American Idol Results: 7 Become…Aw, Crap!

Last night, Quentin Tarantino brought his special brand of clammy yuck to the Idol competition, serving as mentor to the Top 7 as they performed “Music from the Movies.” Specifically, this meant leering at Allison, growling at Anoop, giving Gokey and Kris instructions they did not follow, telling Matt to speak his lyrics and advising Lil to give a shit. It’s probably for the best that Quentin stick with his day job. This is American Idol. Are you going to bring me my lemonade, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?

After a fake grindhouse-style trailer recapping last night’s lackluster events, a random shot of Neil Sedaka staring into the camera, and a brief hello to the judges, we get right down to the business of vamping for an hour.

Ford Ad. To the tune “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band (which, for a brief month or three in 1982, was my favorite band in the whole world. It was a simple time.) Matt pulls up to a newsstand in his Ford vehicle, gets out, and discovers that all of the magazine covers have Idols on them. And all the Idols are moving. And singing. Matt reacts like this is a natural thing and not the work of demons. Allison is on the cover of Plaid Paisley. She is not wearing plaid. Kris’s face adorns Record Rack, and Lil is on Satin magazine. Wow…the writers really put some thought into these names. Adam is on the cover of 8 Rock, which I’m sure is a euphemism of some kind because Tranny Inches wouldn’t get past the censors. Anoop is on Tunes Today, and there’s Gokey, mugging from the front of Fab Fashion. This is all shown over the length of four seconds. Then the Idols start jumping into each other’s covers, while Matt bops his head like a goon. Eventually, everyone lands on the cover of Testicles Weekly–I’m sorry–8 Rock. Matt buys the magazine, and takes it with him as he drives away. Now he owns their souls forever.

Group Sing. “Maniac” by Michael Sembello. I didn’t even have to look that up, which is either quite nifty or very unfortunate. You decide. Kris starts us off, sounding good. Oh, what’s this? An over-the-shoulder shot of Kris facing the judges table reveals a teleprompter with the lyrics scrolling up. The next cue is for Allison (her name is in green). Sure enough, here’s Allison, singing her ascribed line. I guess this is the trade-off for going back to live Group Sings. They get some assistance. I’m opposed to anything that might make this show suck less. I want imperfection! I want mistakes! I want somebody to fall down the stairs! Anoop almost satisfies me when he slightly trips heading into the Moat. They sound good, for live. Adam and Gokey each get a spotlight moment as they sing from separate balconies. (Subtext: they are above the rest of the competition.) Lil is the weakest link in the group, but I think it’s just circumstance. I mean, who in their right mind would sing this song in the first place? What do you do with it? Meanwhile, Paula just realized that she has breasts and has decided to show them to the world. Then it’s over. Short and sweet.

Filler. The Idols went to the premiere of 17 Again, which you might have seen when it was Big or Vice Versa or 18 Again or Freaky Friday or Like Father Like Son or the Freaky Friday remake. Which is to say that I’m sure this movie is absolutely innovative and surprisingly fresh. It stars Zac Efron and some chick who I do believe is high as a kite on the red carpet right now. The Idols meet Zac, and Gokey goes out of his way to tell Zac how Allison said Zac was sexy. Do you see? Gokey thinks he’s funny–but Gokey is a dick. Won’t you please hate him with me? Hugs and kisses. In the film, Matthew Perry plays some old, flabby bastard who gets zapped by magic and turns into beautiful Zac Efron. Then presumably, he spends the rest of the film making out with himself in the mirror. What, like you wouldn’t?

Zac Efron is in the Idol audience to tell us that the movie comes out this Friday, but I’m not listening him since he backed out of the Footloose remake. Aw, who am I kidding? Go, Wildcats!

Eliminations begin…

Allison Iraheta. Sang the Armageddon love theme, flatly. But she’s safe.

Adam Lambert. Sang “Born to Be Wild,” which reminded Simon of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Adam is like, “No big whoop.” Because he, himself, is just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. He’s safe.

Anoop Desai. Sang the Robin Hood song. It was better than lately for him, but not better enough. Anoop is in the Bottom Three.

Idol Alumnus. Jennifer Hudson returns to the show from which she got eliminated after her Top 7 performance. In the years since, she won an Oscar and suffered horrible personal tragedy. Now she’s singing her weak-ass new single, which is ultimately one of those non-melodic, slow-moving, R&B songs which are always useful for testing my fast-forward button. And what do you know? The button works.

Eliminations resume…

Kris Allen. Sang a song nobody knows from a movie nobody saw. But he’s the cutest boy in Tiger Beat since Leif Garrett, so he’s safe.

Lil Rounds. Sang the “The Rose,” then traded thorny comments with Simon. Sass don’t sign your paycheck, honey. Votes do. Lil is in the Bottom Three.

Matt Giraud. Sang an awful Bryan Adams song which we shall never speak of again. Except for when (spoiler alert!) we have to, which is in a few minutes.

Danny Gokey. Sang “Endless Love” from the Cantina scene in Star Wars. (I’m kidding!) It’s from Empire. (I’m kidding!) It’s from Jurassic Park. Gokey can do no wrong because he’s “funny” and his wife, to this day, remains dead.

Gokey is safe. Matt is in the Bottom Three.

So our Bottom Three are Anoop, Lil, and Matt. Anoop is sent to safety, forthwith, leaving just Lil and Matt.

Filler Revisited. Miley Cyrus, wearing what could be a very expensive wedding dress or something left over from the Chicago wardrobe department, sings a song that contains only vowels. “Oaaooeeiio. Aaeey. Oai. Eeeay.” That’s what it sounds like. These kids today and their crazy “pronounciations.” So…Miley Cyrus. Can somebody explain to me the talent of her? I’m curious.

Elimination time…

After a nationwide vote of over 36 million, Lil Rounds is safe. Matt genre-bounced himself into oblivion. Or has he…?

Matt sings for his life. Have you ever really, really ever loved a woman? Really? Have you ever kissed another man on the lips? Mind your business, Giraud. He sounds better tonight than yesterday. Maybe because he’s not distracted by the piano. Maybe because he’s desperate. I’m not saying he’s good. Just better. While he sings, Kara and Paula act like demented loons. Then there’s some deliberation among our fine judges, and Randy.

After the performance, the audience is in a fucking frenzy. “SAVE! SAVE! SAVE! SAVE!” Complete insanity. Simon says that Matt wasn’t as good tonight as he was last night (wrong), and that he doesn’t have any chance of winning the competition (right). But…Matt is safe. They used the Judge’s Save. For reals. (And P.S., Matt is totally going home next week, anyway.)

There’s pandemonium and tears and cheers and lights.

Simon, however, leaves us with this: “I wouldn’t be so quick to congratulate him. Number one, two people are going home next week. Second piece of bad news: Next week is Disco Week.”

Disco Week. Life is good.
-Frank

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