American Idol Results: 9 Become 8

Last night, the Idols got their iTunes on. There were bad song choices, bad performances, and most horrible of all, bad hair. Tonight, another soul gets booted with nothing to show for it but some snarky blog commentary from people like me, and the vague possibility of appearing on a future season of Celebrity Rehab. But that will be then. This will be now. And this is American Idol. I seen Beyoncé at Burger King, and she was eatin’. (She was what?) She was eatin’. (Oh.)

The judges are present. Randy is useful for once, as the bulk of his body blocks the sight of ex-Idolers Jason Castro and Alexis Grace. Yeah, Alexis rushed right home to her kid, didn’t she? Judge Kara needs to be a bit more thorough in shaving her armpits. Or not raise her arms. One or the other. Paula throws some devil horns and Simon plays with his lips because he’s like “Whatever, just pay me.” Tonight’s judge topics include song choice (as in “make the right”), passionate fans, and the Idols having a platform every week. That’s a fine way to talk about Lil’s ass.

Ford Ad. To the tune of “Mixed Up” by Corbin Bleu. (Just when you think there are no lower depths.) The screen is split into three tiers: usually top, middle, bottom. Then the Idols heads and bodies–and sometimes pieces of Ford vehicles–are scrambled back and forth. Imagine, if you will, a creature with the forehead of Megan Joy, the eyes and nose of Adam Lambert, and the chin and neck of Matt Giraud. That might settle the abortion issue, right there. Anyway, if you’ve seen the opening credits of Ugly Betty, you’ve seen this.

Group-Sync. “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. Scott plays the keyboards, Laurie Partridge-style. The other Idols are spread across the stage, over-emoting because when you’re lip-syncing instead of singing, you’ve got time to work your face. Scott, unaware of where his microphone is located, is “singing” into open space. We must drink the Kool-Aid, however. This is real, people. Real. Idols turn to the left. Idols turn to the right. Pointing this way and that. Gokey, irritating the balls off me just by being present. Lambert, front and center and howling. Maybe what didn’t happen on The Sopranos will happen here and this crew will get rubbed out in a dramatic hit orchestrated by Maroulis Family.

Idol Life. They go to photo shoots and red carpets and stuff. It’s hard. A real challenge. But cool, because, like, they’re almost rock stars, except for the part where they are so totally not. Kris Allen is told to have a sexy face. Learn from Tyra, Kris. Just smile with your eyes. It looks like they have a million photo shoots. Where do these photos appear? Everything on the official site is taken from the performance and results shows. Is there an underground Idol photo-swapping cabal of which I’m unaware? Like Fight Club, but lame? Matt “impersonates” Gokey. A chef comes to Idol Manor and makes a chocolate cake for Scott. Everything we see in this three minutes is fifty times more interesting than the stupid filler we usually get. More Idol Manor, please.

Filler Chat. The Idols take turns impersonating each other. Gokey does Matt. Anoop does Kris. (Yes, Anoop. Do Kris. I know at least ten people who will pay good money to see that.) Allison does Gokey. Whatever. It’s not especially funny to anybody but the Idols, who find it hilariously hilarious. And Seacrest, but “smile” is his default setting.

The Elimination Ceremony begins…

Matt, Megan, and Kris are sent, as a group, to the far left of the stage. Oh, it’s one of those eliminations…

Adam, Lil, and Allison are sent, as a group, to the middle of the stage.

Scott, Gokey, and Anoop are sent, as a group, to the right side of the stage.

Three groups of three. Who is safe? Who knows. It’s only twenty-five minutes past the hour.

Idol Alumnus. David Cook sings his new song, whatever that is. As with every David Cook song, past, present, and future, it’s starts off low and growly, then he starts belting and it gets loud. I recapped that shit for 19 weeks last year. I’m not doing it again. In unrelated news, his head is enormous. And for the trouble of coming back to high school, he’s presented with a platinum album of his debut CD. Yay…?

Eliminations continue…

Group 1. Matt Giraud, Megan Joy, and Kris Allen. Kris and Matt are safe. Megan is in the Bottom Three. Ah, so it’s like that. Last night, Simon said Megan’s performance was “boring, indulgent, and monotonous.” Tonight, Megan responds, “I love you, Simon, but I don’t really care.” I think she’s joking. Maybe. Sort of. Halfway…? She heads for the Stools of Doom, flapping her arms like they’re wings and going “Caw! Caw!” This is why I love her.

Group 2. Adam Lambert, Lil Rounds, and Allison Iraheta. Lil and Adam are safe. (Do you really think Adam is going home anytime before Finale Night?) Allison is in the Bottom Three, and not for the first time, correct?

Group 3. Scott MacIntyre, Danny Gokey, and Anoop Desai. Gokey is safe because (see above re: Adam). Scott is also safe. Anoop is in the Bottom Three. The judges want him to party all the time, party all the time–except not all the time, just sometimes, and only on the occasions when they say so via telepathy.

Random Performance. Lady Gaga shows up to sing “Poker Face.” She looks like a transvestite fell on Judy Jetson from a great height. The song starts semi-torch song-y. Gaga at the piano, accompanied by a violin. Then it turns into A Spectacle, with the boom-boom and the dancers and the smoke. It’s all very gay and low-budget, despite being very gay and high-budget. Gaga sports a zipper over one eye, but the fly is open, so she can see. There is pink everywhere. I appreciate that she’s not lip-syncing to a track, like some people known as the contestants of American Idol, but it’s a lot of chaos. It felt like a fever dream.

Eliminations are back…

Anoop, Megan, and Allison are the Bottom Three.

Allison is quickly sent to safely, leaving Megan and Anoop.

Megan is mugging to the camera and acting like she don’t give a fuck, because you know what? Girlfriend don’t give a fuck. Anoop is sent to safety. Megan is the cheese that stands alone. And the cheese is laughing her ass off.

Will the judges contemplate saving her? Simon, in a snit: “Megan, with the greatest respect, when you said you don’t care, nor do we…This is your swan song. Enjoy it.”

Megan is all, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” She re-sings her Bob Marley song from last night, getting all up in the judges grills, dancing and goofballing the whole time. Good for her, although I’m sure it’s annoying Simon that she isn’t Taking This Seriously.

Post-performance, Megan thanks everybody who works on the show, and her fellow contestants. She loves the judges. She loves America. And loves her kid. “Baby, I’m coming home!” Alexis, are you listening or did you forget your child on the bus again?

Next week, the return of the Idol classic theme: “Songs From the Year in Which You Were Born.” Expect music from 1980 through 1986, and then a 1992 from Allison. Also, expect at least one contestant to cheat the system by singing a recent cover of a song from the year in which they were born. If it’s Lambert, he’ll be praised for his originality. If it’s Anoop, they’ll chuck a fish at his head. Loopholes. Always loopholes.

ZOOOOM!
-Frank

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