American Idol Top 6: Results

Last night, Shania Twain stopped by to mentor the contestants to all-new heights of tedium. Tonight, she has good sense to stay away (unless I fast-forwarded through her). Instead, we’re treated to an hour-long commercial for country music. It’s enough to make a viewer miss the starving Africans and shack-dwelling families of “Idol Gives Back.” Country-fucking-music. Oy. This is American Idol. “Anyone who says money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop.”

33 million people voted last night, but the 50 or so directly involved in the production of this show can’t seem to make it remotely interesting. Think about that.

Group Sing? Fuck the group sing. Instead, there’s a performance by Rascal Flatts. Their label recently folded, and they’ve been moved to the Disney Music Group, so my personal fantasy of a Demi Lovato/Rascal Flatts duet is one step closer to reality. You know who’s also at the Disney label? Bucky Covington. I hope he’s doing well and that he still has all of his teeth.

Ford Ad Behind-the-Scenes. The Idols will play vampires in tonight’s “music video,” and this inside-peek shockingly reveals that they will play vampires in tonight’s “music video.” They’re going to wear fangs and contact lenses. Never mind how James Cameron got to make those blue aliens look real, these bitches are gonna bring it, old-school.

Ford Ad. The rumors are true. The Idols are indeed playing vampires. Big Mike drives through the woods. The Idolpires, with True Blood drop-down fangs, surround and enter his car. But Big Mike is delivering a garlic pizza and it scares them away. Comedy! I’m so glad I skipped watching Modern Family for this, because such hilarity can only be measured in the quantities at which I’ve pissed myself from laughter.

Propaganda Piece. The contestants play at doing voice-over work for the latest Shrek movie, then they go to a screening of said film, in 3D, and the whole affair makes suicide look quite delicious.

Results begin…

Seacrest forms three groups of two Idols apiece.

Group 1: Siobhan Magnus and Dweezil.

Group 2: Aaron Kelly and Crystal Bowersox.

Group 3: Big Mike and Casey James

Then he takes Siobhan out of Group 1 and inserts her into Group 3, which, it turns out, are our Bottom 3. Psych, Siobhan! The other dopes are safe.

Carrie Underwood (!) introduces a band called Sons of Silvia, the lead singer of which is cute in a froggy-looking way, but by the time he breaks out a fiddle, my shit is done.

More country music! I’m so excited! It’s Lady Antebellum. They look like a fat Shania Twain and a straight Lance Bass, but since I prefer my ladies in the form of Gaga, toodles, Antebellum!

Even! More! Country! Music! Now it’s Shakira and Rascal Flatts, assaulting us with some song about being a gypsy. It’s better than that “She Wolf” mess she was pushing awhile back, but…no. Pass.

Results!

Our Bottom 3 are Siobhan, Big Mike, and Casey. Big Mike, already eliminated once and rescued by the judges, is safe.

Casey is safe. Chante, he stays.

Siobhan is out. Sashay away.

But we’re down to 5 Idols, people. Life gets better all the time, eh?

-Frank