American Idol Results: 13 Become 11

“The next hour will change the lives of these 13 people.” Not counting the 11 of them who aren’t going home. “Which two people got the lowest number of votes?” I don’t know, but Danny Gokey has nothing to worry about. “And what is this new rule all about?” It’s about putting more of a fix on this game, that’s what. This is American Idol. Give me librium or give me meth.

Ryan gets right to explaining the new rule. It amounts to a “Get Out of Jail Free” card for one contestant. Because in past seasons, good performers like Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson, Michael Johns, and Chris Daughtry got sent home before their time, they — hold on. Michael Johns? It wasn’t so long ago that we’ve forgotten, Ryan. Last year, the judges were all about Michael Johns. He was “the real deal.” He was “an authentic rocker.” But when they saw a shiny object on the other side of stage called David Cook, it was all, “You’re supposed to be a rocker, Michael? So why are you singing Queen songs? Why do you wear ascots? We hate you. Die.” Within three weeks, Michael was out, Cook was the It Boy, and Cook won the season. In the words of Judge Judy, dear Idol, don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Six months ago, nobody, except David Cook, would argue that Michael Johns went home before his time. Do we understand each other, Idol? All right then. You may continue.

The new rule is called “The Judges’ Save,” because the much catchier “Power of Veto” is being used on the much awesomer Big Brother. From now until the Top 5, the judges can save one contestant from elimination. They can only do this one time, and it must be unanimous (good luck getting that to happen). Once they use the Save, they can’t use it again for the entire season. The saved contestant immediately goes back into the game, essentially creating a non-elimination Results Show. The week after that? Two people go home. Fine by me. Send three home, for all I care.

Allow me to simplify this rule: If, at any point, the viewers decide they’ve had enough of the show pimping Danny Gokey, or if they realize that Adam Lambert is, in fact, an irritating cosmic joke, the judges will save them. They might also do it for Lil Rounds, but I wouldn’t count on it. No, they might as well call this the “Gokey-Lambert Expansion.”

Filler Clip: The Idols move into a mansion the size of Canada, where they’ll be living for the duration of the competition. Or till tomorrow, depending on their name. There must be fifty rooms in this place, so of course, the Idols will bunk together. Four to a room?! Harsh. This would be a fine time for Anoop to develop a “sleepwalking problem” and “stumble” into Kris’s bed. I’d watch that footage, although it’s unlikely we’ll see any Idol House clips of any kind. (Fox, you’re missing an online opportunity. Streaming video. Live feeds. I’m just saying.) Anyway, marble staircase here, indoor swimming pool there, outdoor swimming pool over yonder, shirtless Kris diving into the pool (no, really!). Fucking Lambert looking more like movie critic Rex Reed by the minute. Basketball court. Jacuzzi. Steam room. Hey, Kris, there’s a steam room over here, buddy! A bowling alley. Seriously. So this will be where they live. Yay for them. I’m just hoping my toilet will keep flushing through the weekend.

Group Sing. Jackson 5 Medley. 90-percent “ABC,” 10-percent “I Want You Back.” Jorge and Kris bop and knock fists. Lil and Alexis sing together. They sound good, but Alexis needs to dial down the “sexy moves.” Spazzy choreography. Idols take turns subtly leading Blind Scott from one mark to the next. He makes it through the performance without falling down, and only occasionally falls out of step. Good for him. Oil Rig Sarver gets more forgettable every time I see him. I wonder how the world likes him. Together, they don’t sound like a hot mess. This isn’t as good as that Katy Perry number from a few weeks ago, but they don’t sound like deaf dogs howling. Gokey gets a spotlight moment, front and center, thrusting his crotch in my general direction. Um…icky much? Woah. Looking at this again, I’m watching Jorge and there’s a whole other song coming out of his face. His lips are not forming the lyrics of this song. That’s funny and sad. But mostly funny.

Ford Ad. Kinda shitty this week. The Ford vehicle drives around while the Idols sing “We Will Rock You,” projected on a bunch of skyscrapers. Hopefully, these ads will get better. And by better, I mean worse.

And now, results…

Michael Sarver sang “You Are Not Alone.” He’s safe.

Allison Iraheta sang “Give Into Me.” She’s safe.

Jasmine Murray sang “I’ll Be There.” She’s made to go stand over on stage.

Matt Giraud, in a panic, goes to stand with Jasmine. Seacrest is like, “Unplanned error! Bzzt! Unplanned error!” Matt sang “Human Nature.” He’s safe.

Kris Allen sang “Remember the Time” like Jason Mraz and yay!

Megan Corkrey sang “Rockin’ Robin” and went “Caw! Caw!” at the end. Love.

Kris is safe. Megan is not.

Megan and Jasmine stand together. Jasmine is out.

Will the judges save her? Randy, kindly, tells Jasmine “it’s not gonna work.” She’s really out. Jasmine starts crying, and in a very lovely moment (especially because I don’t think he knows his mic is on — I had to turn my TV way up to hear it all), Ryan hugs Jasmine and whispers, “I’m sorry, darling…you’ve gotta be so proud. Look at what you’ve accomplished at such a young age. You really are tremendous. So talented. We loved having you.” It’s a really sweet moment. I love seeing the human, non-plastic side of Ryan.

Next up, a pre-taped performance by Kanye West. I do not entertain Kanye West.

Results continue…

Scott MacIntyre sang “Keep the Faith” while being both blind and inspirational. He’s safe.

Alexis Grace sang “Dirty Diana.” She could go, and surely will, but not tonight. She’s safe.

Danny Gokey sang “PYT.” The audience cheers. He’s safe.

Anoop Desai sang “Beat It.” It was kinda karaoke. Anoop is not safe, and takes center stage.

Adam Lambert sang “Black & White.” The audience loses their shit over him. Really, audience? Really? Whatever. He’s safe.

Jorge Nuñez sang “Never Can Say Goodbye” and it was not good.

Lil Rounds sang “The Way You Make Me Feel,” and although she looked ridonkulous, she was solid.

Lil is safe. Jorge joins Anoop to wait for the final results.

But first, Miss Kelly Clarkson, winner of Year 1, joins us for a live performance. She’s as bubbly and likable as ever, chatting away with Seacrest about her just-dropped album and, because Ryan is curious, her love life. The new single, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” is catchy enough. It’ll probably do well. This girl is the probably the best thing to come out of this show (and I’m not even a fan — that’s an objective opinion). She gots pipes.

Ryan promises more Idol alumni in the coming weeks. Dare I hope for the return of Bucky Covington, Paris Bennett, and Anthony Federov? A boy can dream.

Results, because that’s why we’re here…

It’s down to Anoop and Jorge.

Anoop is safe. Will the judges save Jorge? Simon says, “No. Sorry.” That’s really what he said. All of it. No muss, no fuss.

So goodbye Jasmine Murray and your Mo’Nique-lookin’ head. Farewell, Jorge Nuñez and your over-moussed Menudo hair. I might remember you by the time this season ends. But probably not.

Next week: more stuff!

Ozzle-ozzle!
-Frank

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