We’ve waited breathlessly for this moment. Well, maybe we weren’t breathless. And maybe we weren’t really waiting, so much as dreading. But Hollywood Week is upon us, along with a new permanent fourth judge to replace the dearly, departed, deranged, and daffy Miss Paula Abdul. Don’t know who the newbie is? Read a magazine, for crying out loud! I have a friend who doesn’t know who Lady Gaga is. There is no excuse for pop culture illiteracy. I don’t mind if you can’t read, but if you’ve never heard (or heard of) “Poker Face,” we’re gonna have a problem. This is American Idol. “Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”
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American Idol Hollywood: Acoustick It Up Your Arse
February 10, 2010 By
American Idol Audition Finale: Pest in Show
February 4, 2010 By
At long last, we’ve reached the end of Season 9’s audition cycle. And what have we learned? That tragedy is more important than talent. That having a bad day at some point in your life is just as good as a tragedy. That Ryan Seacrest looks best when dressed as a lesbian. That if you get lippy, the judges will call security on your ass. That it doesn’t pay to be a redneck. And that the Top 12 might very well end up the dullest in this show’s history. Unless they’re cast from people we’ve never seen, which is quite likely. This is American Idol. “Please do not offer my god a peanut.”
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American Idol Dallas: Ducks and Covers
January 28, 2010 By
We’re at the point in the season where the auditions should be over, but they are sadly not. With this year’s parade of mediocrity, listening to the good singers is a chore and the misanthropes are surprisingly unsurprising. The judges comments merely echo the sound bites found on the video game version of the competition, with the guest judges being little more than props or eye candy, depending upon which side your bread is buttered. To paraphrase the Joker, this show needs an enema. But this is still American Idol. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”
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American Idol L.A.: Rollin’ With The Holies
January 27, 2010 By
Did you know that Little Ryan has a big boy job doing a radio program? Well, the show needs to prove it, so we open on Seacrest in a studio, “broadcasting” into a mic. But the whole thing seems a tad bullshitty. The equipment looks all wrong. Ryan appears to be listening to an iPod. Also, he’s wearing a crisp white shirt and tie, and everybody knows that radio people work naked. This is American Idol. “Loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
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American Idol Florida: Be Scurred…Be Very Scurred
January 21, 2010 By
Has this season started yet? Honestly. Everything we’ve seen so far feels like a poorly packaged clip reel, designed to generate interest in the show, but created by people who aren’t interested in the show. Everybody is going through the motions. Snarky judges. Lousy contestants. Good(ish) contestants. Ryan being short and adorable and useless and annoying, all at once. But it’s all lacking spirit. It’s as if Paula, along with her uppers, downers, body glitter, and Big Bag O’Crazy, took the show’s spark with her when she left for Whoville. Let’s hope it gets better at Hollywood, because another thirty-six episodes of this? Not at all sexy. This is American Idol. “Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!”
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American Idol: Chicago Hopeless
January 20, 2010 By
Tonight’s auditions take place in Chicago, home of such things as the entire series of ER and that musical where Renée Zellweger looked fat and pasty. Apparently, it’s also the home of where people cuss like sailors and flip the finger to the camera. This is American Idol. “Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!”
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American Idol season 9 recap guide
January 14, 2010 By
For another thankless year, Frank takes on the horror freak show that is American Idol. [Continue Reading…]
American Idol Atlanta: Where Are Your Pants?
January 14, 2010 By
Pop quiz. What city has this show visited five times and spawned such ungodly horrors as Fantasia Barrino, Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson? Hint: It’s the same place that birthed our own Ryan Seacrest. Hmm. Does Smurf Village count as a city? No? Then the answer is either Alabama, Narnia, or the 9th Circle of Hell. Atlanta?! What do you mean it’s Atlanta? The fictional setting of Designing Women is a real place? Screw this quiz. This is American Idol. “Oh, so they have internet on computers now!”
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American Idol Boston: It Ain’t Just a Band
January 13, 2010 By
Hello, children! How’ve you been? Did you miss Our Dear Show? More importantly, did you miss me? So much has happened since we parted company after Season 8. Paula Abdul quit. Alexis Cohen died. Adam Lambert rubbed his crotch in some dude’s face. And Simon announced that after this season, he ain’t coming back no more. What’s worse? Ellen DeFucking DeGeneres is on her way to the judges chair. Let’s all just kill ourselves now, why don’t we? This is American Idol. “Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.”
TV show and episode guides
January 2, 2010 By
Superfun list of McAwesome Guides to TV shows.[Continue Reading…]
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