Like a plague of locusts, the Golden Ticket-holders descend upon Hollywood, California. Their goal: to suck our souls dry with their singing and their boringness and their yuck. What a non-starter crowd we have this year. A whole lot of nothing that adds up to zero. Sure, the freaks are gone — mostly — but they’ve been replaced by human static. White noise made flesh. I almost long for the days of Sanjaya Malakar and Matt Rogers. This is American Idol. It wants no straps.
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American Idol Hollywood: Eye of the Liger
February 5, 2009 By
American Idol NY & PR: You Wanna Go? Go Cool!
February 2, 2009 By
To make my life a misery, they’ve added a “bonus” audition episode to the weekly rotation. Thanks, Fox! This one contains footage from two cities: New York and Puerto Rico. Ryan, who as we all know, loves his Broadway, gets all giddy talking about West Side Story, a play (then a movie), which ironically features two things: New York and Puerto Ricans. But don’t try singing a show tune during your audition, because Simon will put you out on your ass. This is American Idol. How many bullets are left, Chino?
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American Idol Utah: Yo! Flip-Flops are Cheap!
January 30, 2009 By
Tonight’s show takes place in Salt Lake City, Utah, home of David Archuleta, who failed to win last season’s competition, shaming himself and his father forever. Seacrest wonders if the people of Salt Lake will be as clean cut and kind as Little David. Sure, and they’ll also sing in a breathy voice and lick their lips a lot while wearing ugly print shirts from the KMart collection. Homogenization, thy name is American Idol. Hulk smash!
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American Idol Florida: Randy Jackson is a Douchebag
January 28, 2009 By
We open this episode with Ryan and Simon sitting cozily in the back seat of a car (probably not for the first time). They’re driving through Florida, looking for Swamp Thing or whatever, and Simon gives Ryan crap for talking funny. I don’t know what he’s on about. I think Simon just said it to start a fight so they can have makeup sex before the show. They bicker adorably, but before any lip-lockage happens, we go to credits. Sometimes TV is about what you don’t see, get it? This is American Idol. Buckle up, it’s the law.
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American Idol Kentucky: That’s MY Cup!
January 24, 2009 By
Tonight’s show takes place at Churchill Downs, in Louisville, Kentucky, where short men—men shorter than Ryan, if you can believe such creatures exist—race horses around a track by striking them repeatedly with bendy sticks. Somehow that’s okay. But try punching a horse in the eye, especially when it’s drunk and saying mean things about your grandmother, and the next thing you know, PETA is all up in your grill. Our society is one complicated bitch. This is American Idol. The safe word is “hippopotamus.”
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American Idol San Francisco: It’s All in the Cartlidges
January 21, 2009 By
San Francisco, at various times, has been a haven for the free-spirited, the literally and figuratively gay, and the dirty hippies. It has been immortalized in song by both Tony Bennett and the Village People. And it has a bridge that figured prominently in the poster for Star Trek IV. That’s the funny one, with the whales. Now it’s being invaded by wannabe superstars and semi-talented oddballs. This is American Idol. Block this application.
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American Idol season 8 recap guide
January 16, 2009 By
We are grateful to Frank. He watches Idol so we don’t have to. [Continue Reading…]
American Idol Kansas City: Naptime for Crackhead
January 16, 2009 By
Last year, after 97 million votes were cast, David Cook became the winner of this dumb show. Now, we’re going back to his hometown of Kansas City for a round of auditions. If the location is somehow relevant, I’m not seeing it. Because, despite the dubious talents of Mr. Cook, this episode is full of the usual kooks, loons, and misanthropes. Welcome to the K.C., bitch. This is American Idol[Continue Reading…]
American Idol Atlanta: Don’t Kiss the Seacrest!
January 14, 2009 By
It’s that time of year, folks. There’s a chill in the air, W2 forms are in the mail, and despite New Year’s Resolutions to the contrary, we’re back on the couch, watching American Idol.
Your #1 source for vomiting robot dinosaurs. Since 2005.
