American Idol Results: 4 Become 3

Last night, we were slapped in the face by Rock Night, and boxed in the ears by Gokey’s attempt at a Steve Tyler howl. Allison decided that 17 weeks into the season was a fine time to throw attitude at Simon. But he loved it. The kids sang duets. Gokey was less than thrilled to be paired with Kris, while Adam and Allison owned the stage. Also, the set tried to kill everybody before the show even started. If at first you don’t succeed, etc., etc. This is American Idol. Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?

Ford Ad. To the tune of “Move Along” by someone I’m not in the mood to Google. As a Ford vehicle drives down the ever-present exterior set of Everybody Hates Chris, the Idols come to life from various forms of print. Adam leaps off a billboard. Kris pops out of a newspaper, then Gokey springs forth from the iron-on in the center of Kris’s t-shirt. If farts had legs, they’d be Danny Gokey. Allison exits from an ad on the side of a bus kiosk. There are no people in this City of the Damned. The Idol gods have consumed them. Our four contestants run after the Ford vehicle in 2-D, like a squad of Flat Stanleys. I hope it doesn’t rain, or they’ll get mushy. Actually, I hope it rains. The dimensionally challenged Idols get into the car and drive off, as the horizon goes 2-D before them. The end.

Group Sing. Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out.” Slash is on lead guitar; a Sasquatch in a top hat. He and the band are too loud for the Idols. I can barely hear Adam over the din. Adam. Kris looking like he’s singing in his basement instead of on stage/national TV. Very relaxed. Danny acting like he even halfway fits into this scenario. Allison singing the “no more pencils” part as a solo, and randomly, wonderfully, shoving Danny in the chest. Now kick him hard! Adam and Allison wrapping up that section of the song, duet-style, because they are the Joanie and Chachie of this show now. Slash getting a guitar solo. Was he in that movie House of 1000 Corpses? Because he looks like one of those zombie-mutants who chased the girl in the bunny costume through the underground tunnels. (That really happens.) Did you know Dwight Schrute was in that film? It’s a fact. The song ends and school is out.

Filler Song #1. Remember when Paula was on the radio, and making videos with cartoon cats, and shit like that? Well, if you don’t, we get a clip reel of the History of Paula, just to refresh your memory. She has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but then so does Woody Woodpecker. Welcome to America. Anyway, Paula is “singing” her new song, “I’m Just Here for the Music.” By “singing” I mean lip-syncing to a track that can barely be considered singing in the first place. She’s all electronical-voiced, like Britney Spears or Cher on that one gay song of hers. Okay, no, the other gay song. Ah, just pick one, okay? Paula comes down the stage being pursued by paparazzi-dancers, as often happens in life. One of those guys is Benji from So You Think You Can Dance. Paula is just here for the music, she really didn’t mean to turn us on. Hey, no worries, Paula. No worries. There is choreography, and it’s not bad. Paula’s good at that. And the dancers are very easy on the eyes (unlike those fugloids at Bravo’s A-List Awards. I mean, I’m all for employing the homeless, but there should be limits with regard to the entertainment industry.) The dancers carry Paula this way and that. She don’t need to stay in her seat, ’cause she’s not gonna miss a beat, she wants to freak it. So basically, this song is about the stresses of celebrity and the internal dichotomy of fame vs. privacy celebs must overcome in today’s all-access society. Or it’s about a 47-year-old chick with a painkiller addiction wanting to shake her ass. I dunno. She leaves us with this message: “Live! Love! Sing! Dance!” (And always wear clean underpants.)

Filler Song #2. No Doubt is here to sing “Just a Girl.” Um…they do know this song is 14 years old, don’t they? Also, does anyone else find Gwen Stefani incredibly annoying or is it just me? It’s like she thinks she’s coming off about ten times cuter and more precocious and more fab-glam than she actually is. But she’s really just a nuisance. At any rate, at least they’re not performing their cover of Adam & the Ants’ “Stand and Deliver.” That is a a true abomination. Don’t believe me? Check out Gozzip Girl on Monday night.

Elimination begins. Finally…

Seacrest reminds us that the Top 3 will go on their hometown visits next week. To prove he’s not lying they show us footage of a bunch of Idols doing just that. Blake Lewis, Jordan Sparks, Little Archie, Bo Bice and other finalists not named Clay Aiken or Kelly Clarkson are all shown being worshipped by their hometown masses. Even Syesha Mercado gets some play. Who? I know. Really. Then Ryan tells us there are three chairs on the far side of the stage. Those are for The Good People. Whoever goes home is just an ass-face and they’re not allowed to sit. The Idols will be selected and seated in random order. Seacrest really wants us to know that.

Allison Iraheta sang Janis Joplin. Kara called her larger than life and Paula called her fearless. I’m almost certain I called her a mush-mouth and said something unkind about her outfit. Allison can’t sit yet.

Danny Gokey sang Aerosmith, and in a desperately jealous bid to compete with Adam Lambert, attempted an over-the-top scream that did nothing but shame him on the internets and, no doubt, on The Soup, come Friday. Danny can’t sit yet, either.

Adam Lambert, looking like the Goth son of Dorothy Zbornak, sang Zeppelin. He got praise all around, which is nothing new. No seat for him.

Kris Allen sang the Beatles. Randy liked that he played guitar, and Simon didn’t like it much at all. But you know what? Simon can suck it because Kris is sent to sit, to safety, to his hometown parade, and to the Top 3. Aces!

Idol Alumnus. Chris Daughtry was on this show for awhile, that time. He was the test model for David Cook, and got sent home even though everybody thought he’d win. But then he formed a band, called Daughtry, because fuck those other dudes playing guitars and drums in the back. They can get their own band if they want people to know their names. Daughtry, the band, became quite successful. Or so I’m told. Anyway, he’s still hot in a gay porn kinda way, but musically? Eh. This whole Nickelback sound leaves me cold. In short: he, or they…? They. They perform their new single, and there you go.

Elimination…

Adam Lambert, shocker, is safe, can sit, and will be in the Top 3.

And, after the record-setting vote of 64 million, Danny Gokey is safe. Allison Iraheta is going home to no parade and no key to the city. No crowds and no performances in her high school gym. Nope, it’s back to performing at Costco on Sunday afternoons, for the old people and the food-samplers. I can’t say I’ll miss her. This script was written weeks ago. There’s a slim chance Gokey will get booted next week, but it’s more likely we’ll lose Kris, for a Gokey-Lambert finale. Tonight was Allison’s destiny. Or rather, her density.

Next week, it’s all boys, all night. Plus, Adam. Everybody sings two songs, one of which is “judge’s choice.” That’s always interesting (the judges never like the result). Plus, another Idol graduate appears before somebody (Kris Allen?) disappears.

See ya then!
-Frank

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