Wow. This season is just flying by, isn’t it? Last week, we lost what’s-her-face, with the tattoos and the voice and shimmy-shimmy. Now we’re left with eight individuals with the potential to become stars, but who, in all likelihood, with just be known as “that one who was on that show, I think.” This is American Idol. The problem with your daughter is not her bed. It’s her brain.
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American Idol: Tears for Years
April 8, 2009 By
American Idol Results: 9 Become 8
April 1, 2009 By
Last night, the Idols got their iTunes on. There were bad song choices, bad performances, and most horrible of all, bad hair. Tonight, another soul gets booted with nothing to show for it but some snarky blog commentary from people like me, and the vague possibility of appearing on a future season of Celebrity Rehab. But that will be then. This will be now. And this is American Idol. I seen Beyoncé at Burger King, and she was eatin’. (She was what?) She was eatin’. (Oh.)
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American Idol: Like Nine Peas in an iPod
April 1, 2009 By
Tonight, the producers make a half-assed attempt at being musically current. Of course the Idols will mess it up by exhuming the graves of long-dead songs and turning them into boring, unrecognizable trash. But what do you expect? This, after all, is American Idol. Camarooooon!!
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American Idol Results: 10 Become 9
March 27, 2009 By
Hey, where are my Idols, looking worried and/or cocky as Seacrest starts the show? This episode begins with recap clips of last night. No sign of the gang. Lazy producers. Here’s what you missed: Smokey Robinson glared at us with demon-eyes, Paula wore a tutu, Randy continued to be parody of himself, and Simon kept it real. Also, Kara was present. Mostly, a bunch of soon-to-be-forgotten people sang the hits of Motown. This is American Idol. Why don’t you dance with me? I’m not no limburger.
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American Idol: Top 10: Mo is Less
March 26, 2009 By
“What happens when you mix the most talked about singers in the nation with some of the most influential songs in the world?” You get the Pussycat Dolls. Am I right? Tonight, the Top 10 take on the music of Motown, which is a funny word if you stare at it long enough. Leave me alone, people. It’s late. This is American Idol. I play my bongos, listen to Odetta, and then I iron my hair, dig?
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American Idol Results: 11 Become 10
March 19, 2009 By
Last night was Country Night, and unless the show decides that opera, polka, or Muzak are suitable themes, we’ve managed to survive the worst genre night of the season. Well, we’ve mostly survived. Because one of these assholes is going home. The remaining 10 get to go on tour this summer. You decide which is the worse fate. This is American Idol. Dust? Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust? Anybody? No?
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American Idol: Top 11: Burn After Singing
March 18, 2009 By
Welcome to the shortest recap ever. The reason: It’s Country Night. The mentor: Randy Travis. The boredom: Excessive. This is American Idol. Nobody calls me ‘Mad Dog.’ Especially not some duded-up, egg-suckin’ gutter trash.
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American Idol Results: 13 Become 11
March 12, 2009 By
“The next hour will change the lives of these 13 people.” Not counting the 11 of them who aren’t going home. “Which two people got the lowest number of votes?” I don’t know, but Danny Gokey has nothing to worry about. “And what is this new rule all about?” It’s about putting more of a fix on this game, that’s what. This is American Idol. Give me librium or give me meth.
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American Idol: Top 13: They’re Bad, You Know It
March 11, 2009 By
Tonight, the competition phase of the show begins, as contestants perform, viewers vote, and the unpopular people go home. This is not to be confused with the earlier competition phase in which the exact same thing happened. Because this is totally different. That part had, like, 36 contestants. This part has 13. See? I told you it was different! This is American Idol. I don’t wanna be a donkey! Let me outta here!
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American Idol: Wild Card Round: Stacked Deck
March 7, 2009 By
The eight Wild Card singers stand on stage, all eager and full of hope. As if the judges haven’t already decided which of them will move forward to the Top 12. As if anything they do tonight will make a hoot of difference. Ricky Braddy can pull a leprechaun out of his ass and sing “Ebony and Ivory” while balancing Ryan Seacrest on the tip of his nose. It won’t matter. The case is closed. But let’s indulge everyone, shall we? This is American Idol. You got to know when to hold ’em. Know when to fold ’em.
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