First time here?

First time visiting? Right. So. The first thing we need is all your cash. After you’ve handed over all your cash and credit cards and deeds, titles, etc. and amended your will appropriately, then let us say, “Welcome aboard.”

If you want to hit the highlights of the site, check out The War on the Floor, my epic tale about the action figures I grew up with. In humble ode, I pit them against each other in mortal combat. With pictures!

Ha haaaa! Has the hilarity ensued yet? No? For an even stranger brand of comedy, check out the time I ran for Pope. Not only do I have the pictures and funny words to tell the tale, I also have full motion video.

Hrm, I seem to have confused and/or offended you. Well, do you like breakfast cereal? I do. We started celebrating Cereal Awareness Month annually in April 2006.

Huh? What do you mean you don’t like cereal that much? You, dear reader, are an ornery customer. You must watch TV, right? Or else you’re not much of a corporate slave.

What else is there to say? Let’s wrap up our tour then, shall we? The Dave section is where Dave deposits his columns. Some people think he’s funny. Others just hit the “back” button. We have a Toy of the Week feature that occasionally runs weekly. We list past highlights in our Best of area. There’s even a half-assed store for our t-shirts, McAwesome University degrees and other weird junk.

This site is over 5 years old and, for the first 4 years, I hand coded every frickin page. Those pages are still there on the old home page. The design of the old pages looks vastly different from these so try not to panic if you find one of those dark, black pages of doom.

Still confused? Help is on the way. Ask whatever you’d like in our forum. You can even participate in our thought-provoking conversations on…um…well, you can participate in our conversations.

Oh, and of course read up on the About page for the FAQ and tidbits about what makes this site tick. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. No matter. Off you go.