American Idol Hollywood: A Freak By Any Other Name…

It’s the second night of the Hollywood Round — specifically, the always-engrossing Group Night. Seacrest promises us tears, triumphs, and tragedies. I’d also like him to promise us Jason Voorhees chasing these idiots with a machete, but alas, Ryan likes to keep the viewers wanting more. Judging from teaser, however, there will be these things: Big gay hissyfits, backstabbings, f-bombs, and at least one skank. This is American Idol. Camp Crystal Lake is jinxed!

So far, 40 contests have gone home. Now, the remaining 104 “lucky ones” will break up into small groups of their own making. Tiny huddles of three or four people start forming all over the Kodak Theatre. Blind Guy has found a group, and he can barely even see, but a number of lost souls wander the auditorium, begging to be part of a team. They just want a home, y’all.

Tatiana Del Toro is having a hard time of it. She’s that dubiously-talented chick with the Tickle Me Elmo laugh, who showed up at auditions with a press-kit and about three suitcases full of straight-jackets. When she finally joins a group, she immediately takes charge. The other girls, who include Chloe from 24, Sweater Neck, and Average Black Chick, quickly catch wise to Tatiana’s…um…let’s call ’em personality quirks. “She’s so crazy,” says Average Black Chick.

The little groups rehearse all over the joint. On balconies and in a hallways. In empty rooms and in dining areas. They’ve picked their songs from a show-approved list, and right now, Duffy’s “Mercy” seems to be the big favorite.

One ready-for-primetime spin-off group consists of Rose Flack (a.k.a. Dirty Hippie), Jasmine Murry (a.k.a. Mo’Nique Head) and Bikini Girl (a.k.a. Skeezer). Also, Another Average Black Chick. Dirty Rose thinks the whole thing will be “completely ridiculous,” but not as ridiculous as, say, refusing to use soap while staying in a hotel where you can get soap for free.

Meanwhile, Tatiana is driving her group up a wall. “If you keep going off key, then you are a bad singer,” she tells Average Black Chick. Sweater Neck is like, “If you’re gonna be the leader, then you need to be sensitive to everybody’s needs.” But Tatiana has a look in her eyes like Sweater Neck is a panda bear doing a tap dance.

Danny Gokey (Mr. Dead Wife) and Jamar Rogers (Friend of Danny) are rehearsing in the kitchen with two girls. They seem normal and professional, so it’s really just a hello and goodbye clip.

Tatiana fake-ly cries to Chloe from 24 about how “this means everything” to her and how Chloe from 24 “doesn’t understand.” Because this competition only exists to propel Tatiana forward in life, and the other 103 people are just support staff. Average Black Chick gives Tatiana the stink eye and then decides that Tatiana is up to hijinks. “She’s trying to sabotage us,” she tells the other girls. I don’t think Tatiana can think far enough beyond herself to even consider sabotage. She’s just blindly self-involved and abundantly stupid.

Now Tatiana whines to the camera about how the girls on her team are going to throw her under the bus and humiliate her before the judges. Either of those, literally, are fine by me. So Tatiana, no lie, frantically runs across the room to join another group.

This group consists of Nathanial Marshall (a.k.a. Gay Jughead, from last night), Nancy Wilson (a.k.a. Fierce Girl, whom we’ve never before seen) and Blondie Blonde (whom we’ve also never before seen). Fierce Girl is like, “Hold up, hold up!” She doesn’t want whatever Tatiana is selling, but gives in.

Deep into the night, there is more rehearsing. For example: Blind Guy is dancing behind Von Smith as they interpret the phrase “the blind leading the blind.”

And Tatiana? She abandons her new group to reconnect with her old group. Fierce Girl storms over there with blood in her eye, demanding to know what Tatiana’s fucking problem is. Why is she wasting everyone’s time? Tatiana just laughs, like a jackhole. “It’s not funny!” yells Fierce Girl. Fierce Girl will cut a bitch. Tatiana admits that she was wrong, but only to make Fierce go away.

Gay Jughead, Fierce Girl, and Blondie Blonde decide to call themselves Team Compromise.

Meanwhile, Tatiana and her old team disagree about everything. Sweater Neck talks about how run down she is and how “it’s not gonna work.” Tatiana laughs like the Boogieman in the closet and says, “Don’t say that ever about me. Ever. Heehawhaha! Ever. Hmmha! Ever. Never! Please. Don’t ever say that about me.” Sweater Neck makes it clear that she is tired of dealing with “people like you.” Meaning Tatiana. Sweater Nick will also cut a bitch.

Team Compromise is having problems. Blondie Blonde “needs to be away from the noise.” Fierce Girl “didn’t come here to sit.” The two girls argue about rehearsing and “wanting it.” Blondie says that Fierce Girl has been nothing but drama. Fierce Girl kindly requests clarification: “I been drama?!” Blondie Blonde weeps openly and runs away. Now she been drama.

Team Diva, which consists of Dirty Rose, Mo’Nique, Bikini Girl and the other one, are having their own problems. Bikini Girl is going to bed. Practice be damned. She’s not used to being off her back this long. Dirty Rose does not like this development.

Downstairs, Gay Jughead sobs to Alex the Wiseass Nerd and Emily Wynne-Hughes (Tattoo Girl) about how he doesn’t know what to do with “these girls” not getting along. Fierce Girl overhears this and hollers at him. Gay Jughead is all, “It’s not just your dream at stake!” Gay Jughead weeps openly and runs away.

Fierce Girl, apparently, is the Great Devourer.

It’s 7 a.m. Breakfast time. The masses gather for juice, coffee and whine. Many haven’t slept. Some practice choreography.

Team Diva is still missing their hose-beast. Bikini Girl hasn’t come out of her room, so they go there to find her still in bed. Dirty Rose sticks her head under the covers, and I tell you what: I could be on my death bed, and if that girl so much as touched my sheets, I’d run a mile to get away from her. Bikini girl says she’s going home.

Team Compromise is still missing their “compromise.” Blondie Blonde says that working with Gay Jughead has been hard. “He is a bit dramatic,” she says. Pot? This is kettle. You can shut the fuck up. None of them are talking to each other.

But the members of Tatiana’s group are talking to each other. This is a crazy world, people.

And making a surprise appearance at Group Roll call? Bikini Girl, who isn’t going home after all. The other girls walk away, disgusted. And if Dirty Rose can be disgusted, you know Bikini Girl has crossed a line. “We’re gonna be the group that gets up there and is an absolute train wreck,” says Rose.

Finally, it’s performance time. Simon: “Forget the words: You’re out.”

First up: White Chocolate, a team which consists of “India, Justin, Kris and Matt.” Only one of the boys, Matt, looks familiar. They do an awesome a capella/rap version of the Jackson 5’s “I Want You Back.” Even Simon cracks a smile. They’re all safe.

Then a bunch of people fuck up. Austin Sisneros (a.k.a Faux-Archuleta) forgets his lyrics, as does Julissa Veloz, whom we saw that one time. They both get cut, but Menudo Wig and Disco Assclown move forward — even though we don’t hear them sing.

Team Action Squad, consisting of Alex the Wiseass Nerd, Tattoo Girl, and two others, Anne-Marie Boskovich, vaguely familiar, and Ryan Pinkston, never seen. Their Brady Kids choreography is compelling, but Anne-Marie and Ryan forget their lyrics and get sent home. Wiseass Nerd lives!

Ryan Pinkston: “I feel manipulated and insulted. I feel like I have seen a side of Paula that I didn’t know was there. I saw an evil in her eyes.” The editors, having just acquired Photoshop, doctor a shot of Paula, giving her red devil eyes. Silly editors!

Danny Gokey and Pal Jamar’s group perform and, of course, they’re wonderful. If they were horrors, we’d have actually, ya know, seen them. All are moving forward.

Jeremy Sarver (Oil Rig Guy) does well. Watch and see, he’ll be in the Top 12, playing the role of Joss Gracin, All-American. Something about Jeremy makes me uncomfortable, I don’t know what that is yet. Stay tuned.

Adam Lambert, (Pretty Goth Boy, who I think is also the one who was in a production of Wicked) and Matt Breitzke (Bald Dude from Some Other Episode) also please the judges and are through to the next round with some other peeps.

Team Diva is up at bat, singing “Mercy.” Bikini Girl is a flat line on the monitor of my mind in every regard. She’s like the reverse of a Triple Threat. A Negative-3, if you will. Whatever. Dirty Rose forgets the lyrics but hops around the stage going “Da-dada-daaa,” bringing me hope that she will indeed go home. Mo’Nique — Jasmine Murray, if you must — steps up, performs, and performs well. The other one has a nice dress. Other One tries to sell out Bikini Girl without mentioning her by name.

Bikini Girl, however, sees the writing on the wall and performs a solo act — of desperation: “I was in heels since five in the morning and then I was up till three and then I have scoliosis and I was sitting on the floor and my back was hurting and I was so tired!” Just like that. In one long sentence. It doesn’t impress anyone, especially Kara, and all but Jasmine Murray are cut from the competition.

In a random montage, we learn the the Osmond guy has been eliminated. Nice narrative, Idol!

Only two groups remain: Team Tatiana and Team Compromise. Nice narrative, Idol!

Team Tatiana is first. Sweater Neck left her sweater behind. Maybe she should have brought it with her. Her vocal chords need some support. Tatiana sounds wonderful — in her own mind. The other two don’t get any play. When they’re done, Tatiana keeps singing, “Iyyyy wanna get through-oo-ooo…” The judges and Chloe from 24 are like, “Zip it, fool!” I must be going deaf…or the judges are. All four girls are moving forward. Seriously. Outside, Tatiana thanks Jesus, and everyone, everyone, everyone who is a part of Idol, including the guy “holding the sound stick.” Meanwhile, the other girls begin plotting her murder.

Team Diva closes out Group Night. Gay Jughead leads a prayer where he asks God to watch over the group. Sorry, Jughead, but I think God is watching Knight Rider. It needs Him more. Before they even sing, Blondie Blonde tells the judges that she’s tired of the drama. “I just want it to go away.” During the performance, Jughead displays a lot of pep, if not the best singing voice. Fierce Girl is having a hard time. Must have strained herself screaming last night. Blondie has some pipes. But harmonically? The group sounds like somebody through a xylophone down the stairs.

Simon accuses them all of sabotaging each other on the back-up singing, to which they all respond with the same “Not Me!” face. He says that only one of the girls is safe. Blondie tries to offer Fierce a friendly gesture of support: She touches her arm. Fierce takes one, definitive step away from her. Gay Jughead and Blondie Blonde are through. Fierce is cut.

Crying, she shuns her teammates, literally pushing Jughead away. Then in front of the judges, she says something that I think is “Fuck you!” to Blondie. (It sounds like this: “BEEP-BEEP!” Decide for yourself.) I would have liked her to make it to the Top 8 or thereabouts, so she could express the same good wishes to Seacrest’s virgin ears.

Going home: Many, many people we’ve never seen before. A few we might have seen but whom I’ve forgotten. And that Dancing Naked Peace Chick.

Safe: Many, many people we’ve never seen before. A few we might have seen, but whom I’ve forgotten. Blind Guy, Von Smith, Spencer Pratt Guy, Lil Rounds, and (I think) Jason Casto’s brother — who we haven’t heard sing since his audition, just so’s you know — are all on to the next stage of the game.

Next week, Hollywood Round continues, and shit happens. Then, we vote!

Krunch!
-Frank

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