In 1978, I saw Saturday Night Fever. It was my first R-rated movie. My aunt took me to see it, and I think she was a little mortified because half of what went on in that film was not fit for an 11-year-old’s eyes. But I had to see it! All the other kids went months ago! And Vinnie Barbarino was in it! I remember being bored most of the time, though. I just wanted to see some dancing. The point of this tale is that tonight is “Disco Night.” And I was bored most of the time, and just wanted to see some dancing. This is American Idol. You know, Connie, if you’re as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, then you’re one lousy fuck.
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American Idol: Disco Piano Bar from Hell
April 22, 2009 By
American Idol: Hurls on Film
April 15, 2009 By
“They’ve dominated the small screen for the past six weeks,” says wee Ryan. Our boy needs to buy a new calendar, because this crap has been going on since January. “Tonight, our Top 7 takes on music from the movies.” To underscore this theme–and to make me lose my dinner all over the coffee table–Quentin Tarantino appears out of the darkness, looking like a clammy, bloated sweat gland. Oh Christ, he’s pointing at me. My eyes!! This is American Idol. I am gonna ask you questions. And every time you don’t give me answers, I’m gonna cut something off. And I promise you they will be things you will miss.
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American Idol: Tears for Years
April 8, 2009 By
Wow. This season is just flying by, isn’t it? Last week, we lost what’s-her-face, with the tattoos and the voice and shimmy-shimmy. Now we’re left with eight individuals with the potential to become stars, but who, in all likelihood, with just be known as “that one who was on that show, I think.” This is American Idol. The problem with your daughter is not her bed. It’s her brain.
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American Idol: Like Nine Peas in an iPod
April 1, 2009 By
Tonight, the producers make a half-assed attempt at being musically current. Of course the Idols will mess it up by exhuming the graves of long-dead songs and turning them into boring, unrecognizable trash. But what do you expect? This, after all, is American Idol. Camarooooon!!
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American Idol Results: 10 Become 9
March 27, 2009 By
Hey, where are my Idols, looking worried and/or cocky as Seacrest starts the show? This episode begins with recap clips of last night. No sign of the gang. Lazy producers. Here’s what you missed: Smokey Robinson glared at us with demon-eyes, Paula wore a tutu, Randy continued to be parody of himself, and Simon kept it real. Also, Kara was present. Mostly, a bunch of soon-to-be-forgotten people sang the hits of Motown. This is American Idol. Why don’t you dance with me? I’m not no limburger.
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American Idol: Top 10: Mo is Less
March 26, 2009 By
“What happens when you mix the most talked about singers in the nation with some of the most influential songs in the world?” You get the Pussycat Dolls. Am I right? Tonight, the Top 10 take on the music of Motown, which is a funny word if you stare at it long enough. Leave me alone, people. It’s late. This is American Idol. I play my bongos, listen to Odetta, and then I iron my hair, dig?
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American Idol: Top 13: They’re Bad, You Know It
March 11, 2009 By
Tonight, the competition phase of the show begins, as contestants perform, viewers vote, and the unpopular people go home. This is not to be confused with the earlier competition phase in which the exact same thing happened. Because this is totally different. That part had, like, 36 contestants. This part has 13. See? I told you it was different! This is American Idol. I don’t wanna be a donkey! Let me outta here!
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American Idol: Wild Card Round: Stacked Deck
March 7, 2009 By
The eight Wild Card singers stand on stage, all eager and full of hope. As if the judges haven’t already decided which of them will move forward to the Top 12. As if anything they do tonight will make a hoot of difference. Ricky Braddy can pull a leprechaun out of his ass and sing “Ebony and Ivory” while balancing Ryan Seacrest on the tip of his nose. It won’t matter. The case is closed. But let’s indulge everyone, shall we? This is American Idol. You got to know when to hold ’em. Know when to fold ’em.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.3: The Agnetha and the Ecstasy
March 4, 2009 By
“They’ve said goodbye to their families” (except for the spouses, parents, and siblings in the audience), “they’ve put their jobs on hold” (the drive-thru at Burger King can suffer the loss), “and they’ve abandoned their everyday lives” (until they’re sent home in shame). This is American Idol. Night is young and the music’s high.
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American Idol: Semi-Finals.2: What is the Law?
February 26, 2009 By
“Where else can you find a welder, a bartender, a font designer, and a comedian?” Don’t miss Watchmen, in theaters March 6th! Seacrest is obviously talking about tonight’s batch of semi-finalists. Minus the obvious part. I mean, who the hell knows what these people do for a living? Most of them haven’t received more than five minutes of screen time since January. We barely know what they look like. This is American Idol. Reconstructing myself after the subtraction of my intrinsic field was the first trick I learned.
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