Apple Jacks: The no nonsense cereal that makes no sense

Neither apple, nor jack.

Apple Jacks. They’re not apple. They’re not even jacked (distilled) apples. Applejack is a hard cider. I have no idea how the association with kids cereal was made. I mean, what if Frosted Flakes were instead named Frosted Lager. Or if Cheerios were Whiskey-Os. It. Makes. No. Sense.

In keeping with a lack of common sense, Kellogg’s has, of late, been promoting Apple Jacks with an 80s-era Jamaican stereotype called CinnaMon. As in, “hey mon, it’s CinnaMon,” this clumsy John-Candy-movie reject narrowly beat out Chief Redapple and Rabbi Cheapowitz in marketing meetings. Hell, I heard hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold was an early favorite. Jesus, it even says, “Break for congas,” on the back of the box. CinnaMon, you have no shame.

What does CinnaMon or cinnamon have to do with apples? Why, it’s the thing you most associate with apples! Except for caramel. Teachers. Pie. Dentists. Cobbler. Turnovers. Sugar. In fact, other than sugar, none of these things participate in the taste palette of this cereal. Unlike apples, which retain a distinct apple flavor when placed on the tongue, Apple Jacks tastes like stale, glazed donuts. But with more sugar.

CinnaMon got his first acting role as an extra in Cool Runnings.

Here’s the answer to a recent puzzle on the back. You have to match the letter and the icon in the word box below and….you know what? If you need a full walkthrough on this, you’re an idiot. The answer is, “CinnaMon is the winna mon.” And there’s a ‘ya mon!’ written next to it. In real English, it says, “Our friend here, who for some reason is named after a spice, is the winner of the race. Man. Yes, man! In fact, since his competition is throwing obstacles on the track, he (or they) would probably be arrested for aggravated assault (or at least disqualified). Man. Yes, man.”

So let’s recap the Apple Jacks universe as depicted on this cereal box vignette. CinnaMon is a quasi-literate conga player who runs for his life from spiteful little apples trying to murder him. During these daily chases, CinnaMon often encounters gigantic slides, cereal spoons and some sort of sledding device affixed to very, very short railroad tracks (bottom middle). I don’t pretend to understand your world, CinnaMon, but I will take this opportunity to say that Bob Marley sucks.

Back to the 2009 Cereal Awareness Month celebration.