Top Six: Results Show (5/2)

Six become four.

by Frank Pittarese

"Last week, we played nice in the name of charity." And by "nice," Seacrest means "making Jordin Sparks weep uncontrollably." It's all good. She's up on stage, happy as can be. The others, not so much. "Tonight, it's a very different story as time runs out for two contestants. The votes are in, but who is out? This is American Idol."

Seacrest takes the stage. He looks a little puffy tonight. "Once again, we'll be stretching this show into a full hour, and I promise, no filler." He mugs for the camera. "Sure... " Nice to know there's at least one person affiliated with this show who admits they're wasting our time. He promises guest-appearances tonight, along with performances from Bon Jovi and, for no reason whatsoever, Robin Thicke. Who? I'll explain when we get there.

Judges. Randy, why did rock and roll work for the Idols last night? "Everybody stepped up their game...they worked it out." Paula, contestants have been criticized for getting too far away from the original track. Last night it worked. Why? "Gooble gobble booble slobble." I don't speak Paulish. Meanwhile, Simon is tugging at the back of her neck, like she's a ventriloquist's dummy. "I'm not your puppet!" she says.

"We've seen his puppet," Seacrest says. "You're much prettier." I, like Simon, thought this referred to Simon's girlfriend.

Simon is all put out. "If you're gonna be obnoxious, I'm not gonna answer your questions...I'm being serious. You're really being rude about my girlfriend so you can apologize."

"I was talking about something else," Seacrest explains. "You know what I was talking about." I can only assume the so-called puppet was Simon's penis.

Flashback. It was Bon Jovi night. Jon Bon Jovi woke himself up from a nap to be the Idol's musical mentor. Phil sang about going down in a blaze of glory. That will turn out to be quite apt, except for the "glory" part. Melinda "brought some church" to her song, after being instructed to do so by Bon Jovi, who, at the time, was doing an impression of Florence the maid. Jordin sang Livin' on a Prayer, which was awful in every possible way. Blake dyed his hair black, just to annoy me, and sang about half of You Give Love a Bad Name while beatboxing the rest. It was either brilliant or stupid, depending on your taste, which is either bad or good, respectively. The judges loved him. LaKisha sang This Ain't a Love Song, which somehow led to Simon trying to stick his tongue down her throat. L'il Chris said he was Wanted Dead or Alive...but I don't think anyone really wants him, aside from Blake.

Filler. Seacrest does his man-on-the-street thing. They really need to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't leave the building. He asks various middle-aged people about last night's show. They say all the appropriate things about loving the contestants and Bon Jovi. Because Bon Jovi is for Moms. Some girl says everyone did a good job—except for Jordin. Burn! Another girl likes Chris Richardson "for sure. He's, like awesome and hot and he looks like Justin Timberlake." Two women call themselves "Blaker Girls." An old grandpa says "Doolittle" stood out last night. Stop jerking my crank, Seacrest. This guy didn't watch the show. He's 85 years old. Some middle-aged character walks down the street wearing black shorts, black socks, and bright red clogs. He liked Melinda, too. Another woman says "Phil rocked the house," and that her kids were jumping up down when he sang. First of all, her kids are idiots. Second, they need to not shoot these things on a school day, because these old people are whack.

On stage, the kids are in their chairs. But first, how does Blake come up with these unique arrangements. He has a computer program. Was he worried before the show? He just wanted to go out and have fun. Was it tough for Jordin to hear that she sucked donkey nuts? She gave it all she had, which was all she can do. Was Phil allowed to listen to pop music as a child? No, because his father was a pastor, and Phil lived the true story of Footloose. What kind of a kisser is Simon, LaKisha? Good, and she would do it again. Seacrest: "No, no, no, as we heard earlier, he has a girlfriend and it is very serious. Trust me." This sends Simon into a fit of laughter. See, Ryan was talking about Simon's penis!

Idol Alumni. Ruben Studdard, wearing his finest off-the-rack shirt from K-Mart, asks us to donate to Idol Aid. "You believed in me, now believe in this." I believe I will fast forward to the next bit.

Flashback Filler. Last week was the big Idol Gives Back event. In case you missed it, here it is again. This version is better because it's about an hour and fifty-eight minutes shorter than the original. It went down like this: celebrities, Ellen Degeneres, poor people, singing, AIDS, more singing, illiterate people, filler, filler, Zombie Elvis, Bono stepping off the cross, the Simpsons, filler, and singing.

Performance. Remember Alan Thicke? He played Dr. Seaver, the dad on Growing Pains. His TV son, Kirk Cameron, grew up to be super-holy and went on to make movies about the rapture, which he really believes is going to happen any minute, so drop your linen and quit your sinnin'. Dr. Seaver's real-life son is Robin Thicke. Yeah, he named his son Robin. But if you're thinking that's a girl's name, Robin is here to shut you up by singing his R&B single, Lost Without U, in a high, ladylike, falsetto while wearing a John Waters moustache on his lip. Why is he here? Because the show is an hour long.

Idol Alumni. Fantasia Barrino wants us to donate to Idol Aid. "Be a blessing to somebody, and watch you be blessed." Fantasia writes fortune cookies in her spare time.

Ford ad. Set to the tune of Paint It Black, by the Rolling Stones. Blake is the ringmaster at a circus sideshow. He's wearing eyeliner (again), but he looks kinda scary here. The Idols pull up in their Ford. Ooh, it's a drive-thru sideshow. Don't feed the freaks! Inside, the Idol passengers see themselves as part of the show. Melinda is a contortionist, with her ass resting on her head. Phil and LaKisha are magicians who saw a woman in half. Chris is a juggler. Pssh...that's not a power. Rejected! Jordin is a mermaid, sitting atop a tank of water. Passenger-Jordin throws a ball at a target, knocking mermaid-Jordin into the tank. Jordin is racist against fish people. When the Ford pulls out of the sideshow, the "real" Idols have been replaced by the circus versions. If only that were true, LaKisha would at least be mildly interesting.

Results. Melinda, Phil, and LaKisha are directed to centerstage. With a two week combined total of over 135 million votes, "America has spoken and said...Melinda, you're safe." I think that's the third week running that Melinda's been the first to be saved.

Elimination #1. LaKisha...is safe. Phil Stacey is going home!

Flashback. Phil abandoning his wife and missing the birth of his child to audition for the show -- but family is the most important thing to him! Phil bellowing songs with his mouth as wide as a manhole. Telling us he's doing this for his family. Meeting Peter Noone. Wearing various stupid hats. Hugging Martina McBride, whoever that is. Gwen Stefani, Diana Ross, Tony Bennett. Fucking Bono, making a peace sign. Would I get in much trouble if I kicked Bono in the balls? Possibly not. Bon Jovi. J. Lo. "This is Phil, I'm out!" Yes. Finally.

Phil sings Blaze of Glory again, but once was enough for me.

Results. The back row of Jordin, Blake, Chris are made to stand, but Seacrest immediately tells Jordin to sit back down. "I messed with you so much last week, sit down, you are safe!" We must be running short on time, because otherwise, he'd make her cry again. Blake and Chris are the last boys standing.

Performance. Bon Jovi, the band, sing a song from their new album. I think it's called Make a Memory, but I forget. It's an okay mid-tempo song, but nothing to get excited about. Then again, if I were getting excited about Bon Jovi in the year 2007, I'd have serious mental problems.

Idol Alumni. Taylor Hicks asks us to donate to Idol Aid. I wouldn't donate a kidney to my own mother if Taylor Hicks asked me to do it. (Sorry, ma!)

Elimination #2. Chris and Blake are out on stage, waiting for the hammer to fall. They're in good spirits. As "best friends," Chris says he'd go home for Blake. Or with him. Seacrest asks them if they'd like to swap. Spit. No, no...swap results. Chris, then Blake, says it doesn't matter. They're going on tour together. I don't doubt that Chris would give up the crown for Blake, but my spider-sense tells me that Blake would not do the same, no matter what he says. The Brokeback Boys hug. "America voted...the result...Chris, you're going home, buddy."

Flashback. Chris gets his Hollywood ticket. Remember Hollywood? We were all so young then. Chris with five hundred thousand zits on his face. Singing on stage with various musicians. On a red carpet with LaKisha. Meeting and greeting the mentors. "If I go home tomorrow, this is the way it's supposed to be." But what if you go home today, Chris? What then?

Chris sings Wanted Dead or Alive for the second time, which officially puts this song over my quota for how many times I need to hear it this year.

Next week, Blake and the girls sing the music of the Bee Gees. Disco Night, huh? It's anybody's game.

We're almost done, people!
--Frank