Top Six: Bon Jovi Night (5/1)

Wanted dead or...no, dead's fine.

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest stands before the big screen, as clips of happy Idols flash by behind him. "Last week, there was a sigh of relief with our contestants, as one by one they learned they were all safe. But this week, two people have to go. The pressure is double." Is it really double? I mean, you're either getting booted or not. You're not getting booted more. Stupid Seacrest. "Tonight, they take on the music of Bon Jovi. Who has the chops? This is American Idol. "

Shot of the audience. There's Antonella Barba, wearing actual clothes. Gina Glocksen is there, too, no doubt cursing America out for booting her before rock week.

Seacrest thanks the viewers and corporate sponsors for raising almost 70 million dollars for the poor, diseased, illiterate, and hungry people of the United States and Africa. Again, Mexico gets no play because if we help them, there won't be anybody to clean Simon's bathroom, and that's more pain than this country can abide.

Clip Reel of Bon Jovi. The band, not the guy. Or maybe not. I'm confused. Back in the '80s when hair was big and Spoons were Silver, Bon Jovi were really famous. Like, they filled stadiums and stuff, all over the world. They were also from New Jersey, which...I dunno...gave them some sort of street cred in Bayonne. Girls enjoyed them a great deal, and the pretty ones got stand in the front row of every concert so they'd be in the video when it aired on MTV. In the '80s, MTV was a channel that showed music videos all day long. True story, kids. Stop laughing. Bon Jovi had two albums called Slippery When Wet and New Jersey that had like two hundred hits between 'em. All their songs were about being misunderstood and being in love and playing in a band. They still record today, and people continue to attend their concerts with their grandchildren. I'm sure Bon Jovi are proud of their new material, but none of it holds a candle to Bad Medicine. This I promise you.

The lead singer of Bon Jovi is a guy named Jon Bon Jovi, just like the lead singer of Led Zeppelin was a named Ned Led Zeppelin. (Sssh. I'm trying to start an urban myth.) Bon Jovi (the guy) is tonight's musical mentor. There's also another dude with him who is in the band but is not Richie Sambora. When he marries Heather Locklear, I'll take the time to learn his name.

The six remaining Idols "interrupt" a low-rent jam session Bon Jovi is having with Band Dude. Handshakes all around. Bon Jovi says, "My kids love this show," which means he's too old for his haircut. Then he says that the singers have to make the songs their own and tell the story of the songs. Hmm...we've heard that before. Bon Jovi looks like he's been roused from a deep sleep to tape this segment.

Phil Stacey will sing Blaze of Glory, from the ridiculous film Young Guns. It's a Western and Phil is "country" now, so do the math. He rehearses and Bon Jovi is impressed. This happens every week. Phil always works his mojo on the musical mentor. Bon Jovi is impressed that Phil walked in knowing the song and says he got chills listening to him sing. "It's a big voice around a big song," Bon Jovi says. Coming out of a big head.

Phil starts his performance in the audience, desperately trying to be this year's Taylor Hicks after Chris Sligh's failed attempt at the same. He sings on the mini-stage about going down in a blaze of glory, making him our very first Idol prophet. He bangs fists with Randy. He wails loudly, as is expected. Phil sounds good, although to use the show's own terms, this was a copycat performance. Nothing here was different from the original recording.

Judges. Randy reminds the free world that he actually recorded the song with Bon Jovi. Paula rolls her eyes, then literally rolls into Simon. Randy says this was Phil's best performance ever, calling him "Steve Perry on a Bon Jovi song." Randy makes less sense every week. He's the new Paula. The old Paula tells Phil he'll never forget this year of his life and adds it was the best opening of the show all year. Or maybe just tonight. Simon says Phil was like a bad actor playing the role of a rock singer. "I don't think you've got enough to last (till) next week."

Jordin Sparks tells us how nervous she was "walking into this thing." Standing before Bon Jovi and Band Dude, she says, "My mom got me into y'all." Her mom. Bon Jovi shoots Band Dude a look like, "This girl is fucking kidding me." Jordin's mom grew up on the band, she explains, and Mom, "from birth, put Bon Jovi in my face." You, dear reader, can decide for yourself how many things are wrong in that sentence. Jordin rehearses Livin' on a Prayer, which...what a weird choice. I would've paired Jordin with I'll Be There For You. Bon Jovi is all, "that note is too low for you," and Jordin is like, "his songs are hard to sing!" Bon Sleepy tells us that Jordin is 17 years old, but the girl can sing! Like Randy, he's easily amazed.

On stage, Jordin's hair is teased out to eternity, and she's added Gina Glocksen-style red streaks to it, conforming to Idol Law #36: rockers put streaks in their hair. I can't decide if she looks fierce or homeless. She's accompanied by two guitarists, but neither one can cover the mess of staggering proportions issuing from her mouth. Bum notes. Bad pitch. The confidence and talent we've seen in prior weeks have taken the night off. This a disaster -- and Jordin knows it.

Judges. Randy asks Jordin if it was tough. Yes, it was. "I recognize. I recognize," she says. Paula gives her credit for trying. Simon says Jordin's look was like something from The Addams Family. "I'm picking up where Sanjaya left off," Jordin teases. Simon calls her singing "out of control" and verging on shrieking. "It was terrible," he decides. Jordin, bless her, is still all smiles and admits that it was her week to mess up.

Interview segment. LaKisha doesn't want to sit, so she can model her "slim side." When I figure out where that is, I'll let you know. Also, she's wearing, like, a garter from the leg of a giant -- as a belt. Or corset. Her torso is all just one big equator to me. Seacrest wants to know what kind of training LaKisha had before the show. She had none before the show, outside of church, but she promises to give us "a little s'um', s'um," which pleases an oddly Amish women in the audience to no end.

LaKisha Jones says she's seen Bon Jovi on Oprah, but she's never listened to his music. Why was he on Oprah? Does he have problems with his ovaries? She rehearses This Ain't a Love Song, which Bon Jovi calls "a soul singer's song." Then he explains the song to LaKisha as if it has great meaning, and as if she'll actually pay attention to whatever he has to say. Bon Jovi says he'll bet money that she's not going home this week.

If you've seen one LaKisha performance... She stands. She sings. She waves her arms. She gestures with her hands. Louder at the end. Adequate, but ultimately, boring. Regardless, the studio audience loves her. She's not even finished yet, and they're on their feet, cheering.

Judges. Randy says LaKisha was pitchy in the beginning, but she "blew (it) out the box!" Paula says LaKisha's voice is money in her pocket. Simon: "I actually could kiss you after that. On the lips." The audience howls as Seacrest leads her over to Cowell for the big smooch. They kiss grotesquely. I'm sure we're witnessing some kind of sexual harassment here, but can't tell if it's him on her, her on him, or them on us. Wiping gloss from his mouth, he says, "You've absolutely nailed it. Nice lips...nice lips." I have no adjective for this.

Blake Lewis is up next. He'll be singing You Give Love a Bad Name and doesn't want to tell us what his "game plan" is. Bon Jovi tells him it's an "adventurous rendition." In other words: "I didn't write the song this way, Hipster Boy." Then Bon Jovi tells us that a lot of people know this song and don't want it messed with. If you listen to Jordin, those people are in retirement homes and aren't watching this show anyway. Blake says he's taking a risk, and Bon Jovi agrees. "Sixteen measures of him not singing on a show that's supposed to highlight singers...makes me wonder."

Where to begin? For starters, Blake has dyed his hair black, which I do not enjoy. I think he's wearing eyeliner, too. Also not enjoyable. Standing next to a drummer, he pantomimes putting a record on a turntable, adding "vocal stylings" as he performs the sound effects of the record dropping and static playing. Finally, he sings the song -- sort of. Every couple of seconds he does some herky-jerky record-skipping/scratching effect. After getting through the chorus, he beatboxes his little heart out. Look, people are gonna say it was great and Blake is unique and yadda, yadda, apple sauce. Here's the deal: it's stupid. This sort of thing went out with the Police Academy flicks. Blake is, what, 20-something? He's too old for this nonsense. If he were 12, I could let it slide, but this? No. Nobody wants to see an old man in a speedo and nobody wants to hear a grown-up white dude beatboxing. Blake has a voice and a good one. He should use it.

But what do I know? The audience goes crazy. They scream like King Kong is coming to eat them. I wish he would.

Judges. Randy: "You took a leap of faith, and guess what? You won. That was hot, baby!" Paula says it was amazing. Simon says half the audience would hate it and the other half would love it. "You're a very brave young man, you took a massive risk, and this is what's gonna keep you in the competition next week."

Interview segment. "Ryan Seacrest here with Justin Timberlake." By that he means Chris. Chris glares at him with murder in his eyes. I love 'em both in some stupid way, but it would have been great to see Chris deck Seacrest on live TV, because afterwards, they'd totally hug and wipe away each other's tears like two dear lady friends. Ryan wants to know what Chris tells himself before he goes on stage. "Just have fun," sayeth Chris. And don't hit Ryan, even if he's being a bitch.

Chris Richardson will sing Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive. He Mraz's through his rehearsal, and tells us that Chris Daughtrey already sang the song last year, but eff Daughtry, Chris R. does what he wants. Of course, he has trouble remembering the lyrics. Didn't Tony Bennett warn you about that, Richardson? Bon Jovi tells Chris to "find the blue note" and work that. He doesn't tell him where to find it, though, because Bon Jovi is like Yoda. "Key to good singing, it is, when find the blue note, you do." Yoda was a bit of a hole sometimes.

Chris's rendition of this song...well, it's a solid attempt. He sounds good at times, but I think in an effort to sound "rock," he's shouting, and it's not easy to shout and yodel, as he does. At times, he's straining, but this was probably one of his better performances.

Judges. Randy says Chris did this thing, and liked the "R&B turns" he put into the song. Paula says he did a good job. Simon says Chris did as much as he could do with the song, but it's not his style of music. Oh, and Latin Week was?

Melinda Doolittle receives tons of praise from Bon Jovi. "You've already got the soul. You've got the pipes. You've just gotta own it." Six singers deep and he still looks like he could fall asleep at any moment. Melinda will sing Have a Nice Day, one of the band's newer songs, which makes it infinitely less interesting to me. At rehearsal, Bon Jovi suddenly turns into an old black woman, instructing Melinda to "raise mah hands -- just testify -- it's church!" Melinda says she likes church, so this is okay by her.

On stage, she rocks out, all up in the guitarist's business, then throws attitude all over the stage. It's really amazing the way she's adapted to every genre the show has handed her so far. I'm not a fan of this song, but Melinda's performance is pretty damn kick-ass. All that "make it your own" crap you hear every week? Melinda does it, every week, without turning the song inside out, like other people named Blake. Still, the enthusiastic applause from the audience is nowhere near as intense a response as LaKisha received. And that's just queer.

Judges. Randy thought it was another great performance and liked her "Tina Turner attitude." Paula calls her a rock star about 30 times. Simon agrees with the Tina remark, and he thought that vocally, she was in a different league from the rest.

And we're done, right? Aren't we? Oh, no...not yet. Seacrest introduces a special message from the President of the United States. I'm not even joking. It's Georgie and the First WifeBot on the big screen.

Reading from a teleprompter -- he can read? -- Bush thanks the audience for raising millions for poverty-stricken children during Idol Gives Back. Somebody has to, George. You've never been much help in that regard. Just ask the entire surviving population of New Orleans. Anyway, he thanks the viewers again, and the celebrities who participated, "including Bono." Listen to this, including fucking Bono. Is he for real? He also thanks the contestants for performing. Then, George asks if he should sing something. First WifeBot reads her scripted line: "I don't know darling, they've already seen you dance." Ha, fricken, ha. They need to take this show on the road.

Seacrest reminds us that tomorrow, two people will go home, bringing us even closer to the glorious end of this season.

"Including Bono!"

Bitch, please.
--Frank