England in Medieval Total War

“London bridge is burning down!” is my new battlecry, and, come to think of it, it’s a bad one because London’s one of my cities and I don’t want my bridges sinking into the Thames.

I’ve taken the reigns of the Brits and the first order of business is to secure the British Isles. This includes taking arms against my real-life ancestors, the proud Scots (proud, yet slightly girlie with the kilts and all). The game begins well before the Reformation, so both England and Scotland are Christian states. The Pope won’t like me stepping on my neighbor’s toes, but it’s so early he has no real power yet. The advantage is mine. Edinburgh falls like a drunken crack whore. The Pope excommunicates my faction much quicker than I expected. (It’s a new land speed record!) My troops push onward to Inverness and ensure that Braveheart will never get made. Several turns later, I take Dublin (much easier than it was in Medieval 1). Britain is united.

It’s time to settle down to a nice celebratory feast of…ugh, what manner of food is this? How could a country with the culinary acumen of a Jim Rose Circus Sideshow reject end up conquering half the world?

As it happens, I never found out. I retired to simpler pleasures. Mostly booze and watching Europa Universalis 2 crash to my desktop again.

Next up, a Europa Universalis campaign.