American Idol Results: 7 Become 5

Last night, the contestants paid homage to the disco era–with the exception of Kris, who sang ’80s pop, but that’s okay because he was awesome. Adam did not suck at all. Danny was a menace. Allison’s one note got played out. Lil still didn’t know what the fuck. Anoop drowned in a pool of indifference. Matt wore a hat. And Donna Summer made a nice dollar in royalties. Two of them are going home tonight. Neither of them is Donna Summer. This is American Idol. You know they can get you in East Hampton for wearing red shoes on a Thursday, and all that sort of thing. I don’t know whether you know that. I mean, do you know that?

We open with a flashback to Idol School. In honor of disco (as if there is honor in disco), this week’s Group Sing will be “enhanced” by a dance routine, choreographed by our own Paula Abdul. I bet Scott MacIntyre is in tears over missing out on this. The contestants get sent to a studio, where Paula really, truly seems to mean business. I mean, she’s cheerful and all, but she makes these bitches sweat. Paula wants to see some asses wigglin’. Adam’s mascara is running–that’s how hard she works them. In other news, Matt downloaded his “Let’s Get It On” performance as a ringtone for his own phone. Sales figures on that item: 1 sold.

Group Sing. Aw, damn. Group Sync. Yes, the dreaded lip-syncing is back, as the Idols are scattered throughout the audience and the moat. They look mic-less, but there’s a small something or other attached to them (hopefully, in case the record skips and not because they want us to believe these fools are singing live). Oh, the song is “Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)” by the Jacksons. Where to begin? Everyone is in ’70s garb. Anoop is wearing a leisure suit. Polyester abounds. Matt forgets that in addition to dancing, he’s expected to lip sync. (See yesterday’s recap, re: Matt’s inability to multi-task.) There’s pointing and pelvic thrusts. That Gokey sure does love himself. Now they’re doing a “Soul Train Line.” Yay! Two rows of Idols, with each Idol dancing solo down the middle. Lil strutting and shaking her rack. Gokey disgusting me. Anoop, arms and legs for miles in every direction. Lambert not taking this at all seriously (good for him). Kris looking like he stepped out of a William Higgins movie. Google it (but with a NSFW heads-up–thanks, Bill!). Allison, a peppy bundle of pep. Matt…getting through it. Adam is the best dancer of the bunch, but I suppose that’s expected. Afterwards: flowers and an ovation for Our Paula.

Ford Ad. To the tune of “I’m Good, I’m Gone” by Lykke Li. Wow, the original is 1000 times better than this. Squared. Anyway, this week, the Idols try and fail at working various jobs. Allison and Anoop are bakers who make a mess in the kitchen. Allison is covered in batter. Or…something…white. Matt, Gokey, and Kris are construction workers who build a wall that falls down. Thousands are slaughtered. Lil and Adam are dog washers, until the dog escapes. Smart dog. In the end, the Idols, in their Ford vehicle, pull up in front of a Cafe advertising an “Open Mic Night,” where they enter and, presumably, fuck that up, too. Especially if this cover is any indication.

But we’re here for results, are we not? Let’s get to it.

Lil Rounds. Sang “I’m Every Woman” and was boring for the first time since last week, when she was also boring. She is in the Bottom Th– Scratch that. She is the Bottom One. Lil is going home, easy peasy, nice and breezy.

One down, one to go.

Filler Performance. A “disco medley” or so we’re told. First up, Miss Freda Payne, singing her 1970 hit “Band of Gold.” Say it with me, chums: it’s not disco. Not even if you accept the notion that disco started in 1972 (which I don’t). That said, it’s an awesome song–made even awesomer by the fact that Freda Payne has a face brought to us by the House of Wax. After herself, comes Thelma Houston, singing her 1977 hit, “Don’t Leave Me This Way,” looking like a crazy-homeless wearing a babydoll nightie. Honestly, the front of that skirt is too short for Thelma to be spreading her legs in the general direction of the Moat Girls. But whatever. They’re just Moat Girls. It’ll put hair on their chests. Then out comes KC, of KC and the Sunshine Band. The Sunshine Band has been replaced by many large, artificial tits. Four dancers cover the stage (and also the fact that KC has no moves). KC, who looks like James Gandolfini’s understudy, should try wearing shirts that fit over his jelly belly.

Eliminations continue…

Kris Allen. Sang “She Works Hard for the Money” and was just swell. He’s safe.

Adam Lambert. Sang “If I Can’t Have You” and was almost as swell. It’s embarrassing to admit. He’s safe.

Danny Gokey. Sang “September” in his aggressive Michael McDonald-at-the-wedding way. He’s safe.

Anoop Desai. Sang “Dim All the Lights” and underscored the fact the he’s never going to win this competition. Anoop is in the Bottom Two.

Allison Iraheta. Sang “Hot Stuff” in a way that I suppose was fine, but I don’t like her voice, so whatever.

Matt Giraud. Sang “Staying Alive,” which was a bit of a hot mess. He was supposed to go home last week, but the judges saved him with the Judges Save, which made him saved, by them, the judges. So logic dictates that he should go home this week, yes? No. Matt is safe.

Allison is in the Bottom Two, with Anoop. And one of them is going home.

Idol Alumnus. Aw, Little David Archuleta is back, singing his new single “Touch My Hand,” which is a euphemism for “Touch My Monkey,” which is a euphemism for “Touch My Penis.” I’m not sure David knows he has one yet, so it’s all just subtext at the moment. He is as adorable and wheezy as ever. I want to put him in my pocket and carry him around all day so he can grant me wishes. The song is kinda catchy. Total fluff. Empty, vapid, fluff. But yes, catchy. Nice mid-tempo rhythm. Little Archie is all smiles, touching the hands of the Moat Girls, so happy to be there. He comes off a little more confident than last year. That’s nice to see. Afterwards, David tells us that he’s opening for McFly in the U.K. About McFly: they’re very good, and you should go download their cover of “I Kissed a Girl” right now. Or just watch it. I’ll wait. Meanwhile, David blows smoke up the collective asses of Anoop and Allison, saying that even though one of them is going home and they’re not in the Final 2 and therefore no one will remember them, come November, that being on the show opens doors and provides opportunities, and that life is full of rainbows. It’s good to be a Muppet.

Elimination time…

After a nationwide vote of over 45 million, the second person going home tonight is…

Anoop Desai.

Well, it had to happen. He’s been all over the map since entering the Top 36 or whatever it was. Stupid party songs. Uneven ballads. Throwing shade at Simon. And the “supporting” Idols, which now include Allison, Matt, and probably Kris, have to know that as long as Gokey and Lambert are alive, that’s it. Game over. At best, Gokey will get cut, leaving Kris to take his place in the Final 2. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves with happy dreams of musical Gokeycide.

There are only five Idols left. In four weeks, the jig is up.

Next week: I have no idea. But it better be good.

SLAM!
-Frank

Back to the season guide.