issues about being gay and having a father who didn’t understand. Note to Deb who asked if the dad got down to his ideal weight after parts were amputated for diabetes: I’m guessing he got fatter. At some point he was just four stumps, a head and a belly. The net fat from his cookie binges would eventually overtake the loss of his limbs

Kaycee burns her pants.

Sebastian burns his pants.

If you said ‘pants’ earlier, you did really well in this brainstorming exercise. Congratulations, you win nothing.

Shar holds up a waist cincher. She feels like her “whole life got snatched away.” I don’t recall seeing her in any of the Invasion of the Body Snatchers movies. I suggest she cast herself in a little movie called Take Some Responsibility for Your Actions. The sequel will be Stop Reading the Tabloids if They Bother You So Much, Dumbass.

Reveille.

It’s revilie, and, instead of a horn, our Fit Clubbers are awakened by a…a gong? Is this show intentionally absurd?

Today is samurai training, which consists of the gang whacking away at dummies with stick swords. You can hear the sound of thousands of Japanese bloggers typing, “Which American crapfest did most to embarrass the Samurai? That Tom Cruise movie or Celebrity Fit Club 7?”

At the barracks, Bobby and Nicole pour a beer. So much for that three years of sobriety Bobby mentioned earlier (he had two beers last week as well, so I don’t know where this three years comes from; neither does Sebastian who really, really, really should do recaps for this site). Bobby pours several more. And a glass of…vodka. Not a shot. A glass.

Weigh-ins.

Jay. 251 lbs., lost 7 lbs. Each person gets a journal to write down what they’re doing during the week. (VH1’s got Old Man Syndrome, because I think they call them ‘blogs’ theses days.) I wish they would show us these journals, but they don’t. Later, Rhonda says something about all these diets (and possibly journals) being online at VH1 so we can follow along, but that’s a load of bull. I’ve been to their hideous site, and it ain’t there.

Tanisha. 236 lbs., lost 4 lbs. Didn’t reach her goal of 5 lbs. Oh man, anyone who’s watched these reality diet shows knows the first week is the easiest because it’s mostly about ridding the body of fake water weight and Dorito crumbs hidden under fat folds. Dude. Start cleaning out more of your fat folds.

Kaycee. 193 lbs., lost 3 lbs. Didn’t reach her goal of 4 lbs.

Kevin. 226 lbs., lost 6 lbs. Still looks like a pregnant man.

Sebastian. 219 lbs., lost 4 lbs. Dr. Ian Smith: “Your diet was awful. You drank a bottle of wine a day.”

Nicole. 127 lbs., lost 3 lbs. Dr. Ian says she is, “not eating enough.” She’s eating about a meal and a half a day. “If you’re depriving yourself of these essential food components,” responds Ian, “sooner or later you’re gonna break down.” Now, look, I understand Dr. Ian is hawking his diet books on this show, but one of the–okay, the only redeeming feature of this show is that Ian talks about a healthy body mass index and how the Hollywood ideal of underweight women is just as unhealthy as being overweight.

Shar. 143 lbs., lost 3 lbs. More talk about the ‘Federline situation.’ Rhonda tip-toes around it, but Dr. Ian cuts to the chase: “Do you want to get back together?” “No, I’m good,” says Shar. See? Dr. Ian can do both jobs.

Bobby. 198 lbs., lost 1 lbs. Did not meet his goal of 3 lbs. Also did not do the journal. “I had two beers.” Dr. Ian laughs and his blindingly white smile reflects a focused beam of light into space hitting a telecommunications satellite and plummeting it into the Pacific. “You really probably had four or five beers,” he tells Bobby, except Ian doesn’t look at Bobby when he talks to him. He looks at everyone behind Bobby. It’s very dismissive, and I’m not sure if it was a bizarre byproduct of the production shooting or a tactic to elicit more of a response from Bobby. Bobby also mentions he drank tonight and confesses to the glass of vodka like it was grape juice. “My limits are ridiculous as far as alcohol is concerned. I can drink.” Out of everyone, Bobby is the most likely to fail this season.

Two episodes in, there’s not a lot to hang your hat on. Jay and Sebastian are kinda funny. Tanisha is a walking stereotype and not as funny as the producers think she is (she gets the most airtime out of anybody). Kaycee and Nicole are invisible. Kevin is keeping his head down while Shar fires her drama bullets. Bobby has a lot of potential being the show drunk. But there’s not much of a ‘show favorite’ nor is there an enemy to butt heads with Harvey. Previews have Nicole drinking more, but I doubt we’ll get a full season out of that. If they edited the fat (not a pun) out of the weigh-in segments, this show could be a much cozier 30 minutes. They’re having trouble developing any interesting storylines so far, and it almost makes you pine for Dustin Diamond to return. Maybe they should bring him back to coach one team while Harvey coaches the other.

To the next episode or back to the season guide.