This just in! Before the show, the Idol judges shockingly (!) stand around talking (!!), and Ryan is allowed into the control room to look at the monitors — but not to touch anything (it’s like Bring Your Child to Work Day, but with a much shorter child). Meanwhile, the contestants mill about on stage like half-wits, which is giving them 50% more brain-credit than they deserve. This is American Idol. “Pepperland is a tickle of joy on the belly of the universe. It must be scratched!”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Top 9: All You Need Is Love (and Caffeine)
April 6, 2010 By
American Idol Top 10: Rhythm & Blahs
March 30, 2010 By
Earthquake. The Towering Inferno. The Poseidon Adventure. 2012. Showgirls. Tonight disaster takes a new form, as Our Dear Show hits rock bottom (again). If you thought things couldn’t get any worse, you were wrong. Taylor Hicks? He was a blessing. Chris Sligh? A superstar. Comparatively, I mean. I haven’t lost my mind. This is American Idol. “Someone get me a fucking wiener before I die.”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Top 11: Results
March 25, 2010 By
Even this show is sick of itself. “ANOTHER IDOL MUST FALL.” That’s what it says, in big red letters, right there on my TV, in glorious high-def. Next week’s title card: “KILL US NOW. PLEASE.” They should just release a pack of wolves on the stage and whatever happens, happens. It can’t be any worse than what we’ve seen so far. This, I’m sorry to say, is American Idol. “I’m running a label here, Josephine!”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Top 11: Farty in the USA
March 24, 2010 By
Has there ever been a worse season of this show? Because this? This is like watching The Gong Show — except nobody gets gonged and the Unknown Comic doesn’t show up to tell poop jokes. We just have Ellen. Last week, the chick with the weird voice went home. Trixie something. I dunno. Now, 11 contestants are left standing. Can anything stop them? This is American Idol. “Make me a sergeant and charge the booze!”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol: Top 12 Results
March 17, 2010 By
The culling is well underway. Tonight, another dream is shattered as we go from 12 to 11 finalists. I’d be very comfortable dropping down to 5 or 6, but Fox, for some reason, feels differently. This is American Idol. The body count continues…
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Top 12: Everybody Must Get Stoned
March 16, 2010 By
I’m back! Did you miss me? Did you miss Our Dear Show?! If you only answered ‘yes’ to one of those questions, it better have been the first one, or I will come to your house and pinch your left tit — hard. Are we clear? So where have I been and what have I been up to? And what’s been happening on this damn stupid program? And why does it suck so much now? And how, exactly did Glee help ruin it? These answers and more after the jump. Because this, like it or not, is still American Idol.
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Hollywood: Oh, Mary!
February 12, 2010 By
Last night, the juicy (well…the somewhat damp) Hollywood Round got underway. Dozens of faces paraded across the stage, some of which we’d seen before (and had probably forgotten), but many of which were new (and were mostly forgettable). We were pleasantly surprised by people who brought their own guitars, Ellen wasn’t annoying, and new contestant Tim Urban gained himself a stalker. I’m not saying it’s me!! Tonight, it’s Group Night. Will there will be drama? Of course. Will there be suckage? Of course. This is American Idol. “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Hollywood: Acoustick It Up Your Arse
February 10, 2010 By
We’ve waited breathlessly for this moment. Well, maybe we weren’t breathless. And maybe we weren’t really waiting, so much as dreading. But Hollywood Week is upon us, along with a new permanent fourth judge to replace the dearly, departed, deranged, and daffy Miss Paula Abdul. Don’t know who the newbie is? Read a magazine, for crying out loud! I have a friend who doesn’t know who Lady Gaga is. There is no excuse for pop culture illiteracy. I don’t mind if you can’t read, but if you’ve never heard (or heard of) “Poker Face,” we’re gonna have a problem. This is American Idol. “Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Audition Finale: Pest in Show
February 4, 2010 By
At long last, we’ve reached the end of Season 9’s audition cycle. And what have we learned? That tragedy is more important than talent. That having a bad day at some point in your life is just as good as a tragedy. That Ryan Seacrest looks best when dressed as a lesbian. That if you get lippy, the judges will call security on your ass. That it doesn’t pay to be a redneck. And that the Top 12 might very well end up the dullest in this show’s history. Unless they’re cast from people we’ve never seen, which is quite likely. This is American Idol. “Please do not offer my god a peanut.”
[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Denver: Children of the Damned
February 3, 2010 By
Tonight’s audition episode takes place in Denver, best known to Idol viewers as The Place That Gave Us Daughtry. Personally, I pay no attention to where these people come from (or where they go, as long as they go quickly), but the show seems to put stock in such things. Barbarella Hufflepuff auditioned in Alaska. Lysterine O’Reilly auditioned in Hawaii. Isn’t that special?!? This is American Idol. “I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.”
[Continue Reading…]
Your #1 source for vomiting robot dinosaurs. Since 2005.
