American Idol Hollywood: A Room with a Poo

Hollywood Round continues, and as Semi-Finals approach we’re down to 72 lukewarm bodies. Some people, an actual few, are finally starting to become recognizable. That’s a good start. But I still think they should wear the same clothes every episode, like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, just to make the experience easier for me. Tonight, the survivors sing yet again, with backup vocalists and, if they chose, performing their own musical instruments. Then the judges will then make their final cut. Until tomorrow, when they make their final final cut. This is American Idol. Zoinks!

Tonight’s show is little more than a stream of faces, parading through my line of sight, with minimal performance footage. Let’s enjoy the silence, shall we?

There’s a weird flashback/flash-forward structure to this episode which, by comparison, makes Lost look linear. I’m not dealing with most of that. Unless Marty McFly or talking apes are involved, I like time to move in one direction — forward. Suffice it to say that the episode opens up with a bunch of people having already performed, then we flash back to see some of those performances, then we return to the present to check on those folks, then we go back in time for more and, really, Idol? Forty-something episodes a season and here is where you get creative?

This is how it works: They sing. The judges say nothing. Eventually, the entire lot is split into four rooms. At least one of those rooms, in its entirely, will be eliminated from the competition.

Adam Lambert, Pretty Goth Boy, is wearing black nail polish and is now dead to me. He sings Cher’s “Believe,” as a ballad, sounding like a female impersonator doing an impression of Von Smith. Eh.

Matt Giraud, who looked familiar to me last night and whom I’m now reminded was the “dueling pianist” from many weeks ago, plays the keyboard and sings a nice rendition of the theme from Designing Women.

Jamar Rogers, Friend of Danny Gokey, sings that “Delilah” song in a puppet voice. I like his green sweater/pink tie combination.

Danny Gokey, Mr. Dead Wife and Friend of Jamar, performs flawlessly, as usual.

Big Bang geek, Anoop Desai, sings Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative” with a straight face, and I love him a little bit.

Jorge Nunez, Menudo Wig, sounds radio-ready, but I just can’t take to him.

Scott Macintyre, Blind Guy (a.k.a. Blind Guy With Hot Brother) sings that “I’m Going Home” song, which could bite him in the ass. I mean why tempt fate? But he plays the keyboards and he’s quite good. Paula gives him a standing ovation. Later, he gets the news, and he’s like, “Didn’t see it, but love it.” If only he knew she does it for 368 of the 72 singers.

Kendall Beard is some perky blonde chick. Ryan wants us to believe we met her in Puerto Rico and that we saw her screw up earlier in the Hollywood round. Don’t believe Ryan. He lies like a rug. Or is it lays? Ask Simon. Kendall is desperate to be the next Carrie Underwood. Meh.

Stevie Wright was also too boring to get airtime during auditions, so she’s retconned onto the show now. She sings that annoying “starts in my toes, makes me crinkle my nose” song which will someday induce me to throw a frying pan at somebody’s head. Pass on Stevie.

Lil Rounds, Tornado Mom, sings awesomely again.

Kristin McNamara, Blondie Blonde, was “drama” last night. But she got through and now sings a little like Bonnie Tyler.

Mishavonna Henson is another girl we’ve never seen before. Now, Seacrest is “reminding” us how we met her last season — that’s right, last season — when she got booted during Hollywood Week. Okay, Ryan, if you say so. She makes no impression on me, but still, it’s a better impression than the other Never Seens that have been foisted upon us tonight.

In the “present,” one group’s fate as been decided, and a bunch of them, including Blind Guy and Pretty Goth, are sent off to the first of four holding rooms. Ironically, it’s called Room One. Danny Gokey is there, so I’m like, are you kidding me? This has all the suspense of an episode of Columbo.

Room Two is filled with such notables as Alex the Wiseass Nerd, Oil Rig Guy, and demented diva Tatiana Del Toro.  Hmm…

Back in the past, Tatiana sings for the judges, and she sounds pretty good at first, then gets shouty-screamy, and I dunno…I’m too busy looking at her dress which appears to be made from her grandmother’s parlor drapes. Afterwards, Tatiana spins around and tells us she did “awesome.” Can somebody please sedate her? Consider it a personal favor to me.

Alexis Grace, Single Mom with MIA Baby, sings fine.

Kenny Hoffpauer is a crooner, seen very briefly in a montage sometime ago. Crooners die horribly on this show. For Kenny’s sake, let’s hope he doesn’t make it.

Jasmine Murray, Mo’Nique, continues to grow on me. I might have to abandon her nickname soon.

Nathaniel Marshall, Gay Jughead, has gone the Dirty Hippie route and left his shoes behind. He sings “Disturbia,” but it seems to have a lot of extra S’s in it.

Joanna Pacitti, ringer, is seen for the first time since auditions. No mention is made this time of her old A&M contract, and all we see of her tonight is Joanna messing up her lyrics.

Casey Carlson, whoever the hell that is, messed up her lyrics, too.

Stephen Fowler, Man with Afro, also forgets his lyrics while playing the keyboard. He stops. He starts again. He messes up again. So Stephen is like, “See ya!” and leaves the stage.

All those people I just talked about are in Room 2. But there’s some sort of glitch with the body count, and the judges have Tatiana removed from Room 2 and transferred elsewhere — but not before they make her stand in the hall for, like, three hours, so she can freak out. They should have just locked her in a closet until the next “Idol Gives Back” (which, incidentally, won’t happen again till the 2010 season).

Nick Mitchell, a.k.a. Norman Gentle, a.k.a. GET OFF MY TV, YOU ASS! is back to perform. And he’s in his shiny disco shirt and acting like a cock and if you think I have a fart’s worth of tolerance for this idiot, you are on the weed.

Now, in the present, the judges have decided where to stick the remaining contestants. All four rooms are full of hopes, delusions, and body odor. The people in Room 4 are looking at Nick Mitchell and saying their prayers.

Also in Room 4 is Anne Marie Boskovich, who, no matter how many times I’ve written about her, fails to so much as tickle the back of my memory. She sings and is boring.

Some guy named Ju’not Joyner shows up to sing and again Ryan tries to fool us into thinking we’ve seen him. “It was in New York City when we first met Ju’not.” Yeah, sure. He’s okay, I guess. These Never Seens have an uphill battle ahead of them.

In the present, Tatiana is put into Room 4 — the same room as Nick Mitchell. All those people who were saying their prayers have now moved on to slitting their wrists. I’ll also say this: I don’t recognize about 85 percent of the people in this room.

Earlier…

Kaylan Loyd, best known as Chloe from 24 in Tatiana’s group last week, sings from the back of her throat, like she’s trying not to inhale water. Also, she hunches over like a poo is coming.

Leneshe Young who sang that homemade “Nattie” song in Louisville, and who loves her mother dearly, changed her hairstyle and looks completely different. There should be a rule against that, for the contestant’s own good. Good performance, though.

Kai Kalama, who looks after his mother with the vague “nervous disorder” or whatever the hell, has trouble controlling his voice and still needs a haircut.

Michael Sarver, Oil Rig Guy, is so gonna be in the Top 12, despite his choice to sing “All or Nothing” by O-Town. Better that than “Liquid Dreams,” I suppose.

He’s in Room 2 with Jasmine Murray and Von Smith, who got no play. Like him or not, my spider-sense tells me the show is trying to sabotage Von.

Simon has had enough and leaves to fly back to London.

The contestants await their fate…

Room 2. Paula, Kara, and Randy deliver a whole lot of flim-flam to make it sound like they’re going home. But nah, they’re staying. Among them: Nathaniel Marshall, Kai Kalama, Joanna Pacitti, Alexis Grace, Jasmine Murray, Crooner Kid, Alex the Wiseass Nerd, Oil Rig Guy, and Von Smith, who isn’t even mentioned by name (see?!).

Room 3 also gets some flim-flam to make it sound like they’re going home — which they absolutely are. Say farewell to: Sweater Neck, Young Brad Pitt, Average Black Girl from Tatiana’s Group Night group, Chloe from 24, also from Tatiana’s Group Night group, Jason Castro’s brother, who hasn’t sung a note since his original audition, and Leneshe Young. See what happens when you change your hairstyle, Leneshe? Have we learned nothing from Felicity?

Room 1 is totally staying. I mean, come on. Moving forward are: Danny Gokey and pal Jamar Rogers, Menudo Wig, Anoop (yay!), Blondie Blonde, Matt the dueling pianist, Jackie Tohn (remember when she mooned us at graduation?!), Blind Scott, Pretty Goth, Lil “Tornado” Rounds, and two of those chicks they introduced tonight but acted like we’d seen before.

Room 4 is last up. Who’s there? Glad you asked. We have: Tatiana (who whines and shakes and literally howls from the second the judges enter the room, and if you think I’m dealing with her shit on a weekly basis, you’re as crazy as she is, but I’m terrified that America will keep her on the show, because as history has proven, the Americans who watch this show and vote are mentally deficient), Nick Mitchell, that Anne Marie Boscovich chick, which, whatever to her, Ju’not Joyner, and the Spencer Pratt guy. I recognize no one else. They’ve got to be going home, yes? No. All of them are staying. Seriously.

Tomorrow night, in a double-length episode, the herd is culled even further, as the final 36 are revealed. There’s a judge’s mansion, fucking thrones, y’all, and Simon telling people to sing for their survival. Do I dare say this looks interesting? I dare!

And now, I’m off to have some soup.

Slurp!
-Frank

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