American Idol: Top 12 Results

The culling is well underway. Tonight, another dream is shattered as we go from 12 to 11 finalists. I’d be very comfortable dropping down to 5 or 6, but Fox, for some reason, feels differently. This is American Idol. The body count continues…

Via flashbacks, the show reminds us that these finalists got here by auditioning and stuff. They didn’t just show up on a bus from the Desperation Academy for Wayward Reality Stars. This shit took “work.” Last night, they sang songs from the catalog of the Rolling Stones and met with varying degrees of success — and most of those degrees were in the range of five-below blah.

The judges are here and I acknowledge their presence. Simon tells Ryan that he doesn’t like Ryan’s aggressive behavior in defense of the contestants. “I don’t like the eyeballing,” Simon says. Well, he doesn’t like the eye part. Then we’re told that the Judge’s Save is back in effect. If you’re a Big Brother viewer, that’s the Power of Veto. Survivor? It’s like an Immunity Idol. Rock of Love? It means you don’t get syphilis. Here, if you get voted off, the judges might overturn the vote and “save” you that week. They used it once before, on Matt Giraud, I think, and it did him a whole lot of good. Matt who? Exactly.

Group Sing. What?!? There’s no Group Sing this week. Are you kidding me? Then why the hell am I watching? Tonight, instead of glorious lip-syncing and cheesy choreography, we get Season 7 winner David Cook and his giant head singing “Jumping Jack Flash” and continuing to sound like a recording artist whose work I will never purchase.

Ford Ad. In which the Idols drive around, vandalizing each others’ Ford vehicles by throwing paint balls at them. Are we not role models, Idols? For shame. Then there’s more product placement which, since it doesn’t involve nudity, I am not recapping.

Getting down to the business of building our Bottom 3…

Paige Miles sang “Honey Tonk Women” and was boring, as always. Bottom 3 for Paige.

Dweezil sang “Beast of Burden” okay-ish and now looks bloated and groggy. He’s safe.

Siobhan Magnus sang “Paint It Black” and was pretty awesome with power-singing and screaming and drama. She’s safe.

Aaron Kelly sang “Angie,” looking lost without his Pikachu. If he survives, he might reach puberty by the season finale. He’s safe.

Andrew Garcia sang “Gimme Shelter” while slowing becoming possessed by the spirit of Danny Gokey, which isn’t at all annoying. He’s safe.

Tim Urban sang…he sang? I wasn’t paying attention. I was looking at his — huh? Oh, yeah, he sang a reggae version of “Under My Thumb.” Reggae is nobody’s friend. Bottom 3 for Tim.

Next, Orianthi performs. No, I have no idea, either. Is Orianthi a he, a she, or a they? Seacrest says it’s a she. Okay, that’s a start. “She’s really incredible,” Ryan says. “In the spirit of rock and roll, let’s welcome to the stage one of its newest pioneers.” That boy knows how to earn a paycheck, I’ll tell you that. Take, if you will, the lovely Miss Kelly Clarkson and add the wig of Hannah Montana. Then subtract the talent of the former while keeping the negligible skill of the latter. Mix in some leather pants. Bake till bronzed and vapid. That’s an Orianthi.

More results, with one more to complete our trinity…

Didi Benami sang “Play With Fire” as a cemetery standard. But she’s cool peeps. She’s safe.

Crystal Bowersox sang “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and are you kidding? She’s safe.

Katie Stevens’ “Wild Horses” unfortunately didn’t drag her way. For fuck’s sake, she’s safe.

Big Mike sang “Miss You” and wants us to know tonight that he’s “here for the people.” Stop working it, Man-Mountain. You’re becoming a menace. He’s safe.

Casey James sang “It’s All Over Now” and was good, but ordinary and forgettable. He’s safe.

Lacey sang…something or other. Ryan doesn’t even bother. She completes the Bottom 3.

We’ve got Paige. We’ve got Tim. We’ve got Lacey.

Tim is immediately sent to safety. America, my crotch thanks you.

Ke$ha stops by to perform her new single, “Blah Blah Blah.” Did you know she pronounces it “keh-sha” instead of “key-sha”? Did you know that she’s awful? I’d describe her desperate performance as a Lady Gaga drag show, but that would be redundant. This is really C-list, YouTube stuff. The song slightly riffs off the Veronicas’ “Popular” which is about the only good thing I can say about it. Ke$ha’s voice is painfully piercing and aggressively shrill, and by the time the 3OH!3 guys come out to perform their little rap, I’m well over it. There are backup dancers with giant televisions for heads. Kei$ha starts running around in an American Indian headdress for god-knows-what reason. Two, maybe three of my senses are being assaulted. Enough is too much.

Bottom 2…

Paige is safe. Lacey…not so much.

So, to save herself, she sings “The Story,” which I’m sure is not a Rolling Stones song, so I guess the Bottom 1’s can sing what they please this year. The judges huddle and pretend to give a fuck, as Lacey continues to make everything she performs sound like “Lovefool.”

Will the judges use the J-Save and rescue Lacey? Are you for real? Crystal Bowersox might need it in two months. Goodbye, Lacey — it was great not knowing ya!

That’s one down. Eleven to go…

-Frank

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