Celebrity Fit Club 7, ep. 1

Good lord, why am I watching this instead of finishing War on the Floor V? This is horrible, because how do I quit this midway? Harvey will kill me.

Season 7 already? “I’ve motivated 48 flabby celebs,” says Harvey Walden IV, the show’s drill instructor. At least 2 of those were Dustin Diamond. Come to think of it, there were multiple Willie Ames-es and Tina Yothers-es. But this season they’re pulling out all the stops, right? Nothing but A-listers. Or A-minus-listers. Is E a grade, ’cause check it out:

• Sebastian Bach, singer of Skid Row
• Kaycee Stroh, High School Musical actress and recipient of ‘fat girl parts’
• Bobby Brown, America’s second most favorite crackhead
• Nicole Eggert, Baywatch
• Jay McCarroll, winner of Project Runway, season 1
• Tanisha Thomas, self-described “breakout star of Bad Girls Club season 2” (if you have to name the season, then you are not a ‘breakout star’)
• Kevin Federline, aka K-Fed, aka K-Fat, dancer, saner half of BritFed.
• Shar Jackson, Niecy from Moesha, and former Federlinette. SharFed? Sharfed? God, I hate those combo names.

That’s your cast. Wow oh wow is that a Titanic of ‘who cares.’

They take a bus to the camp and introduce themselves to the camera. “I’m Kevin fatass Federline,” says K-Fed. “That’s Kevin Federline? I’m blind as bleep,” Tanesha exclaims. Yeah. It’s cable. It’s VH1. No one’s watching. Yet they bleep. Federline mentions he has four kids. Wow, four? Taylor Swift should have four kids so that Federline’s kids can become dancers for her kids and marry/divorce them for a truckload of alimony.

Shar, it seems, did not know Fed would be on the show. She puts on the, “I’m okay with this face,” but it’s not working. She’s not okay with this situation and is bitter, paranoid, bitter, obsessed and bitter that she is “known” for being Queen Alien to Federline’s facehugging spawn. Jay calls the SharFed (which I pronounce ‘sharffed’) combo on this show a “big pop culture boner.” Hyperbole, sir. Give me Brangelina, Jennifer Aniston and that puffy Vince Vaugn and now we got something. Gimme a Brady kid in there too.

And now the staff. Diet Dr. Ian Smith bleaches his teeth twice daily. Harvey Walden IV is a former U.S. Marine drill instructor. Life coach Rhona Britten has no credentials whatsoever. She’s new to this season, and if this ep is any indication, it will also be her last.

In the opening credits, we see Sebastian Bach playing air guitar. Get used to it. We’ll be seeing that a lot. I bite off a hunk of dry salami. I don’t know what it is about this show that makes me want to eat. Sorta like the way I like a beer or three watching Celebrity Rehab.

Harvey tells the gang to get off his bus. Tanisha interviews, “Harvey, this ain’t your damn bus. Did you pay for this bus?” Ugh. One of those. Harvey gets them lined up. “Over the next eight weeks I can be your best friend or your worst frickin nightmare.” Tanisha’s interviewed response? “I’m a bad girl. I’m a bad bitch. I just do what I want to do how I want to do it.” Harvey yells at her to spit out her gum. “I don’t need your attitude.” “I don’t need yours either,” she blasts back while folds of fat quiver on her frame. Ugh. One of those. That’s a lot of those in one body. One big fat blubbery body.

Harvey shouts that he is basing this season’s program on the training of the world’s fiercest warriors: marines, Navy SEALS, frickin Vikings and samurai. That’s cool. I can get my history content on VH1 now that the History Channel has completely gone down the tubes. Harvey gives his warrior cry and Jay notes, “He had fangs; they came out of his face.” He’s not wrong. Harvey is a scary dude.

Next, our E-listers change into their gear in the barracks. Jay, being Mr. Fashion, doesn’t like the camo. “I can’t accessorize camouflage pants.” Haha, it’s funny to me that fashion people think they have skills. Once dressed, the Fit Clubbers run from the mess hall to where Harvey is standing (maybe 100 feet away? it’s not far). This is enough to send Tanisha puking. And puking. And…oop, is there a little more? Yes there is.

Obstacle course.

The Red Team is Jay, Bobby, Nicole and Shar. The Blue Team is Sebastian, Kaycee, Kevin and Tanesha. They are competing for Fit Factor points, money, prizes, and, mostly, airtime. First up is Jay vs. K-Fed. Federline has a big ol’ gut, but Jay doesn’t look like he’s ever pushed an up. I’d bet on Kevin for this round. Jay gives us a lot of oohs and whoos as he shambles through the course. Jay is, as we like to say in polite company, a homosexual, and that knowledge would certainly help you, dear reader, if you are glossing over this without watching the show. Perfectly understandable. I’m not sure I want to watch this show. It kinda peaked with Brian Dunkleman and Dustin Diamond on season 6. But, like Celebrity Rehab, I still enjoy watching celebs being called out for their shit. Federline quits, by the way, while Jay climbs to the top of the tower at the end of the course. This is why I don’t gamble.

Nicole vs. Tanesha. Nicole is happy with her face, but it’s the rest of her that’s not cutting it. That’s a fair assessment. She says she loves working out. “Love it.” Not enough apparently. Still, she gets to the top of the tower faster than Jay. Sebastian and Bobby both quit and Sebastian pukes. Last is Shar vs. Kaycee. Shar is doing one of those…hell, I don’t know what it’s called. She’s hanging from this bicycle pedal thing, pedalling it with her arms, feet dangling…the hand bike? Is it called the hand bike? Anyway, she’s hand biking it over a pit then falls and does a serious back plant onto the ground. This sets me laughing for two whole minutes. Harvey calls medics over. Why doesn’t K-Fed run over to see if the mother of his child(ren?) is okay? Let’s find out. “I figured she’d be alright. I probably would’ve run over there if…” If you cared? “If I thought it was something serious.” Cooooooldblooded. Shar was touched that her teammates went over to check her out because it showed that “not everybody wants to hurt you.” Ouch. Issues.

Sebastian compliments Kaycee saying she “never stops.” Cut to Kaycee on the tower wincing, “I can’t!” and she gives up. That’s awesome editing.

Only Jay and Nicole made it to the top of the tower. Harvey praises Jay who explains that his sister’s boyfriend, Jerry, went missing on Mount McKinley and that inspired him. Also that Jerry the Mountainclimber helped him up the tower. Wow. Is heaven that boring? “Sweet, hot and cold running chicks, neverending banquets, glory of god and all that…and I’m bored. I’m flying down to haunt a reality show.”

Red Team wins. Nicole says her Red Team has more heart. The Blue Team has more liver or something. Harvey declares K-Fed to be dead weight and Kevin gets to dig holes to be filled with tree stumps. Don’t say fitness isn’t pointless.

Meanwhile, Bobby Brown puts together a KFC sampler deluxe for dinner. With beer. Right on cue, Dr. Ian Smith shows up. Tanisha wants her some o’ dat. With ketchup on a bun. Seriously, I wouldn’t put cannibalism past her if seasoned properly. Randomly, Bobby Brown says, “If I can get through drugs and alcohol…well, drugs, then I can make it through this.” Dr. Ian rips on him for the fried chicken dinner. “Why didn’t you choose the grilled chicken, Bobby?” “I ate that too.” Then Dr. Ian brings out a cake…are you following this show so far? A bus. Puking. Camo. Frickin Vikings. Obstacle course. Hand bicycle. Ghost climber. Tree stumps. Fried chicken. Cake. This is almost like that sitcom I was writing, and Frank was like “no, that’s too crazy.” Crazy is tame next to this show. So Ian brings out the cake and says that the obstacle course burned fewer calories than one piece of cake. Tanisha just wants the damn cake. Bad. This is the Tanisha Thomas Show. I’ve barely heard a peep out of Kaycee or Nicole. It’s all Tanisha, and the problem is she’s not entertaining. She’s just a mouth. Filled with cake.

Now the life coach waltzes in. Oh god. She takes them outside to meet Rick Allen, the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard, and his wife, Lauren Monroe. They lead the group in a drum circle to get in touch with what’s left of their dignity. Lame.

Reveille.

They’re late to revilie. Harvey screams. They go back and do it again. Off to PT (physical training). Oh man, I’m feeling the burn on this recap already. How many episodes is this crap? I used to like this show. What’s missing?

More life coaching is not missing. It’s here. Right in my face. Shar is in the patient’s seat. Except you can’t really call her a patient, right? Because a life coach is an uncredentialled, phony, bullshit position. Shar laugh/cries about the K-Fed relationship. Rhonda Lifecoach is one of these people: “Yep.” Vigorous nod. “Yep. Uh huh.” Savage nodding. “I understand.” Neck-snapping nodding. “Yes!” I venture to say she may have gotten her degree from McAwesome University.

Weigh-ins.

Bobby Brown is 5’11” 199 lbs. with 26% body fat. Does anyone think Bobby Brown’s main problem in life is his weight?

Kaycee is 5’3″ 196 lbs. 41% body fat. “Chubby,” she says. She was raised in an overweight family and they put pressure on her so she wouldn’t go through what they did growing up. This led to eating disorders, yes, but also to Harvey naming her Blue Team Captain, so it all balances out, right?

Nicole is 5’2″ 130 lbs. 27% body fat. She’s been 99 lbs. her whole life. Recently, she “laid on her ass for 9 to 11 months.” Months. Baywatch was berry, berry good to Nicole Eggert. Months. Dr. Ian says her BMI (body mass index) is normal, but Nicole wants to get down to 110 in 8 weeks.

Commercial. Bruce Willis teams up with Tracey Morgan in a cop buddy movie. I would rather let the two of them punch me in the face for two hours than sit through that.

Tanisha. Damn, now she’s gotta be the heaviest on the show, right? 5’5″ 240 lbs. 47% body fat. Dr. Ian: “You are almost half fat.” She’s like those people in WALL-E. Think about that. Half fat. I wish fat was exhibited in the body better. Like if it were all on the outside. Or if her left side were lean and her right side all fat. She would walk in circles because her left leg would be all power and her right leg would be pork gellatin. Harvey says her goal is to drop 35 lbs. and get down to 37% body fat in 8 weeks. That is not going to make a dent.

Jay is 6′ 258 lbs. 25% body fat. He’s the heaviest? He doesn’t look it. His homosexual fashion powers enable him to wear it well. Somehow. His dad was diagnosed with diabetes at age 35 (he’s turning 35 shortly). The dad lost limb after limb. Jay shrugs, “I’m genetically predisposed to be a fatass.” Dr. Ian says nuh uh. “There are very few people who are genetically predisposed to being overweight.” Jay goes on again about Jerry the Mountainclimber. Was this his sister’s boyfriend or his? (This extra Jerry stuff might have happened at the drum circle but I’ve deleted the ep, plus I don’t care.) I do hope Jerry remains a fixture on this show. Haunted Celebrity Fit Club is worth two extra ratings points than regular boring old Celebrity Fit Club. Harvey names Jay captain of the Red Team.

Sebastian Bach. 6’3″ 223 lbs. 28% body fat. He seems like a nice guy, but nothing interesting to say. Move along.

Shar. 5’4″ 146 lbs. 34% body fat. She’s been an actress since she was 3. “Not a pretend actress; I’ve been working.” Take that waiters and waitresses of the world. I hope lasagna is ‘accidentally’ spilled on her head the next time she goes out to eat. She laments that she’s a tabloid star. Haha, they show the back plant again. Walooomp. “I’ve kinda given up on people.” Issues. It’s not fitness that she needs. She’s eating to mask some serious mental things. Hell, maybe we’ll get to see her go completely nutso on tv.

Kevin. 6′ 232 lbs. 33% body fat. “I look like a pregnant man.” Yes he does. He wants to be more dependable. “Daddy says he’s going to show up this day and it winds up being a week later.” A week? That’s not dependability. That’s neglect.

Heeeeeeeeeey, something’s missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Oh, Ant is gone. It took me three hours to realize he was gone from the show. He never had much to contribute anyway. Overall, I’m not feeling enthused about the season. This ep had its moments: back plant, ghost climber, random cake scene, 47% body fat, replay of back plant. I dunno. It needs more ghost climber. There’s something in the haunted fit club angle.

To the next episode or back to the season guide.