We’re at the point in the season where the auditions should be over, but they are sadly not. With this year’s parade of mediocrity, listening to the good singers is a chore and the misanthropes are surprisingly unsurprising. The judges comments merely echo the sound bites found on the video game version of the competition, with the guest judges being little more than props or eye candy, depending upon which side your bread is buttered. To paraphrase the Joker, this show needs an enema. But this is still American Idol. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Dallas: Ducks and Covers
January 28, 2010 By
American Idol L.A.: Rollin’ With The Holies
January 27, 2010 By
Did you know that Little Ryan has a big boy job doing a radio program? Well, the show needs to prove it, so we open on Seacrest in a studio, “broadcasting” into a mic. But the whole thing seems a tad bullshitty. The equipment looks all wrong. Ryan appears to be listening to an iPod. Also, he’s wearing a crisp white shirt and tie, and everybody knows that radio people work naked. This is American Idol. “Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Florida: Be Scurred…Be Very Scurred
January 21, 2010 By
Has this season started yet? Honestly. Everything we’ve seen so far feels like a poorly packaged clip reel, designed to generate interest in the show, but created by people who aren’t interested in the show. Everybody is going through the motions. Snarky judges. Lousy contestants. Good(ish) contestants. Ryan being short and adorable and useless and annoying, all at once. But it’s all lacking spirit. It’s as if Paula, along with her uppers, downers, body glitter, and Big Bag O’Crazy, took the show’s spark with her when she left for Whoville. Let’s hope it gets better at Hollywood, because another thirty-six episodes of this? Not at all sexy. This is American Idol. “Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Chicago Hopeless
January 20, 2010 By
Tonight’s auditions take place in Chicago, home of such things as the entire series of ER and that musical where Renée Zellweger looked fat and pasty. Apparently, it’s also the home of where people cuss like sailors and flip the finger to the camera. This is American Idol. “Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol season 9 recap guide
January 14, 2010 By
For another thankless year, Frank takes on the horror freak show that is American Idol. [Continue Reading…]
American Idol Atlanta: Where Are Your Pants?
January 14, 2010 By
Pop quiz. What city has this show visited five times and spawned such ungodly horrors as Fantasia Barrino, Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson? Hint: It’s the same place that birthed our own Ryan Seacrest. Hmm. Does Smurf Village count as a city? No? Then the answer is either Alabama, Narnia, or the 9th Circle of Hell. Atlanta?! What do you mean it’s Atlanta? The fictional setting of Designing Women is a real place? Screw this quiz. This is American Idol. “Oh, so they have internet on computers now!”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Boston: It Ain’t Just a Band
January 13, 2010 By
Hello, children! How’ve you been? Did you miss Our Dear Show? More importantly, did you miss me? So much has happened since we parted company after Season 8. Paula Abdul quit. Alexis Cohen died. Adam Lambert rubbed his crotch in some dude’s face. And Simon announced that after this season, he ain’t coming back no more. What’s worse? Ellen DeFucking DeGeneres is on her way to the judges chair. Let’s all just kill ourselves now, why don’t we? This is American Idol. “Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.”
TV show and episode guides
January 2, 2010 By
Superfun list of McAwesome Guides to TV shows.[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: The Big Ding-Dong
May 20, 2009 By
Flashbacks remind us that once upon a time, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen were two people nobody gave a shit about. In Olde Audition Tymes, Adam didn’t wear eyeliner, while Kris sported an ill-conceived cabbie hat. Then they got famous. Kris embraced the cuteness. Adam embraced the Maybelline. I embraced the idea of tonight being the final night of performances. This is American Idol. Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Results: 3 Become 2
May 14, 2009 By
Why in the name of Victor Von Doom is Ben Stiller on my TV? Worse, why is he talking to me? I know I’m not on medication and I gave up crack after that unfortunate Disney World incident. (The Pirates of the Caribbean are robots. Don’t try to have sex with them. It hurts.) Is this really happening? Where’s my show? Holy armpits, he’s doing some kind of promotional skit to push that museum movie on us. Now there’s a Saturday Night Live guy talking to me. And the fat kid from Superbad. And Agador Spartacus. I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. No means no! This is American Idol. Armand, why won’t you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?
[Continue Reading…]
Your #1 source for vomiting robot dinosaurs. Since 2005.
