Top Four: Results Show (5/9)

Four become three.

by Frank Pittarese

"Picture the eyes of the country watching your every move." Yeah, that's hot. "Consider singing live to over 30 million people." I won't consider less than 40. "Imagine being cut after getting this close." As long as it's not in the face. "It's happening to someone tonight. This is American Idol."

The final four sit on a couch as Seacrest promises all sorts of junk: a performance from Barry Gibb, another from Pink, a Fantastic Four preview. An hour is a long time, folks.

Greetings to the judges, where Paula complains about Simon raving about Jessica Alba being hot. "Is she here?" Simon wants to know. Well, yes and no. You'll see.

Flashback. Barry Gibb showed up, looking like he needed a cup of blood. The kids were singing his songs. Or Bee Gees songs. Or something. Blake took his beatboxing talent and beat us over the head with it, infusing both of his two performances with a dose of his particular brand of lip service. If that's your thing, I'm happy for you. The judges and I thought it was poo. LaKisha threatened to kill us all with her version of Staying Alive, but softened up for her second song, Run to Me, which was was too boring to involve running. It was more like, Walk Casually to Me and Get Here When You Can, No Rush. Jordin impressed the dentures out of Barry's face, and did a great job with both of her songs, including Woman in Love, which the judges did not love, but they're full of shit. Melinda was Melinda, which seemed to bother Paula, who wanted Melinda to be Siegfried and Roy.

Seacrest-on-the-Street. Once again, Ryan has escaped his keepers and is roaming the Farmer's Market, accosting middle-aged and elderly people who don't watch the show, but will gladly speak of it to be on TV. An old woman says of Barry Gibb, "What a sweatheart!" I guess he sends her Christmas cards or something. Ryan makes her do the Saturday Night Fever dance, the one with the stupid pointing at the sky. The exertion causes a stroke, so he leaves her there to die. Next up, Seacrest asks a female stranger, "How deep is your love?" She says, "Very deep," then charges him 50 dollars for her time. Behind them, a creepy old guy with a bad toupee and a fanny pack creeps into the frame. I think he wants him some Ryan pie. A woman and her mom listen to Seacrest prattle on about all the famous people the Idols have met. Then the mom adds that they've also met "Bryan Seacrest." Another woman says LaKisha gives her "goosebumples." Realizing senior citizens might not be the best subjects for these interviews, Ryan finds himself younger targets: two preschool kids. Brilliant! He asks them who they think will win. The little girl answers, "The Lakers."

Idol on Tour is coming. Performers include Melinda, Sanjaya, Gina, Chris frickin' Sligh, Haley Scarnato and her ass, LaKisha, Chris Richardson, Jordin, Blake, and Phil, if the Navy lets him go. Tickets cost 800 dollars and go on sale soon.

Performance. Pink appears live, by which I mean pre-taped, to sing Who Knew. True story: she was originally going to sing a song about masturbation. Pink looks stoned out of her mind, and isn't really big on the whole enunciation thing, but overall, this is good. Afterwards, Seacrest acts like she sang the song live, even though he and the Idols, seated on the couch, don't appear in the wide shots. He looks to the left, "Thanks, Pink!" She looks to the right--at nobody--and nods, like, "Duuude, I got the munchies!" Fake-ity-fake.

Ford Ad. Set to the tune of You Really Got Me, by the Kinks. The four well-dressed Idols approach Corleone Junior High from Everybody Hates Chris. A huge mob of kids rushes out of the school and chases them through the streets. It's like A Hard Day's Night meets 28 Days Later. Chasing and running, running and chasing. Hiding behind newspapers while the zombies run past. The girls jump into a Ford, but Blake is too slow. They peel off, leaving him behind. You have to run if you want to live! Blake gives chase, as the zombies gain on him. In the nick of time, he catches up to the car and jumps in. The zombies will not feast today.

Group sing! Melinda starts things off with Emotion, as the others sing backup, then they all join in to segue into Too Much Heaven. Somebody is off key here. LaKisha? I can't tell. Guilty is next, which really should have been a duet with Blake and Jordin. People, LaKisha's mic is totally turned off right now. As the others sing "I can see," LaKisha is singing, "Eyes can wee." Hee! My eyes wee everytime I yawn. They switch her mic back on for her solo bit, but jeez, LaKisha is unconscious half the time. The gang splits into pairs for Islands in the Stream, and Blake and Jordin (see!) have fun, bopping back and forth during their part, but LaKisha and Melinda sing solo together. Blake takes the lead on some song I've never heard. Why must he be the way he is? It's a small mess. Things come back to life for the crazy-catchy Chain Reaction, and I suddenly realize that I love about 90% of Barry Gibb's music and own exactly none of it. As the audience applauds, a little boy holds up a sign reading "BLAKE MAKES MY KNEES SHAKE." I'm sure he'll have no trouble whatsoever when he's at school tomorrow.

Movie promotion. The kids got to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer this week. I'm jealous, but I'll get over it. Clips include Jessica Alba in a ridiculous wig, the Silver Surfer looking badass, and Johnny Storm getting the Thing's powers. It's all in the trailer, if you wanna go see. The Idols react to the movie with polite enjoyment, but based on what comes next, I'm not too worried about their thoughts. Standing in a row and wearing cheesy Idol/FF jackets, they proclaim themselves to be the stars of the next FF movie. "I'm gonna be Johnny Torch," says Blake. Johnny Torch? You're dead to me, Blake. LaKisha says she's "gonna be sexy arrrgghh," and makes a hand gesture like the Invisible Woman raising a force field. Melinda is like, what the hell was that? LaKisha answers, "Y'know, the lady that was all like, arrgggh," and she makes the gesture again. You just saw the movie, dumb ass. The woman who turns invisible? That's the Invisible Woman. Invisible Girl is also acceptable. Or Sue, if you must. Dumb. Ass. Then they all strike a pose like morons.

Back live, Seacrest stands in the aisle next to the FF cast. There's Michael Chiklis, Chris Evan, an empty chair, and Ioan Gruffudd. An empty chair? That must be "sexy arrgghh." Sure enough, Jessica Alba steps out from behind Seacrest. Ha ha. She was only pretending to be invisible. What a prankster. Seacrest hands her the mic, which she keeps as she sits down and blathers on about how awesome the movie is and how we should see it twice. A matinee here costs $8.50, so unless Chris Evans shows us his secret flame, I'm only buying one ticket. Seacrest gets twitchy about Jessica trying to commandeer his show, and he's all, "My mic! My mic! Results! Bzzt! Red alert! Bzzt! Red alert!"

Filler. A short time ago, the four Idols were children; actual, tiny people who believed in Santa Claus and shat their diapers. We see old photos of the gang, and it's totally a Muppet Babies thing, where they all have the same heads but on toddler bodies. They all talk about their family life. Some have single moms, most are only children, and none have criminal records that were sealed by the courts--that we know of. Being here is a lifelong dream and yadda, yadda, boopy-doop.

Results! The Idols are in a group hug, which they refuse break--or maybe they're just stuck in LaKisha's armpits. Seacrest is thrown off balance by this, but forges ahead because he is a slave to the clock. After a nationwide vote...Jordin is safe.

Performance. Barry Gibb comes out and sings To Love Somebody in a herky-jerky falsetto. He's wearing a sheer shirt, and all of America can see his dirty pillows. I fast-forward before I'm blinded by his teats.

Results! LaKisha, Melinda, and Blake await their fate. Melinda is safe.

Elimination time. LaKisha and Blake remain. Randy can't predict who will go home. Simon flat out says it will be LaKisha. He got his kiss and now he's done with her. Paula says she's enjoyed all their performances, good and bad. So, after the vote (over 45 million of them), "Blake...you are safe." LaKisha begone!

Flashback. LaKisha's Greatest Hits. Singing from Dreamgirls at auditions, and then again in the Top 20. Belting her lungs out. Joyful jumping with Hollywood ticket in hand. Hugging the daughter. Crying over the daughter. Slow-mo kissing Cowell. Hugging the mentors. "I'm glad people believed in me enough to think that I could be here." But they don't believe in you anymore, dear.

LaKisha cries. Seacrest comforts. Next week, the top three sing...something. Plus, they get to visit their hometowns and get parades thrown in their honor. That's the best thing about being on this show. Getting a parade is better than a recording contract. For now, LaKisha Jones sings us out with Staying Alive, which she isn't.

Just before my DVR cuts off, the head of Chris Richardson pops up on my screen, mugshot-style. "It's 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?" Um...in your basement?

Creepy!
--Frank