American Idol Top 6: Betwixt and BeTwain

We’re down to the final six, and in case there’s any confusion, Ryan breaks it down for us. “A paint salesman, a high school student, a glass-blower, a mother, a father, and a construction worker.” That’s what this show has come to: the people in your neighborhood. If Mr. Hooper were alive, maybe he’d mentor this crew. He couldn’t be any worse than Usher. “I don’t care whether your relationship with Dex is personal or professional. Dex is mine. In the boardroom — and in the bedroom.”

Our mentor for tonight is Shania Twain, who has won many Grammys for singing country music and who has schooled some bitches on this show in prior seasons. Her presence is especially helpful tonight, as the musical theme just happens to be “Songs by Shania Twain.” It’s wacky coincidences like this that prove the existence of a higher power.

Dweezil is singing “You’re Still the One,” which I’ve kind of heard, somewhere in the world. Maybe on this show, possibly. It sounds very rough around the edges. More than a little shouty. Dweezil might be straining. Also, he looks like a sidekick in any Tom Cruise movie shot between 1983 and 1989. The judges like it enough to make Dweezil smile without throwing up all over the stage.

Big Mike will perform “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing (Because My Body is Too Big for My Shirts).” Shania sounds funny for a country girl, until Wikipedia tells me she’s from Canada. Hmm…somebody around here ain’t keepin’ it real. Speaking of which, Big Mike gets all ballady in his ballad, singing from the Stairs of Genuine Caring. He sounds fine, if you dig light rehashes of Luthor Vandross sung by a shaved Sasquatch. Fine, yet terribly boring. Simon defines the performance as “wet,” which throws Randy into a tizzy. What is this word, “wet”? Why Simon talk gibberish, eh? Is maybe he from Canada, too?

Casey James will cover “Don’t.” And yes, please, exactly. But he goes right ahead and sings anyway, doing the David Cook Mumble, which didn’t impress me then and doesn’t thrill me now. Vocally…eh. What is up with this boy’s hair? Is he trying to look like Kim Basinger? The judges love the whole dealie. I think they’re secretly just as anxious for this season to end as the rest of us.

Seacrest interviews Crystal about being a fan of Shania Twain, and Crystal notes that Shania is supersweet. “And she has really white teeth.” This is what Ryan says, regarding Shania Twain’s perfect teeth — to Crystal. Interview: FAIL.

Crystal Bowersox is singing “No One Needs to Know,” which is her way of getting her boyfriend to propose to her or something. Is he the father of her baby? Because, dude, get your shit together. In the words of Miss Beyoncé, if you fucked it, and made a child with it, then you better put a ring on it. Crystal’s performance is a little too hippy-dippy for my tastes. I like my music not to smell like weed and armpits. Even the judges are like, “This week, dear? Not so much.”

Aaron Kelly will perform “You Got a Way” or maybe “You Got Away.” Could even be “You Gotta Weigh.” All things are possible in the world of country music. Aaron is sitting on a stool for this, so you know he means business. Actually, it’s better if he sits, as moving around will only screw up his voice. Never sing and walk at the same time if you can avoid it, unless you’re Britney Spears, who has the remarkable ability to dance while sounding exactly like her studio recordings. These Idols could take a page out of her book, I’ll tell you what. Aaron sounds wonderful — for Aaron. And since the judges have decided that he is a country singer (based on a lot of nothing), he gets a nice bit o’praise.

Siobhan Magnus is singing “Any Man of Mine” while continuing to look like a cannibalistic mental patient. She’s also singing it like she’s on Xanax. Can lethargy be considered a personality trait? If so, Siobhan’s personality is thriving. Things improve when the tempo picks up, although Siobhan never seems to be singing with full lungs; she’s always slightly out of breath and under the music — until the end when she screams like her uterus fell out. The judges…liked this? Yeah, they just wanna go home, dudes.

Tomorrow, Idol is no longer giving back, they’re just sending some sucker home. I think that sucker be Siobhan.

Bam!
-Frank