Idol Gives Back: Results Show (4/25)

Six become five...or do they?

by Frank Pittarese

The Idols are lined up in a row, dressed in white, like ghosts of themselves. Seacrest is way down at the end, yapping away as the camera approaches him. "Every Wednesday, millions of American families gather around the TV to see how their favorite votes and Idols change the life of a contestant," Ryan gibberishes. Someone's been at the Paula juice. He asks for (and gets) a do-over, because hey, it's only live TV. The gist is this: we watch, we vote, and this is Idol Gives Back.

Two things you should know about this episode right up front: it is three years long, and it is the most depressing television experience I've had since watching the final episode of Dawson's Creek. (Poor Jen!) I'll try to breeze through it as best I can, for your sake and mine. Hopefully, neither of us will want to hang ourselves by the end.

Seacrest gives us the rundown. This is the biggest Idol show ever, with the most shocking result in Idol history. It will raise millions and millions of dollars for children here and in Africa. No adults. No Mexicans. Last night, the show received over 70 million votes, which is twice the previous record of 35 million. This means they're getting their 5 million dollar check from News Corp. What is Fox itself contributing? Nothing, as far as we're told. All that ad revenue goes right into the company's pocket. If the anti-Christ is ever born, it will be the bastard child of Fox and Viacom.

Hello to the judges. Randy wears a Hawaiian shirt under a brown blazer, like he got to the door and the maitre d' wouldn't admit him. Paula wears a top courtesy of Victoria's Secret. Simon wears a gray jacket over a shirt that's open to his crotch.

Ryan informs us that while he's live in Hollywood, Ellen DeGeneres is co-hosting, also live, from the Walt Disney Concert Hall. Cut to Ellen and her own cheering masses. She jokes about the "shocking" results, and hopes she won't be kicked off. That gag went out with the first season of Survivor, DeGeneres. Ellen promises some amazing music, briefly running down the players -- but I'll let you be surprised.

Performance. Earth, Wind & Fire. These guys are like 70 years old, aren't they? The lead guitarist could be Prince's extremely gay elderly uncle. Or Prince himself, for that matter. They sing a medley of their hits Boogie Wonderland, Shining Star, and September, of which I can't decipher a word. All of them make it to the end without suffering strokes, although at least two band members soiled themselves.

Depressing Clipfest. Narrated by Randy. August, 2004, Idol holds auditions at the Superdome in New Orleans. One year later, Hurricane Katrina hits, turning the Superdome into a refugee camp. Photos of thousands of homeless people. Cut to today, as Randy tours the city. It's like a wasteland. No, it's not like. It is a wasteland. Bush should be ashamed of himself. Collapsing houses. Boarded up homes. People who were forced to move into a "temporary" FEMA trailer park are still there two years later. Crime is rampant. The kids can't play outside for fear of getting shot. One woman lives in a small trailer with her six children. She got flooded out of her home, lost everything, and now she lives here, afraid of drugs and shooting. Her little boy echoes that sentiment. The only safe haven for the local kids is the community center. About that: It doesn't have walls. Seriously, one good shove and down it'll come. The kids go there for the center's basketball games, movie nights, and dance-offs, and sure, they look happy enough, but again: no walls. This is their life in America. So, so sad.

Randy, on stage, gives us the donation info (which can also be found at AmericanIdol.com, for those who are inclined).

Quincy Jones, the man who produced We Are the World, has risen from the grave to write a special song for the Idols. He meets the kids and they rehearse. Melinda asks what his inspiration was for this song. He says something about Africa and something about Katrina. Or maybe something about jelly beans. Rare is the soul that can understand Mr. Jones.

Group sing. Quincy conducts. The song, Time to Care, is very Lion King in its arrangement. I feel like giant puppets of Timon and Pumbaa will appear at any minute. The Idols, as I mentioned, are dressed in white. Their outfits are actually white versions of what they'd normally wear. Phil is wearing ill-fitting clothes and a hat. Chris wears a hoodie over his blazer. Blake wears clothes from the year 2027. But everything's white, like their clothes have been given a terrible scare. The song is okay. It's no We Are the World, and it's certainly no Do They Know It's Christmas, but it does its job. This particular batch of six can actually sing together without it sounding like murder.

Celeb. Eric McCormack asks us to donate. "If every person that ever voted for Sanjaya gave just one dollar, we could do so much for the world." That's funny, but it would've been funnier coming from Sean Hayes or the chick that played Karen.

Celeb. David Schwimmer asks us to donate. What is this, Must-See TV's Greatest Hits? Up next: the cast of Hill Street Blues.

Celeb. In a never-ending segment, Ben Stiller threatens to sing Reminiscing, by the Little River Band, until two hundred billion dollars is raised. He proceeds to do so. Forever. This segment is a microcosm of why his movies suck.

Depressing Clipfest. Simon and Seacrest in Africa. Singing schoolchildren. Shots of a slum. 1.2 million people living in a space the size of Central Park. Visiting with a boy whose parents are dead. He lives in a one-room "house" with his sister. The boy cries over his dead parents. Seacrest comforts him. This is very hard to watch, people. More shots of orphans. Kids at school. Getting an education is the only chance for these kids to get out of this life. Another shot of the kid, crying, but smiling bravely.

Simon stands on stage for the first time ever. He looks funny up there, and faces Seacrest or the screen behind him the entire time -- anything to avoid looking at the audience. Pussy. Simon says donate.

Celeb. Ben Stiller is still singing. Why is he funny, America? Please explain.

Celeb. Terry Hatcher, dressed like a transvestite hooker, asks us to donate.

Celeb. Forest Whitaker, on location in Uganda, where he shot Last King of Scotland, asks us to donate.

Results! The six finalists will be addressed in random order, no highest or lowest. Melinda is first. America voted...and she's safe.

Depressing Clipfest. Paula visits the Boys & Girls Club in Hollywood. The boys and girls are thrilled to see her. She asks them who wants to be on stage one day, and who wants to be the President of the U.S. (almost every hand goes up). And here's the thing: these kids, regardless of how horrible their lives are, at least have a shred of hope. Hell, seeing Paula is enough to brighten their day. But those kids in Africa? They can't even hope for hope. Anyway, this club is a safe place for the kids. They can play ping-pong and pool. They can paint. A little girl tells Paula that her mom works, which is why she's at the club. Paula says that her mom worked, too, which is how she got into dancing. And Emilio Estevez's pants. The girl explains that her mom has three jobs and it's hard to pay the bills, and then she just starts crying. She's like 9 years old. This is some heartbreaking shit.

Performance. Il Divo, the young Italian pop-opera guys are on stage at the Walt Disney Concert Hall. Tonight, they're singing Somewhere, from West Side Story. Who buys their CDs? Old people? Opera buffs? One of them sounds exactly like Mighty Mouse.

Celeb. Dr. Phil asks us to donate. "You'll never stand taller than when you stoop to help a child." And you'll never stoop lower than when I kick you in the nuts, Dr. Phil.

Celeb. Hugh Laurie, of House, asks us to donate. His natural British accent sounds unnatural.

Unfunny Skit. Seacrest says a member of the studio audience will be asked up on stage to introduce the next act. That person "happens" to be Jack Black. He's sitting next to the other guy from Tenacious D. The one who looks like every next door neighbor on every sitcom ever. Jack Black is annoying. He sings Kiss From a Rose annoyingly. The judges critique him. Paula: "The School of Rock called. They want their diploma back." Simon: "You were better than Sanjaya." Sanjaya, in the audience, finds this hilarious. Someone has to. Jack Black says that if Seal were there, he's say it was an awesome performance. And guess what? Seal is there, sitting next to a blonde chick who is not Heidi Klum. "I thought that was best rendition of Kiss From a Rose I've ever heard!" says Seal. Then after some hemming and hawing, Jack Black goes away.

Results! Blake is made to stand. After a nationwide vote...he's safe.

Performance. Carrie Underwood went to Africa and shot a music video of her cover of The Pretenders' I'll Stand By You. "Every 30 seconds a child in Africa is orphaned by AIDS. Many are HIV-positive themselves." That caption starts things off, so you know it's gonna be a fun time. Faces of orphans. Carrie carrying babies. Singing her song before a gathering of kids, exactly zero of whom know or care who she is, but all of whom would rather have a meal or some medication rather than listen to her warbling. Shots of sick children. Shots of happy children, blowing bubbles and playing with paper mache Carrie dolls. Crying children. Painting children. Carrie and some kids in a cemetary, putting flowers on a grave. Carrie and a bandmate, at the bedside of an AIDS patient. Praying. Carrie crying.

Performance. Rascal Flatts sings My Wish. I wish I could skip this performance. Hey, my wish has been granted!

Seacrest, in the audience, says hello to Tom Anderson, co-founder of MySpace. That Tom ain't bad lookin'. I'm glad I didn't delete him from my friends list.

Depressing Clipfest. In the Appalachian mountains, people are poor and illiterate. They also have funny accents. "The lone beacon of light" for the kids who live in this part of Kentucky is a small school where only five of the 233 families can afford the $1.50-a-day lunch fee. The unemployment rate here is twice the national average. Nearly half the adults in this county did not finish high school A woman with children can't read, and has to ask her daughter to read to her. "The kids here have dreams, and reading is the key to their future." A girl with giant earrings likes Captain Underpants books. A boy with braces likes non-fiction books because "it ain't made up." Another boy likes reading The Chronicles of Narnia, because "it don't make ya fall asleep when you're readin' it."

Paula is up on stage, and she brought her boobs with her. She wants us to donate or something, but boobs, boobs, boobs. Does she realize her tits are out? We're trying to change the world, Paula, not breast-feed it.

Ford Ad: Part One. Set to the tune of Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love. The kids drive down the road in Fords. Speaking of which, Fox cancelled Drive today, so can I hate them even more. Anyway, the kids are driving. Phil is wearing a cowboy hat, now that he's "country." They park for gas. Each Idol gets a solo bit. Blake is ridonkulously hot in a sweater vest. How is that even possible? A sweater vest! Melinda seems to think it's 1955. Chris sings at a dog and even the dog is like, "Next!" Then all the kids go to a drive-in, to watch...

Ford Ad: Part Two. In which various B-list celebrities lip-synch badly to the Bee Gees' Staying Alive, while dancing like spastics. Keira Knightley. A tarty Terri Hatcher. Rob Lowe, holding up well for his age. Goldie Hawn, looking deranged. Lebron James (make no mistake, I had to look him up). David Schwimmer, who is both geeky and sexy while dancing. Seriously. I rewound to watch him again. Gwyneth Paltrow. Hugh Laurie. Helena Bonham Carter or the Bride of Frankenstein. Emily Blunt. Hugh Grant, who has apparently been awake for sixty consecutive days. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Shaquille O'Neal. Dr. Phil. Ryan Seacrest, not looking at all gay. Helen Mirren. Twiggy (who I thought was Lulu for a second). The Blue Man Group and Miss Piggy. Marc Anthony, who should really eat a sandwich. Chris Kattan and Lisa Kudrow. That kid from American Pie...the main one. Yeah, him. Mickey Dolenz. Kirstie Allie, dressed like a priest. What is up with her? I mean, why is she still on TV? Does she have a particular talent of which I'm unaware? Aside from being bat-shit crazy. Kevin Bacon, who needs to see Rob Lowe's plastic surgeon. Gillian Anderson...maybe? A bunch of people I don't know. And Parminder Nagra, who I love.

Results! Phil stands and smiles like a douche. "Why are you smiling? Seacrest asks. Because he's a douche, Ryan. Try to keep up. Phil: "I love you, man." Ugh. Spitwad. Seacrest: "America loves you, too. You are safe."

Clipfest of Depression. In Africa. Fourteen people living in a one-room house the size of a tent. Most of them are AIDS orphans. Some sleep on the floor, some sleep jammed in the bed. Three are HIV-positive. Simon and Seacrest go visit a woman named Emma. She's dying of AIDS. Simon is overwhelmed by the living conditions. He goes off to be by himself. They go visit Ruth, also dying of AIDS. 28-years-old with two children. She needs to get to a hospital right now. A man carries her to a truck and Simon helps her get inside. Jeez, I can barely even write this. Damn this show and its manipulations! Ruth died two days later. Donations can buy drugs, etc.

Ellen DeGeneres says $30 can buy 10 children the anti-retroviral (ARV) drugs they need. "I know that a lot of rich people watch this show -- I've been with them when we watch...tonight I am personally donating $100,000. I challenge you to match that pledge. This is ridiculous. We can do something." Bravo to Ellen.

Performance. Josh Groban, singing You Raise Me Up, of course, while backed by the African Children's Choir. Who buys this guy's CDs? I mean, aside from Oprah and those that watch her. Yuck. The kids are cute, though.

Clipfest of Depression. Julia Rogers has been to five funerals in her life. Keira Knightley attended two. Helen Mirren has been to two. Gwyneth Paltrow has been to seven. Eleven for Tom Cruise. Six for Kevin Bacon. Seven for Matt Damon. Four for Chris Daughtry. Those stats seem kinda low for me. I've been to 18 that I can remember. Big family. But John, an old dude in Africa, has been to 208 funerals. 208. Many were children, killed by malaria. Seacrest visits a clinic that serves 120,000 people. It has one ward, with eight beds. Three hundred children arrive with malaria every day. A mother brings her baby to the clinic, but he dies. Ryan holds a packet of medication which costs two bucks and can save four kids' lives. Also, malaria is transmitted through mosquito bites, and mosquito nets cost less than ten dollars. A woman hangs a new net in her home and smiles.

Ellen tells the kids watching to donate one dollar of their own money, then get their parents to donate nine. "That $10 will buy enough pills to save the lives of 20 children." Isn't it funny that you can't even get a bottle of "cheap" antibiotics for 10 bucks here in States? Okay, maybe that's not so funny. This episode is making me hate the world.

Performance. Kelly Clarkson sings a song, accompanied by Jeff Beck on guitar. She looks awful. Where'd she get that muumuu, Sack-Cloth Express? The song is Up to the Mountain, which is boring and ballady, yet inspirational, so it fits the evening's intent, if not the evening's mood. This show is a downer. I was counting on Kelly to jazz it up. Also, would it have killed her to sing on the actual Idol stage instead of the Disney one?

Celeb. Ben Stiller is like cold sore. Go away!

Mildly Amusing Skit. In an animated scene, Simon Cowell auditions for the Simpsons. Marge is in the Randy spot, Lisa gets the Paula seat, and Homer is on the end, where Simon usually sits. Toon Cowell, voiced by the real one, is nervous. He sings Don't Cha, by the Pussycat Dolls, which is awesome -- especially the "Don't you? Don't you?" part. Homer: "Lose the accent, Mary Poppins, this is American Idol." Simon wants to put on his tap shoes and try again, but Homer presses a button and Simon falls through a trap door. We hear a roar as Bart appears and says, "The lions haven't eaten this well since Dunkleman." Aww...Dunkleman.

Results! LaKisha. America voted...and she's safe!

Clipfest of Inspiration. Randy shows us what our donations can do here in America. They can buy "Emotional Survival Kits," which contain arts and crafts, footballs, a radio, and "coloring things." I believe in some places of the world, those are known as crayons. Randy playing with kids. Kids jumping. Randy throwing a ball at a little boy. Good times.

Performance. Celine Dion is "traveling back to the year she was born," which is 1968, and I can't, for a minute, believe she's under forty. She's singing with...oboy...she's singing with Elvis Presley. In a duet. On stage. He's been digitally removed from his 1968 comeback special, and slapped onto the American Idol stage against his will. Meanwhile, the whole thing has been processed to look like old, blurry videotape. This...is weird...but good. Elvis carries the performance -- which was not originally sung as a duet -- because he's friggin' Elvis. Celine is suitably restrained. Mid-song, the Idols walk over and sing backup. There's a nifty rack-focus shot just before it ends, starting on Elvis and switching to Celine. I take it there's an Elvis impersonator/body double on stage for some of the trickier shots, but this is cool. I thought I'd be offended, but no... After watching this, I'd like to see more dead people on this show, including Freddie Mercury, Janis Joplin, and Chris Farley.

Celeb. Madonna, in Africa, asking us to donate while she picks out a new child to kidnap. I mean buy. I mean adopt. She's surrounded by a bunch of kids, many of whom are HIV-positive. With our donation, we save a life.

Seacrest says that $30 million have been raised so far tonight. And 70 million expectations of being entertained have been lowered.

Performance. Annie Lennox sings Bridge Over Troubled Water. I remember being in high school and thinking she was so weird, with her bright red hair, dressed in man's suit in the Sweet Dreams video. Now she's just some old lady, playing the piano. Times do change. She sounds pretty terrific, though. Very soulful. Powerful finish.

Celeb. Rob Schneider. "I'm Adam Sandler. You're watching Idol Gives Back. " Someone should tell Rob Schneider that he's actually Pauly Shore.

Elimination time. Chris and Jordin are the last Idols standing. "Chris, you sang Change the World. Jordin, you sang You'll Never Walk Alone. " We all know Jordin was excellent and Chris...was Chris. So he's going home, right? "America voted...Chris, you're safe." A collective gasp rings through the auditorium. "I told you this was going to be shocking...Jordin you are also safe!" Everybody goes nuts. The Idols all hug. The audience stands and cheers. This is the first Idol non-elimination ever. "How could we let anybody go on a charity night?" You can't, obviously, but you can abuse them until they weep, which Jordin does, like there's no tomorrow.

But there's a catch.

Last night's votes are still valid. This week's vote will be combined with next week's, and on Wednesday, the bottom two will be sent home. Jordin continues to cry. Way to screw with her head, Seacrest.

Musical Mentor. Fucking Bono. The kids are singing around a piano while he leers at them through the door like a serial killer. He's wearing his stupid giant-lens green sunglasses indoors. Rock star. Pfft. Cock star. The Idols are rehearsing a song he wrote, American Prayer. After deciding to let them live, he finally enters the room. Bono pontificates about how this is the generation that will end poverty. Bob Geldof said the same thing 20 years ago, but he wasn't such a tool. Then Bono tells a story about how he worked in an African orphanage, and when he was leaving a guy tried to hand Bono his kid, because if the kid went with Bono, he'd live. It's probably true, and it probably happens more often than not, when rich white people walk among the starving and desperate of Africa, but I'm not into the whole Bono-as-world-saviour thing, so he can shut up now. Except not. "When you get to the top of the mountain, don't remember me, but remember the people whose lives you are transforming." The Idols all stare at him, wide-eyed, like he's Jesus. And...blech. Fucking Bono.

Group sing. So Bono wrote this song, which the Idols are now singing. He's writing the music for Spider-Man: The Musical, which is a bad idea for starters, but if this song is any indication, it will be a Broadway failure of Carrie: The Musical proportions. (For those not in the know, Stephen King's novel Carrie was adapted for the Broadway stage in 1988. It lasted an entire five performances.) The song is all "this is the time to finish what you started" and "make the light brighter." It also consists of singing the words "American prayer" 2,876 times. Anyway, the kids sing it well enough. Jordin has pulled her shit together, after getting kicked in the brain five minutes ago. Blake is still smokin'. Phil bellows like he's haunting a swamp. LaKisha's solo time is short, so she can't be boring. Chris's solo time is short, so he can't screw it up. Much. Melinda is Melinda. And then my DVR cuts out, but it's okay because the credits were about to roll, anyway.

Whew! That was an experience. Hooray for charity. They're going to have to hold another Idol Gives Back to raise money for all the people driven to chronic depression after watching this one.

Next week, we're back to the superficial show that I know and love (and sometimes hate). Two people named Chris and LaKisha will go home. And Jon Bon Jovi is our musical mentor.

End hunger. Eat an orphan.
--Frank