Tonight, the competition phase of the show begins, as contestants perform, viewers vote, and the unpopular people go home. This is not to be confused with the earlier competition phase in which the exact same thing happened. Because this is totally different. That part had, like, 36 contestants. This part has 13. See? I told you it was different! This is American Idol. I don’t wanna be a donkey! Let me outta here!
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American Idol: Top 13: They’re Bad, You Know It
March 11, 2009 By
American Idol: Wild Card Round: Stacked Deck
March 7, 2009 By
The eight Wild Card singers stand on stage, all eager and full of hope. As if the judges haven’t already decided which of them will move forward to the Top 12. As if anything they do tonight will make a hoot of difference. Ricky Braddy can pull a leprechaun out of his ass and sing “Ebony and Ivory” while balancing Ryan Seacrest on the tip of his nose. It won’t matter. The case is closed. But let’s indulge everyone, shall we? This is American Idol. You got to know when to hold ’em. Know when to fold ’em.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: Results!
March 5, 2009 By
The potential Idols are lined up on stage, firing squad style. Lil’s face reveals nothing. The ABBA girl is in la-la land. Taylor whats-her-face is mentally rehearsing: “Do you want fries with that?” Alex the Wiseass Nerd is queasy. That blonde country girl totally thinks she’s making it. Blind Scott is like, “Oh, yeah, baby…” Gay Nate is about three seconds from projectile vomiting on the wee head of Mr. Seacrest. The others are like, whatever. Who is that girl there? Von Smith looks delicious. This is American Idol. Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: The Agnetha and the Ecstasy
March 4, 2009 By
“They’ve said goodbye to their families” (except for the spouses, parents, and siblings in the audience), “they’ve put their jobs on hold” (the drive-thru at Burger King can suffer the loss), “and they’ve abandoned their everyday lives” (until they’re sent home in shame). This is American Idol. Night is young and the music’s high.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: Results!
February 27, 2009 By
The second round of Semi-Finals struck last night like a bad case of the croup. We had a tone-deaf Never-Seen, a wannabe poseur-rocker, a dirty panhandler, and some sweaty old dude. And that just covers the judges. Tonight, another nine contestants go home. Three will stay. If I don’t already hate them, just give me a couple of weeks. Malice is best when left to simmer. This is American Idol. Nobody drink the beer! The beer has gone bad!
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: What is the Law?
February 26, 2009 By
“Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer, and a comedian?” Don’t miss Watchmen, in theaters March 6th! Seacrest is obviously talking about tonight’s batch of semi-finalists. Minus the obvious part. I mean, who the hell knows what these people do for a living? Most of them haven’t received more than five minutes of screen time since January. We barely know what they look like. This is American Idol. Reconstructing myself after the subtraction of my intrinsic field was the first trick I learned.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.1: Results!
February 19, 2009 By
Last night was the first round of Semi-Finals. Twelve people sang. Based on America’s votes, only three will survive tonight’s Results Show. “Is your favorite through? Take nothing for granted,” says Seacrest. Except that as far back as three weeks ago, thanks to this show’s endless pimping and shady “support,” we could have easily picked at least two of tonight’s three winners. But what do I know? I’m just some fool on the internet. This is American Idol. We can’t send people to inoperative rescue stations!
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.1: The Fix is On
February 18, 2009 By
Are you excited, people? Are you just about ready to burst? Couldn’t you just die, writhing with anticipation as 12 of the Top 36 take the stage tonight to actually sing? To frickin’ compete? And does it really matter that we don’t know who half of them are? And do you really care that the judges want Danny Gokey to win, anyway? I mean, really, who’s kidding who? Or whom? Which is it? This is American Idol. I’ve always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit you immensely.
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American Idol: Throne Under the Bus
February 12, 2009 By
After many weeks of singing in a desperate struggle for success and acceptance, it all comes down to this: the chance to sing in a desperate struggle for success and acceptance for many weeks. I thought it was just goldfish that did the same thing over and over because of their short memories and low intelligence. This, however, is American Idol. And knowing is half the battle.
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American Idol Hollywood: A Room with a Poo
February 11, 2009 By
Hollywood Round continues, and as Semi-Finals approach we’re down to 72 lukewarm bodies. Some people, an actual few, are finally starting to become recognizable. That’s a good start. But I still think they should wear the same clothes every episode, like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, just to make the experience easier for me. Tonight, the survivors sing yet again, with backup vocalists and, if they chose, performing their own musical instruments. Then the judges will then make their final cut. Until tomorrow, when they make their final final cut. This is American Idol. Zoinks!
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