American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: Results!

The potential Idols are lined up on stage, firing squad style. Lil’s face reveals nothing. The ABBA girl is in la-la land. Taylor whats-her-face is mentally rehearsing: “Do you want fries with that?” Alex the Wiseass Nerd is queasy. That blonde country girl totally thinks she’s making it. Blind Scott is like, “Oh, yeah, baby…” Gay Nate is about three seconds from projectile vomiting on the wee head of Mr. Seacrest. The others are like, whatever. Who is that girl there? Von Smith looks delicious. This is American Idol. Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce.

Tonight, three more people will make it into the Top 12, joining the likes of Danny “Dead Wife” Gokey, Hot Kris, that girl who keeps her kid in the attic, and that Adam Lambert chick. The leftover nine won’t necessarily go home, but more on Wild Card round when we get there, okay? Don’t rush me.

Group Sing. Katy Perry’s “Hot ‘n’ Cold.” Seacrest rhetorically asks about the gang’s choreography. It’s like this: The boys are all seated so that Blind Scott doesn’t fall and crack his head open. The girls walk around . The boys shift over a little. The girls continue to walk around. Lots of shoulder-shimmies. Some leg-crossing. That’s the “choreography.” The singing? Lil Rounds totally dominates her mini-group. ABBA Girl has not a thought in her head. I do believe that Country Blonde might, in fact, Single White Female Carrie Underwood. The guys, as a whole, sound very good. What the hell is up with that? And did I mention that Von Smith looks delicious? Even with his Tin Tin hair. He and Gay Nate look most comfortable on the stage. Blind Scott keeps making weird, awkward gestures. Is it the blindness or is he suffering from White-Boys-Can’t-Dance (While Sitting) Syndrome? The jury is out. Alex is out of his element, semi-spastic, and adorable. Wow, when all 12 sing at once, it’s really good. Cohesive. Almost harmonic. Don’t shock me, Idol, I’m not in the mood. Some of the boys (not Scott) get up and go over there. Some of the girls sit down over here. Is this a track? Because I’ve never heard an Idol group sound this professional. Bing-bang, it’s over.

Q&A Time. Was Gay Nate offended because he was openly mocked in front of a nation? Bitch, please. How does Jorge Nuñez feel about the California weather? El es muy frio. What the fuck is wrong with Ju’Not? He had an asthma attack during rehearsals. Sorry, bro, but we’ve got a blind guy sitting here. Nobody is worried about your lame asthma.

Lil Rounds is up first. They should have just crowned her last night. Newsflash: she is through to the Top 12.

ABBA Girl, Taylor whats-her-face, Alex the Wiseass Nerd, Country Blonde, and Blind Scott are made to stand up. “One of you is in the Top 12,” says Seacrest. I wonder who that could be?

ABBA Girl committed an act of violence against the people of Sweden. That song will never recover. She’s out.

Taylor whats-her-face was boring and forgettable, which is fine because she’s leaving.

Alex the Wiseass Nerd was geeky and I loved him. But seriously, there’s no way. He’s out.

Country Blonde and Blind Scott stand together. She was good, but annoying. He was good, and has been pimped by this show for months. Plus, he has An Affliction. America likes afflictions. Country Blonde is going home. Blind Scott is in the Top 12.

Gay Nate and Kristen McNamara stand up. He was an assault on the senses as he sang Meat Loaf while channeling the spirit of the Artist Formerly Known as Boy George. Last night, ten thousand gay men stepped out of the closest, took a look at Nate’s performance and said, “Nah, I can wait,” and went back in. Still, it was a work of art. Kristen had the audacity not to wear the right dress, the dumb cow. And her hair wasn’t right. And why didn’t she sing Kelly Clarkson?!? Stupid asshole. Kara throws tampons at her as Simon crawls up in the rafters, setting up a bucket of pig’s blood. Nate and Kristen are gone forever.

Von Smith and the girl who replaced Joanna Pacitti stand up. Von sang Marvin Gaye and damn near exploded from trying to restrain himself. The girl who replaced Joanna Pacitti came out and sang well, but America was like, “Who?” Both are eliminated. Von, if you’re reading this, call me.

That leaves Ju’Not Joyner and Jorge Nuñez.

Ju’Not sang that ubiquitous “Hey There Delilah” song, and turned it into a sad little ballad. Jorge sang “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me,” and he had an accent and he cried a little and he babbled in Spanish. All of these things made him a person, got him the votes, and put him in the Top 12. Ju’Not is ju’gone.

But wait! There’s more!

A bunch of ex-Semi-Finalists have been called back. And they, combined with the nine ousted kids from tonight, form the pool from which the judges will pick the eight Wild Card singers.

Wanna know who’s called back? Really? You’re gonna make me do this? I thought we were friends. Okay: Jackie Tohn. The Spencer Pratt guy. Jessie with the Lauren Ambrose-vampire face. Matt “dualing pianist” Giraud. Quirky Megan Corkrey. That old, bald sweaty guy. Jasmine Murray. Nick-fucking-Mitchell. Anoop!!! Ricky Braddy, who used to be attractive. And monkeyshit crazy Tatiana.

Again, the judges will pick eight people. Although each judge takes a turn calling them down from the Red Room, they say the decision was made by committee. Good enough for me.

Here are the eight Wild Carders:

1. Von Smith. He looks shocked and nervous. Simon wants him to wear a hat. I want that hat to be me.

2. Jasmine Murray. She got a lot of play throughout the season, but her Semi-Finals performance crashed and burned. Kara wants her to sing stuff like Rihanna. Even if Jasmine obeys, she’ll probably still do the Kermit voice.

3. Ricky Braddy. Huh? Why? And what’s happened to him? What demonic force is eating his eyebrows? Why is he wearing Fonzie’s jacket over an argyle sweater?

4. Megan Corkrey. She’s a little bit wow. This year’s Brooke White. Good for her.

5. Tatiana del Toro. I am not even joking you. She weeps and babbles and almost swoons and why, God, are you punishing me?

6. Matt Giraud. Okay. I mean, sure. Fine. Whatever.

7. Jesse Langseth. They say she’s blues-y. I say, “Pass!”

8. Anoop Desai. Because he is fucking awesome.

Tomorrow night, in a whirlwind of activity, all eight will perform in an hour, and, in that same hour, the judges will hand-pick the last three Top 12-ers. No voting, which might be good, on account of America being Idol-dumb.

I have no idea how this will play out. It all comes down to performances, personalities, and politics. But my hope is that Anoop, Von Smith, and Megan Corkrey make it into the Top 12.

I’m prepared to be disappointed.

Pop!
-F.

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