Top Four: Bee Gees Night (5/8)

Saturday lite fever.

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest greets us from out in the audience. He's a man of the people. Just plain folks. But don't touch him, or the security staff will hurt you. "Thirty million Americans are deciding their fate." Of course, he's referring to our final Not-Quite-Fantastic Four. They're up on stage right now: Jordin 'Glamazon' Sparks, Melinda 'Dyna-Mite' Doolittle, LaKisha 'She-Snooze' Jones, and Blake 'BeatBoy' Lewis. "With just two weeks left, who's headed to the finale?" Is it too late to vote for Nadia Turner? Okay, then. Elliott Yamine? Damn. "This is American Idol."

Roll credits. Hey, remember when Idol Gives Back happened, two weeks...possibly two years ago? Feels like forever. Well, one of my rants, at the time, was about how News Corp was donating five million dollars to The Cause, but Fox wasn't donating anything. Silly me. Turns out News Corp is Fox. So they're not at cheap as I thought -- but since this show must pull in at least twenty million an hour, I can comfortably call them miserly. Way to go "News Corp."

Tonight is Bee Gees Night on Idol, or, technically, Barry Gibb Night. Some people seem to think that equates to Disco Night, would have been better, if only to see how LaKisha could make I Will Survive boring, or to hear Melinda tear up the stage with No More Tears. Barry...the Bee Gees...they're sort of all over the place, content-wise. That's good if you know something about their music--it's easy to find something to suit your voice--but these contestants are either 12-years-old, ignorant, or both. They're gonna sing what they're gonna sing, and it's gonna be not so good. But why get ahead of myself?

Clip Reel of the Bee Gees. Or Barry Gibb. Once upon a time, there were three little girls who went to the police academy. Except they were brothers and they recorded music. The Brothers Gibb, or the Bee Gees, as they came to be known, had a lot of pop hits back in the Stone Age. Nobody cares about those songs, because they weren't on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. That soundtrack? Huge. I had it on 8-track when I was a boy. 8-tracks were awesome, because the tracks would change in the middle of a song. It would be like, "You should be danCLICK-CLICKcing, yeah!" We all acted like the clicks weren't there because it was the '70s, and technology hadn't spoiled us yet. Also, everyone over 16 was high on the weed. So yeah, the Bee Gees. Three British brothers. Many hits. Associated with the Disco Era. Barry Gibb wrote and produced a lot of music for other folks, including Miss Ross, Celine, and Babs.

An old "music video" of Barry and the Bee Gees singing How Deep is Your Love dissolves into the present, as Barry sings the song with the Idols in their rehearsal space. What happened to Barry? Dude looks like he was in a fire. Or perhaps mummified. Also, is he wearing dentures? And why does he sound like Sean Connery?

Barry likes the top four, saying he's "made a lot of records with ladies," which is a fine way to talk about his brothers. These four are "the perfect scenario" for him, since it's three girls and Blake, which...yeah...four girls. Barry tells the gang about harmonizing with his brothers and how great it was, till Robin Gibb died and then, whoops, no more harmonizing. Well, they could always call Andy but, whoops, he's dead, too. So now Barry takes his harmonizing where he finds it, and if it means singing with these fools, so be it.

By the way, each contestant sings twice tonight. That's eight songs. Sanjaya may be gone, but we're not getting off easy.

Melinda Doolittle will sing Love You Inside Out, which confuses Barry because it's a falsetto song. Quick, name one Bee Gees song that isn't falsetto. Case closed! Barry grooves on Melinda's rehearsal, as she expresses concern about turning a group song into a solo.

The first time I saw this performance, I thought it was just okay. Melinda sorta low-balls it, and it's not as energetic as it could be. It was almost Broadway-like. But after watching the whole show, I can say it's one of the highlights of the night.

Judges. Randy says it was solid. Paula, making sense for the second time this season, says that Melinda's vocals are consistently great, so the bigger issue she has to face, moving forward, is figuring out a way to bring something more to her performances. With four people left in the competition, Simon expected something incredible. "That was more of a backing vocalist's performance." It was wedding-singerish, at the very least. "You are better than that."

Blake Lewis will sing You Should Be Dancing. He says he's happy to meet "one of the pioneers of dance music" and then beatboxes in the face of said pioneer. Barry, instead of tossing Blake out on his hipster arse, says he likes the beatboxing and that "it really suits the song." You know what else suits the song? Actually singing it.

On stage, Blake starts the song off the beat, so right away there's a disconnect where I'm like "What? Oh!" They've given him some major echo effect, which is a slight cheat, but without it...I can't even imagine. He falsettos all over the joint. I'm not a fan of the falsetto. It's why I don't enjoy a lot of Prince's music. I like it when boys sing like boys. Call me crazy. In between the castrated vocals, he beatboxes irritatingly. What happened to the Blake I fell in love with? The one who sang Somewhere Only We Know directly to me from inside my TV set. This one is like a bad re-cast. More beatboxing. Scatting. I hated this performance. And the blond streak in Blake's still-dark hairy makes him look like a pudgy skunk.

Judges. Randy says the song "didn't need none a'that" beatboxing. He calls it corny and says it was "like being in some weird discotheque in a foreign country." Yes, the country of Stinkistan. Paula says it started shaky and Blake's pitch was off, but says he shows "true musicianship" with his noise-makings. Simon thought it was absolutely terrible.

LaKisha Jones has chosen to sing Staying Alive. Barry says it's tricky for a girl to sing a song that was originally sung by a guy in falsetto. That doesn't make sense to me, but it's his damn song and I'm too tired to argue. He demonstrates the falsetto for LaKisha, who, judging by her vacant expression, is absorbing none of it.

The arrangement on the performance is funky, which has potential, but LaKisha sings the song like she's going to kill somebody. It's a nice change of pace from her usual arm-waving, but I miss most of it because I'm hiding behind my couch. Please don't hurt me, LaKisha, I'll be good!

Judges. Randy says it was weird and "wasn't working." Paula says that bringing the tempo down brought the mood down, and if Paula doesn't have something nice to say, you're fucked. "No kiss tonight, baby!" says Simon. He calls her performance scary. Last week's kiss was scarier, but he's still correct.

Interview segment. Hey, Jordin, what's with the photos of you, Randy, and Simon taken three years ago? Did you know them before the show? Also, what's up with the Christian, pro-life thing? Okay, that's not what Seacrest asks her, but if the latest buzz is any indication, Jordin might have some s'plainin' to do next week, at least regarding her possibly meeting/knowing the judges prior to her audition. I love this show, and I dig Jordin (well, at least till the Christian thing kicked in), but if we can get some Quiz Show action here, I'd be much obliged. Jordin's real question: What have you learned about yourself during the Idol process? Jordin learned that she can handle a lot of stuff at once.

Jordin Sparks will sing To Love Somebody, which is not a disco song. Barry has trouble imagining a girl singing the song, which was written for a guy to sing. I don't see the problem, it's not like she's singing Big Balls. "I know a couple of hundred people have sung this song," Barry says, "but I haven't heard a greater version than Jordin's."

Jordin's performance is very subtle. Her voice is lovely and controlled. On stage, she's relaxed and professional. The backup singers overwhelm her at times, but that's some dude's job, to adjust a knob somewhere, and he screws it up every week. Jordin is relaxed; a joy to hear. Except for the part where she might be a plant.

Judges. Randy liked the Mariah-, almost Aretha-vibe of her voice. Paula calls it the best vocal of the night. Simon says it was the best song choice, the best vocal, simply the best, better than all the rest.

Interview segment. Melinda, what is the first tape or CD you ever bought. She bought Michael Jackson's Bad. Remarkable.

Melinda Doolittle's second song will be How Can You Mend a Broken Heart. At rehearsal, Barry wants to know why Melinda won't sing the "how can a loser ever win" lyric. Melinda politely explains that Momma Doolittle didn't raise no fools, and she'd rather not sing about being a loser on American Idol. Case in point: Phil Stacey going down in a blaze of glory. Barry laughs and goes along with it, but he's totally calling her a bitch with his eyes.

I was really hoping Melinda would liven things up with her second number. If I Can't Have You would've been nice. But this a ballad, and as good as Melinda is, I just can't get excited about it. She certainly sells the song as best she can, but at this point, I just wanna have fun. There's some belting at the end, which helps.

Judges. Randy thought it was much better than the first song. Paula agrees that it was a beautiful vocal, saying that Melinda is a throwback to Stephanie Mills. Wow, that's one deep grave to be dug up. I forgot Stephanie Mills even existed. Then Paula's memory chip fails, and she repeats her earlier comment about bringing more to the show than just good vocals. What is Melinda supposed to do, pull bananas out of her ass? Simon thinks Melinda will be in the semi-finals.

Blake Lewis returns with This Is Where I Came In, which I've never heard before in my life. Obscure songs are not the way to play it at this stage, Blake. Sing what we know and sing it well. Don't throw mystery meat at us. He sounds great in rehearsal--until he starts beatboxing.

This performance has the potential to be good, but Blake really half-asses the verses of the song. And the chorus. The lead-in to the chorus is okay...at least he's attempting to sing...but then he throws in the beatboxing and pisses me off again.

Judges. Randy says it was better than the last one, "but you ain't gotta beatbox on every joint, dude." Paula defends it, but Randy says it gets old. Then Paula showers Blake with more praise and says he sang "spot on key." Paula has spot-on-brain. Simon is like what the hell was that?

Back from commercial, we find Ryan interacting with Judge Judy, who I love. Seriously, I watch her show all the time. She's great, although if I had to stand before her in court, I'd be terrified. Even Seacrest admits being scared of her. He then tries to introduce Simon's mom, who's 200 years old and propped up in the next row, but Judge Judy runs amok and goes over to Simon for a kiss. Sorry, Mama Cowell, you're not as interesting as a libidinous TV judge. Other celebs in the audience include Julie Cooper from The O.C. , Kristy Swanson, still rocking her faux-Anna Nicole look from last week's Law & Order, and Hank Azaria, who appears in things.

LaKisha Jones, round two. She'll sing Run to Me. She rehearses with Barry. It's all good. Another ballad.

On stage, Angry LaKisha is gone, and Dull LaKisha is back. I think I was chit-chatting when this first aired, or in the kitchen. LaKisha doesn't hold my attention. She belts at the key change. Loses her voice on the very last note. Meh.

Judges. Randy says it was good, it was good. Paula calls her a champ. Simon says it was better than the first song, but it still wasn't great. It never is, man.

Jordin Sparks closes the show. She'll sing Woman in Love, an awesome song. Not as good as Guilty, maybe, or What Kind of Fool, and I'm gonna shut up now because if I go on about this 27-year-old Barbra Streisand album, I'll lose all credibility here. At rehearsal, wow, Jordin works this song out. Barry predicts Jordin will be "one of our great female recording artists."

This is a stand-and-sing, which is good, because by staying put, Jordin can keep control of her voice. She's really, really terrific here. I got the chilly bumps at one point, and I don't think that's happened since Tamyra Gray in Season One. Awesome. This was the best of the night.

Judges. Randy, in one breath, says it was pitchy, but let's give props to Barry Gibb. Huh? Way to douche. Paula calls Jordin beautiful, "but...I love you, anyway." I really wonder what they hear in that studio, because Chris Richardson was the King of Pitchy and they loved him. I've listened to Jordin's performance twice now. It ain't pitchy. Maybe this is a ploy to garner the kid some sympathy votes. Simon thought it was "old-fashioned and very pageanty...but you're 17 Jordin, aren’t you?" His says this with amazement, as if it's new information.

And here we are, at the end of another fine...well, adequate...hour of American Idol. Tomorrow night, we lose another one. My pick was Blake, because whatever he was doing had nothing to do with singing.

Let's see if I was right...
--Frank