American Idol Results: 8 Become 7

Last night, the Idols celebrated songs from the year they were born–except for Gokey, who sang a cover of a song from the year he was born. Apparently, it is Gokey’s mission in life to make me throw a brick at my television. Gokey is the new Lambert. And this is American Idol. Put the fucking lotion in the basket!

Because this show can’t waste enough of my time, last night’s “fun with baby photos” is revisited. This time, a old time-y photo of two infants has been Photoshopped with the faces of Simon and Paula. Couldn’t you just pee yourself at the very idea? Yeah, exactly. This gag has something to do with the Year You Were Born theme, in that Seacrest plays a clip of Frankie Avalon singing “Venus” and says the song came out in Simon’s birth year. Aren’t you dying to know when that was? I mean, it’s not like we have an internet or any such service to provide us with that fact.

So Frankie Avalon is on the big screen, in black and white, singing his Top 40 hit from the distant past, loved by millions of now-dead people across the nation. Then all of a sudden, the real Frankie Avalon shows up, in person, all old and shit–but still with his young hair because it’s totally a toupee and he is fooling nobody. All the judges ovate him, because, okay, he sang “Beauty School Dropout” in Grease. Respect. Simon is grinning from ear to ear, because: Gay. Speaking of which, there’s Chris Richardson standing behind Simon! I wonder if he and Blake Lewis ever made out. Anyway, Frankie sings his song. He touches a Moat Girl who is all, “Oh, my God!!” I guess she likes Grease, too. Afterwards, Frankie tells Seacrest that the song came out in 1959, and aren’t you relieved to have that piece of vital information? Please spread the word so we can all sleep peacefully tonight.

Group Sing. Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head.” Hey, they’re not lip-syncing tonight. This sounds awful! I love it!! The boys strut. Allison sings alone on the couch, like it’s been a long day, so don’t fuckin’ bother her right now. Matt is singing from his rectum. Harmony is not Lil’s strong suit. Harmony is not anybody’s strong suit. They sound like a herd of cows getting sexually molested by donkeys on steroids. Gokey needs a kick in the teeth. That smirk of his. He has managed to almost completely absorb my Lambert-hate. With that sort of power, he could be an Avenger. There’s Scott, bouncing at the knees, adorably. Matt is dancing around Lil. Is he supposed to be in that shot? I think Matt is drunk. “Set me freee–ee–eeeee…” It sounds like a haunted house, up in here. This is awesome.

Ford Ad. To the tune of “Circus” by Britney Spears. Not the best song on the album. That would be “Womanizer” or the sorta filthy “If U Seek Amy.” I’ve been listening to this CD a lot, all because of this guy I saw on YouTube. How awesome is that? He makes me want to learn sign language. And go to the gym more. And…stuff. Anyway, before the ad, there’s an in-depth behind-the-scenes reel of how the Idols shot the commercial. It goes like this: They showed up on a set, had their hair, makeup, and wardrobe done, and then they shot the commercial. Isn’t it remarkable how American Idol puts a fresh spin on the familiar? The ad is a whole lot of hooey. The Idols are dressed like Moulin Rouge! magicians who make a Ford vehicle appear from under a blanket. Or disappear. The editing is wonky and I don’t want to watch it again.

Eliminations begin…

Adam Lambert, Kris Allen, and Anoop Desai stand up.

Adam sang that Tears for Fears song everybody knows from Donnie Darko, but by some other guy. If you DVRed the show, you missed his performance because the stupid producers let the show run 8 minutes long. Normally, that would be a blessing. But it was a good performance. For real. Adam is safe.

Kris did terrible things to a Don Henley song. But he sang in the Moat and the girls love him, so he’s safe.

Anoop sang Cyndi Lauper well, but his week-to-week genre-bouncing is catching up with him. Anoop is in the Bottom Three.

Filler Performance. Something called Flo Rida performs a rap song. The good part: It samples Dead or Alive’s “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record).” The bad part: Everything else. I’m not sure if Flo Rida is a guy a group or what. There are 10 people running around the stage, willy-nilly. Two rappers. A chick “singing” the chorus. Dancers (possibly strippers). Then confetti gets dumped on top of everyone. You know, rappers and their thing for confetti. Anyway, I checked. Flo Rida is a “he” not a “they.” Having educated myself and you, let us move on.

Eliminations continue…

Danny Gokey. Smirking. Asshole. Sang “Stand By Me,” which was not recorded in his birth year by a long shot. He’s safe and gross.

Matt Giraud. Obeyed the judges and did the soul thing with some Stevie. He’s safe.

Scott MacIntyre. Sang Survivor’s “The Search is Over,” bland and flat as ever. Scott is in the Bottom Three.

Allison Iraheta and Lil Rounds stand up.

Allison sang “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” very well, but was boring.

Lil sang “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” but was just boring.

Allison is safe. Lil is in the Bottom Three.

Idol Alumnus. Kellie Pickler, who has finally figured out how to keep her big fake boobs under control, sings her song by sticking a microphone almost completely into her mouth. What the fuck are these words, Pickler? Then she gives Simon a lap dance. Almost seriously. But he only has eyes for Frankie tonight. Kellie wanders around. I love it when singers walk amongst the people in the audience and shake their hands. It’s like, “Yes, little person, you are worthy of this small kindness. Now step away while I fetch my Purell.”

Eliminations resume…

Anoop Desai, Lil Rounds, and Scott MacIntyre are the Bottom Three.

Lil is immediately sent to safety. Anoop and Scott remain, with a “slim” difference between them of 30,000 votes.

Then Anoop is sent to safety.

Scott MacIntyre is at the bottom. He has to sing for his life and convince the judges to use the Judge’s Save (which at this point, is no more than a myth). Once again, he’s living for a dream, loving for a moment, taking on the world. That is just his style. Except for the part where he looks into your eyes and he can see forever. Because, well, ya know… This is better than last night, by far–except for one really horrible, awful, shrill moment. I don’t think Scott has ever sounded better than the bulk of this endgame performance.

So will the judges save him? Such deliberation. They whispered through all of Scott’s song. Now Simon says that two judges think Scott should stay, and two think he should go. I’m assuming the girls want him to stay, but who knows. Seacrest wants an answer. Simon doesn’t know what the hell. The audience is yelling “Save him.” Scott is promising he can do better. Then Paula is all, “This wasn’t the right song for you.” Seacrest is like, “Answer me, you asscracks!” So finally Simon deals the blow. It’s the end of the road for Scott. That was pretty dramatic. For this show, at least. I really didn’t know what was going to happen. The judges can only use the Save for another couple of weeks. At Top Five, they have to forfeit. But whatevs, Scott loses. Fair play to him, though. He gave it his best shot.

So hugs and tears and flashback clips. Then Paula makes a speech about how Scott is an inspiration to the blind or the seeing who are inspired by the blind or how her poodle is inspirational or how she likes wearing tutus. I don’t know. It’s Paula. She’s all about the love, but words are not her friend.

Next week: Songs from the Movies. I’ll take back every mean thing I said about Gokey if he sings “Uncle Fucka” from the South Park movie. Anybody have his e-mail address?

Thoooom!!
-Frank

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