American Idol Top 11: Farty in the USA

Has there ever been a worse season of this show? Because this? This is like watching The Gong Show — except nobody gets gonged and the Unknown Comic doesn’t show up to tell poop jokes. We just have Ellen. Last week, the chick with the weird voice went home. Trixie something. I dunno. Now, 11 contestants are left standing. Can anything stop them? This is American Idol. “Make me a sergeant and charge the booze!”

Tonight’s theme is “Billboard’s #1 Hits.” It was supposed to be “Teen Idol” week, but I guess Scott Baio is busy writing the Joanie Loves Chachi reunion movie. Oh, like you wouldn’t watch if it was a real thing. Representing this major theme is a girl with her finger on the pulse of modern music; a cutting edge artist, often imitated but under-appreciated. Yes, it’s that living goddess of culture and style, Miss Miley Cyrus.

You may have seen Miley on that Disney show where she co-stars with a wig and a greasy old country singer. Or, if you’re above the age of 6, you might have seen her on this show, several Idol Gives Backs ago, when she visited some poor girl who lived in a shack and told the child, “I love my computer!” before leaving the kid with nothing more than a handshake and an 8 x 10 glossy. Miley, we’re told, has sold major numbers of records and shit, including a song called “Party in the USA” which she recorded after swallowing an Auto-Tune device. She’s mentoring our Idols tonight. This is what’s meant by the blind leading the blind. It’s also what’s meant when I say: Seriously?!

Dweezil is up first. He’ll be singing “The Letter” by the Box Tops. Miley’s tip to Dweezil is to improve his stage presence. Maybe he should wear the shortie-short cut-offs that Miley has seen fit to tutor him in. The performance is mediocre at best, mostly due to a horrible, herky-jerky arrangement. I guess it’s supposed to be jazzy, but Dweezil is lost amidst a five-man horn section and three back-up singers. There’s no rhythm or flow to this performance whatsoever. Fail. Kara has never heard him sound better, but I think she’s only saying that because he has a penis.

Paige Miles is over her laryngitis, just so you know. She’ll be singing “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. Miley’s advice is to not get pitchy, but thinks Paige will “do amazing.” Paige gets it half-right, as her performance is amazing-pitchy. It’s like she has all the notes of the song inside of her, but they’re all coming out at the wrong time. At moments, she sounds like she’s going to die. At others, she sounds like she’s already dead. You know how kids on the internet LikE To SpEL THinGz ThIs WAyZ? It’s like that, but with music. Epic, magical fail in 3D. The judges, as a unit, are like “You are a shameful wretch. Drink poison.”

Tim Urban couldn’t make it to my house this weekend. Just as well, I was busy. But maybe next Friday, Tim? Call me. Thanks. Tonight, he’s fixin’ on singing Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” Hey, I never said the boy was smart. Miley thinks Tim is great and just wants to give him a hug. Because YES! Why would you not do that thing? Or other things if only the damn cameras weren’t in the room? Tim hits the stage, looking like Jon Peter Lewis after a very successful makeover. He dances over here, touches the Moat Girls over there, literally slides across the stage, hither and yon. I think Tim is technically singing…but it’s more like spoken word. He looks like he’s going to fall asleep any second. Droopy McDroop. Is no good. The judges, in essence: “We put up with that crowd-touching, stage-sliding shit with Taylor Hicks. And that bitch couldn’t sing. Therefore, you can’t sing, either. The prosecution rests.”

Aaron Kelly has laryngitis, and I can assure you, he didn’t catch it from Paige. He also claims to have a crush on Miley Cyrus. I can assure you, he does not. He did sing a Miley song for his original audition, but that’s like a boy in the 90’s singing Britney. Follow me? Tonight Aaron will sing Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the asteroid movie. It starts off good, but then it gets a little wonky. Probably because he’s sick, but I don’t want to give anybody on this show the least bit of undeserved credit. Also: this is very boring. Kara likes his song choices, week to week. Simon thought it was brave to sing while suffering from consumption, calls him “a little tryer” and then calls him old-fashioned. Then Ryan is all supportive with the hugging and Aaron’s smile lights up the room, and it’s like watching Smurfs Meet the Care Bears. Diabetic comas spontaneously befall viewers across the nation. And awww…

Crystal Bowersox is singing Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee” and Miley tells her… Oh, come on. What the fuck is Miley Cyrus gonna say to Crystal Bowersox? Crystal, playing her guitar, rocks the shit out of this song because she is unarguably awesome and far better than this show. The judges love her because even they’re not stupid enough to criticize. And I still say she’s going home before Final Two.

Big Mike greets Miley by picking her up. He’s done that with Seacrest, too. Is that his thing? Because I’ll tell you what; anybody who tries to pick me up is gonna get a kick in the nards. I’m very happy with a simple “hello.” Mike is singing “When a Man Loves a Woman,” because every song he sings is about “a woman” or having babies or babies growing up to be “a woman.” I’m over him and his theme. Good voice. Gestures of sincerity. A performance that lasts three hours. The judges are surprisingly not falling over their lips to praise him. Kara calls it boring, lounge-y, and over-indulgent. Word to Kara.

Andrew Garcia. People, I’m not even ready to deal with this guy. Go back and read all my Danny Gokey entries for last year. That’ll give you the gist. “Heard It Through the Grapevine.” Singing like Eartha Kitt playing Catwoman. Like a pimple on one’s ass, painful and annoying. Yuck. The judges are, again, like, “We liked it when you sang ‘Straight Up’ that one time, six months ago.” So Andrew is like, “I love the audience!” Just to get votes by making them feel included. It’s a tactic that dates back to Guarini in Season One. Tacky. And with that, Andrew is dead to me.

Katie Stevens wants to know how Miley deals with “people who are negative.” I’m not sure Miley gives her a straight answer. Something about “making it her own.” I dunno. Katie sings Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” a song I love for some reason. Maybe because it’s both empowering and sad. Maybe because I’m a big homo. Hey, if anybody on this planet can convince me that Katie doesn’t sound like Kermit the Frog when she sings, I will give them five dollars. Because right now, it’s The Muppet Show up in here. The judges praise her because apparently there’s still some Kool-Aid left over from Jonestown.

Casey James — not Casey Jones, and I’ll remember that someday — sings the Back to the Future theme song by Huey Lewis and the News, sounding exactly like Huey Lewis and the News. Minus the News. Standing stock-still, playing his guitar. I think he’s adding verses. Was the song always this long? God, this season is murdering me. They should just do it as a podcast. Problem solved. Kara, almost literally, is like, “I want to fuck you right now on this stage in front of sweet America.” She’s kinda very gross when it comes to Casey — and this is me saying that. Me, who totally wants to fuck Tim Urban on that stage in front of sweet America. (Don’t be offended. It would be a May Sweeps to remember. I’m talking Emmy nominations.) Simon is like, “Kara, you ignorant slut!” Then he calls Casey a Huey Lewis impersonator. I ask you, is there any worse insult?

Didi Benami impresses Miley with the “vy-brato” in her voice. She knows all the technical terms fer muzak. On stage, Didi sings Linda Ronstandt’s “You’re No Good” as a sultry, mid-tempo…well, torch song isn’t quite right. But it’s certainly different. And you’d think Didi’s weird voice would fight the layer of sexiness she’s applying to the song, but for me, it works. It’s a performance, that’s for sure. She moves about the stage, flirts with a musician, and is generally lively. So of course, the judges are all, “Die in a fire!” I mean, this isn’t something I’d buy, but as compared to the rest of this bunch…compared to Paige, let’s say, or Tim. Come on. A little appreciation for her effort would be nice. But no. It’s “Didi, why did you come here and suck so?” Bummer.

Siobhan Magnus, who is turning more and more into an SCTV character as the weeks progress, will sing Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition.” Miley advises Siobhan to bring “the swag” to her voice.” She doesn’t, really. In fact, the performance is totally swag-less until the end, when Siobhan lets out one of her trademark screams. Last week, that was great. Wow. This week? We’ve seen it, honey. Simon even tells her, “Maybe scream at the beginning next week, instead of the end.” Or maybe don’t scream at all? Just a thought.

I’ll be screaming tomorrow, though, when this shit is back for results. Miley will be assaulting us with her “singing,” as will Joe Jonas, although that’s an assault I can deal with. And, joy of joys, somebody goes home. I think it’s Paige’s time. But I will accept Andrew Garcia’s departure with relish.

Pow!
-Frank

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