Last night, the contestants performed a series of Elvis classics because they wanted us to know, in case there was any doubt, that although they’re certainly more interesting than watching paint dry, they’re far less interesting than inhaling the fumes of said paint. Because at least, in that case, you might hallucinate a unicorn or a magical fairy. In reality, we just got Adam Lambert. Close enough? Maybe. This is American Idol. “Darling, I can tell you now…your father went through life with an open fly.”
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American Idol Top 9: Results (For Real!)
April 16, 2010 By
American Idol Top 9 Redux: A Queen Trumps the King
April 14, 2010 By
Elvis has been dead for 32 years, but tonight, with the help of Adam Lambert, Our Dear Show is going to dig up his grave and remind us that its not the songs that make the star, it’s the singer singing them. The perk: after this week’s performances, two contestants will be sent packing. I, for one, would like more perks of this nature. This is American Idol. “There’s four letters in my name, Rod. How can there be enough room on your joint for four letters?”
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American Idol Top 9: Results
April 8, 2010 By
On Tuesday, the contestants performed songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Yoko may have broken up the Beatles, but it took this show to destroy them. And in the end, the love you take…is equal to the number of white Hanes t-shirts in Simon’s closet. In a mere fifty-nine wasted minutes, one of these suckers is going home. Or are they…? This is American Idol. “He’s very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend.”
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American Idol Top 9: All You Need Is Love (and Caffeine)
April 6, 2010 By
This just in! Before the show, the Idol judges shockingly (!) stand around talking (!!), and Ryan is allowed into the control room to look at the monitors — but not to touch anything (it’s like Bring Your Child to Work Day, but with a much shorter child). Meanwhile, the contestants mill about on stage like half-wits, which is giving them 50% more brain-credit than they deserve. This is American Idol. “Pepperland is a tickle of joy on the belly of the universe. It must be scratched!”
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American Idol Top 10: Results
March 31, 2010 By
Last night, the ten remaining contestants (mostly) snoozed and/or screeched their way through a series of R&B/soul hits — after being mentored by the “artist” known as Usher, who was hired because Sisqó was too busy. Tonight, another lukewarm body goes home to fade into delicious obscurity. This is American Idol. “Jimmy want a rib! Jimmy want a steak! Jimmy want a piece of yo chocolate cake!”
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American Idol Top 10: Rhythm & Blahs
March 30, 2010 By
Earthquake. The Towering Inferno. The Poseidon Adventure. 2012. Showgirls. Tonight disaster takes a new form, as Our Dear Show hits rock bottom (again). If you thought things couldn’t get any worse, you were wrong. Taylor Hicks? He was a blessing. Chris Sligh? A superstar. Comparatively, I mean. I haven’t lost my mind. This is American Idol. “Someone get me a fucking wiener before I die.”
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American Idol Top 11: Results
March 25, 2010 By
Even this show is sick of itself. “ANOTHER IDOL MUST FALL.” That’s what it says, in big red letters, right there on my TV, in glorious high-def. Next week’s title card: “KILL US NOW. PLEASE.” They should just release a pack of wolves on the stage and whatever happens, happens. It can’t be any worse than what we’ve seen so far. This, I’m sorry to say, is American Idol. “I’m running a label here, Josephine!”
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American Idol Top 11: Farty in the USA
March 24, 2010 By
Has there ever been a worse season of this show? Because this? This is like watching The Gong Show — except nobody gets gonged and the Unknown Comic doesn’t show up to tell poop jokes. We just have Ellen. Last week, the chick with the weird voice went home. Trixie something. I dunno. Now, 11 contestants are left standing. Can anything stop them? This is American Idol. “Make me a sergeant and charge the booze!”
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American Idol: Top 12 Results
March 17, 2010 By
The culling is well underway. Tonight, another dream is shattered as we go from 12 to 11 finalists. I’d be very comfortable dropping down to 5 or 6, but Fox, for some reason, feels differently. This is American Idol. The body count continues…
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American Idol Top 12: Everybody Must Get Stoned
March 16, 2010 By
I’m back! Did you miss me? Did you miss Our Dear Show?! If you only answered ‘yes’ to one of those questions, it better have been the first one, or I will come to your house and pinch your left tit — hard. Are we clear? So where have I been and what have I been up to? And what’s been happening on this damn stupid program? And why does it suck so much now? And how, exactly did Glee help ruin it? These answers and more after the jump. Because this, like it or not, is still American Idol.
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