Anybody who has ever used Facebook is almost certain to be familiar with the status update application. For those of you who aren’t, I envy you. Basically the status update allows users to put a brief message next to their name to let their friends know what they are up to. When you write something on your status update it appears on your friend’s Facebook homepage. For example if I were to write on my status “is laughing at you not with you” it would appear on your homepage as “Brad Chesterton is laughing at you not with you.”
When the people who founded Facebook thought up the status idea I like to think that they envisioned it would be used for something useful such as letting people know you were out of the office, where you could be reached or when you would be back. Instead, as with most other applications devised for the internet, it has been twisted into a medium of communication which proves that man is neither good nor evil but just plain stupid.
My advice to you is if you must use Facebook you should avoid using the status update application altogether. By leaving it blank you are telling the world, “I have much better things to do in life than sit around saying how boring, stupid, retarded or unoriginal I am.” (Sure, chances are just by being on Facebook you fall into one or all of the above but no need to advertise it!). Since I am sure that most of you are under the erroneous impression that your friends actually give a shit about what trivial activity you are participating in or what inconsequential thought happens to be passing through your head I would like to provide you with a guide of what you should not put in your status update.
- Anything about the weather. Examples: “it’s snowing!” “it’s raining in Podunkville today” “brrrrrr it’s cold” “is worried about the cold front coming in”. When people begin discussing the weather it usually means that they have reached a point in the conversation where they have nothing more interesting to say and so to avoid an embarrassing silence decides the best course of action is to discuss a topic everyone is familiar with: the weather. When you write about the weather in your status update you are telling all of your friends that you have nothing interesting to say about yourself, that you are unable to engage in intelligent discourse and that you have nothing in common with them. I can guarantee that if I live in the same city as you I am well aware of what the weather is like. If I don’t live where you do I could care less because there is very little chance I am travelling to your shitty city and if I were I already checked weather.com. Thanks asshole for providing no value added info for me and giving me a good reason to axe you from my friends list.
- How happy you are the weekend is coming. Examples: “TGIF!!!!” “it’s Friday!” “can’t wait for the weekend” “is glad this week is over, yesssss.” As regular as clockwork every Friday 70-80% of the numb nuts on Facebook start writing the same old bullshit about how great it is the weekend is here. Guess what you are telling your friends? That getting paid to spend half your time in the office fucking around on social networks is tiring and that you are really looking forward to getting two days off to rest up after such a gruelling week. Look, if your job was satisfying, or paid well, or was minimally interesting you’d be thanking God it was Monday, not Friday! Face it, you suck, but at least stop telling the world you’re a lazy piece of shit with a crappy job. Don’t be surprised if one day you don’t see the following status update: “Brad Chesterton is happy the weekend is over so all you losers can suffer another 5 days of hell on earth!”
- Your travel plans. Examples: “is off to the Bahamas!!” “just spent four hours planning spring break” “is getting ready for the big trip”. There is only one reason why people put this kind of status update up: to elicit envy amongst their friends. Chance are good that this type of person has nothing in their life that you would ever desire so the only way they can feel better is by saying “hey, I am going on vacation and your stuck at home, please feel free to make comments like “lucky you” and “need someone to carry your suitcases?” I swear the next time is see “Nicole is packing her bags for Mexico” I will leave a comment for her like “I just read an article that Mexico has made big investments to upgrade their water utilities. It says they now have some of the best tasting and most pure tap water in the world let me know how it is!!” I will then proceed to pray to Montezuma himself that she spends her entire vacation on the toilet with an explosive case of diarrhea cursing me, Brad, for leaving her that comment.
There are many other types you should avoid as well, ambiguous statements like “is thinking” or “is perplexed” (yeah we get it, you’re an attention seeking whore who wants people to comment on their Facebook page) or proud parents statements like “is so proud little Johnny is using the toilet by himself now” and “Jenny just finished fourth runner up in spelling bee” (you’re proud, we could care less). Actually I could go on forever, so remember, use common sense, when you feel the urge to update your status ask your self this “does my wife’s second cousin really care that I am overjoyed that the Steelers won?” Didn’t think so, now go get a life.
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“Bill is laughing with you not at you.”
Great post. And PLEASE, do go on.
Like, there’s the “baiters”, whose status begs a question. Like, Andrea is so excited about her audition. Which is the attention-whoring say to bait the inevitable “what audition?”
And how about the completely uninspired “I got nuthin’s..?” Like, Bob is sleeping. Or Merideth is working. Yeah, and Bill is breathing. Whatelseyagot?
And then there is the “up-to-the-minuters,” whose status is updated several times a day with information not even their mothers would care to hear. Julie woke up to snow! Julie is enjoying a long coffee. Julie thinks progress is good. Julie can’t wait for Lost tonight. Julie is making mac n cheese tonight. Yum! And it goes on like this.
I say, Julie needs a creative writing class.
Thanks Bill, I could have gone on but it would have ended up being a 10,000 word post. There seems to be no end to the stupidity on Facebook. I am convinced that the world of internet can be summed up with the a simple assumption: the dumber the application the broader the appeal.
I hate to be a contrarian, but I’d rather skip past ten pages of “The weather is cold” and “My kid did something that proves his IQ is at least 67” updates than pick up the phone and hear them tell me the same thing.
I’m with mango. You know what’s worse than Facebook? The eff-ing phone! With Facebook, I CHOOSE when I want to read what everyone is up to. I’m not a slave to a damn ring. I have caller ID for the same reason. Facebook is a convenient way to “touch base” in a matter of mere moments and be on your way. Leave one sentence to your friend, and no guilt for not calling in months. Hell if that’s not worth it!!
Applications?
Sometimes I want to empty my brain of all the boring-ass-shit that makes up my world. Nothing beats a mind-numbing application playing with fish or plants. They don’t expect shit out of me, and I LIKE that!
About Fridays?
I work a split-shift on Friday. That means that there is nothing about Friday that screams “me-time.” They do however mean I’ll drop into bed dead tired and irritable from running kids to and from school, to THEIR activities, and then the rest of Friday is spent kissing ass on customers who eat our delicious tacos. Woohoo. So if I try to be a little positive Friday morning at f*cking 6:00 AM before starting the same LONG routine, good on ME.
What you ARE right about is the vacation thing! Damn straight! Envy me, bitches! I’ve worked hard for those few precious weeks a year, and I’d scream it from the rooftop if I felt like it. BTW, I’m taking a Cruise in March to the MEXICAN RIVIERA. And it will be a cold day in Hell before I would trust a damn thing they serve over there, let alone their water filled with bacteria and fungus. That’s WHY I’m taking a Cruise. 🙂
But overall, loved the article Brad. 🙂
3T
Great post Brad. I wrote a similar one on my blog. It is a small world, but the amount of people hating the stupidity of facebook status updates is smaller.
Most unfortunately fall into the other category.
Keep up the good writing.
What a bunch of self important plebs! I’d wager that there’s not a single one of you gutless wonders who have a) actually talked to a woman or b) left your parents basement within the last 24hrs. How clever you all are, i expect you’re incredibly proud eh?
So very true! Very well written, facebook is so boring with everyones pointless updates, I admit, I am guilty of doing this too, but geez someone is always bragging or talking about something completely boring. Rarely do I see a post or status that is interesting. I hate that I have my aunt and uncle or my parents friends on there or I would probably be a lot meaner!
Hi Brad,
Loved your article. It sums up everything I get angry about when I go on Facebook. I would say I’m a medium facebook user. I tend to post links to music I like that I want to share, and links to articles etc rather than statusses (status’?!) The children thing is so true, many of my friends have children and tend to post many statusses a day letting everyone know exactly what’s going on! This goes for when people are ill as well, they’re bored so they post a status every half an hour about how very ill they are with their common cold and how they’re dying and can’t possibly go on… (well do it quietly!)
Thanks for voicing this!
i think a lot of us are annoyed with our own lack of discipline and project hostility toward anyone but ourselves. the only thing worse than the black hole of social networking is the gravitational pull of blogs “about” social networking. yikes! let’s all run outside and see if it’s still there!!!
if you have to leave your status update blank so it will “look” like you aren’t on FB -while you’re actually reading updates with a head shake and a tsk, tsk for hours- now THAT says a lot about you and none of it is good…
Author is a miserable piece of shit. That is all.
MS, I think the hostility you are sensing towards the “black hole” of social networking is really just hostility towards the black hole that is so obviously missing from Brad’s heart & soul … nothing more, nothing less.