Top Six: Idol Gives Back (4/24)

Conspiring to inspire...

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest is seated in the show's control room. Behind him, before an editing panel and all sorts of techno-whatzis sit three guys. An editor, a producer, and a director? Maybe. Three dudes from central casting? Possibly. Ryan leans forward, desperately sincere. "Tonight, we are presenting a very special show. Now, we've got the same three judges, the same six finalists, but one huge difference." He turns to look at the monitors, of which there are many. On the screens, we see black and white close-ups of Blake, Jordin, Chris, Melinda, LaKisha, and a glowing orb that can only be the shiny head of Phil Stacey. Guess they've upped his wattage since last week. "The calls you make will not only save your favorite contestants, they will also save lives." Does this show hear itself? Ever? "This is Idol Gives Back."

Ryan steps out on stage as the Idol Gives Back logo looms behind him. Does anyone else think it looks like a logo for American Idol Snack Cakes? They're full of yo, dawg. With a pitchy chocolate shell. Seacrest didn't shave tonight, which almost makes him look grown up. He welcomes us to what "promises to be a very special night for all of us." All of us. Everyone. This show...

He tells us to watch and vote as usual, and News Corp will donate ten cents for each call for the first 50 million calls. That's five million dollars, Seacrest enthuses. About which, if News Corp really cared, they could just donate the frickin' five million. I don't think this show has ever received more than 35 million calls, anyway. Ford, Coca-Cola, and AT&T are also donating, and their ginormous logos are there to prove it. Pepsi should have matched whatever Coke was donating, just to get their logo up there and stick it to 'em. And while I'm at it, five million dollars is chicken scratch for this show. With all the ad revenue it brings in, five mill is what they spend on coffee. Sure, it's a noble cause, but don't make a monkey out of me, Idol.

Tomorrow, we viewers will be asked to donate, and there will be a "phenomenal" mentor appearing: Bono. Fucking Bono. As if this show wasn't self-congratulory enough, we'll have his nonsense to contend with. After all, Bono has all the answers, doesn't he? Where is Susan Sarandon in all this? Seems like a missed opportunity for her.

After a brief intro of the judges, Seacrest goes on about how we're going to make a difference in the lives of countless children in the poorest parts of America and throughout Africa. Countless! Do not even try to count them. It cannot be done.

Clipfest of Poverty. To the tune of a depressing Coldplay song (like there's any other kind), Seacrest and Simon board a plane bound for Africa. Then, boom, they're there. Faces of poor children. Little shacks surrounded by literally tons of trash. Walking in slow motion. Children. Shacks. Trash. A 12-year-old kid with dead parents. Same kid, crying. Guy carrying a bone-thin woman. Seacrest: "It's just horrible." Coldplay, Coldplay, Coldplay, which: also horrible. A woman unconscious in bed. I'm sure she appreciates the camera that's up in her face. Simon: "This is just intolerable." Yes. It is. Health facility. Seacrest telling us that 300 kids go there each day for treatment of malaria, "the number one killer in awl of Africa." Ryan is suddenly from Long Island. Starving woman. Whole families sleeping on the ground. Simon, devastated. "It's just unbelievable. It's just wrong." Walking through mounds of trash. A field of it. Simon: "This is quite literally hell on earth." People picking through said trash. Flies. Lots of flies. Seacrest talks about hope. Smiling faces of the poor children. Boy holding a coin. I hope he doesn't try to eat it.

Back to the show, Ryan tells us tonight's theme is "songs that inspire." What, like Wooly Bully? There's no musical mentor tonight, so the kids are on their own. If Sanjaya hadn't gone home already, he'd be dead meat tonight.

Chris Richardson is first. He's singing Change the World by Eric Clapton. "It's about how one person has the will to change someone's life." You know, like when Jennifer Aniston had that haircut? And then all those chicks got the same do, except they all looked a little broke down, because the people on Friends had stylists and the ladies at home had Aquanet. But still, that's what Chris is talking about, I think. "So just imagine what millions could do," he says. Um...maybe vote the wrong guy into the White House? Twice? Millions of people can make one hot mess, kid.

Chris is on stage, singing with a guitarist at this side. Aside from his vocal trickery, Chris likes to use musicians as props. This sounds like every Chris performance ever. He wants so bad to be Jason Mraz, but instead, he sounds like me when I sing Jason Mraz songs in the shower. (A bit of insight: I sound nothing like Jason Mraz.) Anyway, the first half is pitchy as hell, then things improve when he starts belting at the end. Meh.

Judges. Randy: "You in it to win it (sic). That was great, dude!" Paula thought he "did fantastic" and she's proud of Chris's journey. From mediocre to adequate? From so-so to okay? From stage right to stage left? Simon says it was a good vocal, a sexy performance, and he thinks Chris did really well. Simon wouldn't dare knock Chris after last week's Virginia Tech debacle. Trust me. Chris could've come out singing like Fozzie Bear and Cowell would have praised him.

Back from commercial, and there's Ivanka Trump sitting in the audience. She's the coolest thing about The Apprentice. Possibly the only cool thing about The Apprentice. Okay, there's nothing cool about The Apprentice. Ivanka is actually smiling tonight, in a Mona Lisa way. That's something.

Seacrest thanks MySpace for their participation in the show, telling us there are "already several thousand friends...for you to connect with and spread the word about how you can help change the world." Does he really think MySpace users are talking about this show in any regard besides how hot Blake is, or how awesome Melinda is, or how Jordin is just 17(!).

Clipfest of the Underprivileged. Seacrest, walking down the street, tells us how they thought it was important to spread the money throughout the United States, as well as Africa. The rest of the world can go shite. There are no poor people in Mexico. Randy returns to his home state of Louisiana to visit with families "devastated by poverty and violence in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina." Kids hug Randy. A dilapidated schoolyard. A row of trailer homes. Woman crying on Randy's shoulder: "I'm tired of struggling." Then we go to rural Kentucky, where kids in the Appalachian mountains are struggling with illiteracy. Boy: "You don't have a education, and ya can't hardly get a job." And even then, Appalachian Boy. Then we're visiting the Navajo nation of Chinle, Arizona. Quick glimpses of cute, poor children. Are they poor or illiterate? Tell us, Ryan! No. Now we're in Seacrest's hometown, Atlanta, which is dealing with homelessness. Next, Ryan and Paula visit a mobile clinic which takes care of kids who can't afford health care. Adults in Atlanta, like the rest of the world and especially Mexico, can also go shite. Girl with blue braids getting an injection. Guess she's not so poor that she can't afford blue braids. Randy playing with children. Teacher reading There's a Monster at the End of This Book, which is one of the best books ever written in the history of humanity. Spoiler: the monster is Grover! All these programs rely on donations, yadda, yadda.

Melinda Doolittle will sing There Will Come a Day, by Faith Hill. She chose it because it talks about "the problems that exist in...our world today, but it also talks about the hope for a better tomorrow, and I think that's what tonight is all about about." Tonight is also about this show patting itself on the back, but I don't think there's a song for that. Oh yeah, there is. It's called I Touch Myself.

On stage, Melinda sings about wars raging and innocence lost, foresaken children, and a better place where darkness is gone and the weak will be strong. I think she's singing about Heaven, so the lesson here is: Life is better when you're dead. Hold that thought in your hearts, poor children of Africa and the U.S., but not Mexico. She gets a crazy-ass standing ovation from the audience, like she's Barbra Streisand or something.

Judges. Randy "You're just so dope, you've got it all together. You have arrived! " Paula says Melinda is magical. Simon warns Melinda about looking surprised, then compliments her on a non-copycat performance, calling it a "vocal masterclass."

Interview segment. Seacrest asks Blake to name the biggest sacrifice he's had to make to be on this dumb show. Blake says he misses his family and friends at home. Then Ryan, apropos of nothing, starts yammering about this being a special night, with "special energy." He leans over to Blake like he's going to kiss him. That would indeed make this a special night.

Blake Lewis will sing Imagine, by Tim McGraw. Just kidding. It's the Lennon song, and it's the closest this show will ever get to airing Beatles material. Blake explains his choice. "The song is about coming together as one in an ideal world." Coming together as one would be an ideal world, Blake. Heh, heh. "We might not be able to accomplish that, but tonight we can start by making it a better place."

Blake is dressed like he's from the future while a pianist accompanies him on stage. Suck it, Chris! His voice is lovely, as usual, but the performance is dull. We're talking LaKisha levels of dull. There are no highs or lows, just two minutes of slow and steady singing. I don't know what could be done to make this song more interesting or contemporary, so despite the fine quality of Blake's vocals, I think this was a bad choice.

Judges. Randy thought was just okay. It didn't move him. Paula says the song is beautiful and simple, and Blake's emotional performance (huh?) went a long way, so she really enjoyed it. Simon says it felt sincere, but it didn't go anywhere. Still, he liked the sincerity, "so good." Then Seacrest gives the numbers and touches Blake 5,000 times. That's okay. AT&T is donating a dime for each feel.

Clipfest of Inspiration. Seacrest visits a feeding center in Africa. It feeds 150 orphans a day. Ryan serving up a plate of meat and veg. He looks good in a baseball cap. More faces of hungry children. Hungry children smiling because now they're being fed. Seacrest telling us there needs to be more of these centers. Serving more food. Balancing a giant bowl of bananas on top of his dumb head. More children eating. The end.

At the judges table, Seacrest randomly tells us that "what was interesting" was that as the kids were being served, they all waited until everyone had a plate before beginning to eat. Yes...that is interesting. It's nice of Ryan to confirm that these children won't kill each other for scraps.

LaKisha Jones will sing I Believe, by Fantasia Barrino. I believe I am bored already. Is this LaKisha's new schtick? Singing songs by former Idols? Because if so, I'd like her to cover Ruben Studdard's Sorry 2004 for it's beautiful melody and social relevance. She chose I Believe "because it inspired me, and if we all united together, we can make a difference...it's time to make a change." Thank you, Joan Baez.

LaKisha, onstage. Gesturing with her hands. Waving her arms, like she's performing a feat of magic. Her earrings are huge. She works herself into a belting frenzy, marble-mouthing the lyrics: "Trimmed a hundred thousandreams before I finely ree alized." I think she's meant to be dreaming those hundred thousandreams. The audience is on their feet at least 30 seconds before she's finished, because of Idol Law #14: loud singing is good singing.

Judges. Randy didn't think it was her best performance (booing masses), but he liked it. Paula: "You are a powerhouse of a vocalist." Then she recites an epic poem about Mariah, Celine, and Fantasia, and how they're all incomparable or something. And even though the entire free world is like "Fantasia? The Disney movie?" we swallow the lie because Randy is like "yes, exactly!" and that's how this show works. We all get in line and drink the Kool-Aid. Simon is like, "Paula Abdul talks a lot, doesn't she?" Then he clarifies that what Paula is saying is that she liked the Fantasia version better. I've never heard it, but I agree on principle. It couldn't be duller than what LaKisha sang. Simon has issues with the shouting, and the audience boos and carries on to the point where he can't make his point.

As we go to commerical, Seacrest tells us Phil will sing next. We cut to him, saluting. He's in the Navy, you know, and it would be un-American not to vote for him.

Interview segment. Ryan asks Phil what he misses most about home. Hmm...? I can't imagine what he'll say. "My two little babies." Because he's a dad, y'all. In the Navy.

Phil Stacey tells us he'll be singing The Change, by Garth Brooks. "It had a profound impact on my life," he says. So is it dedicated to the victims of 9/11? The soliders in Iraq? Babies whose fathers left them to appear on reality TV? Don't be silly. Phil is not that manipulative. "It was originally released after the Oklahoma City bombing..." He starts talking about tragedy and how we can all be heroes but enough is too much. Shut up, Phil Stacey!

This song is a ballad, and Phil sounds just like Michael Bolton. If you think that's a good thing, you're dead to me. Belting, wailing, his volume increasing geometrically till the song's end. Louder, louder still. Moaning. It doesn't sound bad, in all honesty, but Phil's yucky personality and creepy onstage demeanor managed to alienate me weeks ago.

Judges. Randy: "You're back again...with another strong performance on a very nice vocal on a very great song!" Paula thought it was fantastic. His best. Simon's only advice is that Phil should bring last week's country tone back to his voice. Now that they've found a box that fits him, he must stay in it.

Clipfest of Charitable Works. Simon visits a food resource center "just 20 minutes" from where he lives. Break out those maps and get busy, stalkers! This place gives food to thousands of Americans who don't have enough to eat. Shots of busy volunteers, packing bags full of groceries. Dude explaining how they fill out what's on the order form. So you can be hungry and choosy? Simon, in a warehouse full of pallets upon pallets of food, telling a woman he had no idea such a place existed. That happens when you earn a bajillion dollars a year. A bunch of toddlers stand in a large box. I guess human flesh is on that order form. The fat boy alone can feed a family of five. Simon saying he's never met nice people before. He hugs a teenage girl. I don't think she's into it. Simon explaining how, for one dollar, this joint will supply you with all the stuff on the table before him. On that table: two cans of Dole pineapples, a can of chili, a can of spaghetti and meatballs, a can of beef gravy, a loaf of bread, a giant box of Israeli matza, one banana, one tomato, some carrots, a head of lettuce, and a box of macaroni and cheese -- the crappy kind you've got to make yourself. Doesn't that need milk? Sorry, poor people. There's no milk in this deal. Go find a cow. You also get a can of tuna in the deal. This looks like a challenge on Bravo's Top Chef. "It's a miracle," Simon says. Then he throws poor people statistics at us.

Jordin Sparks will sing You'll Never Walk Alone, the song Jerry Lewis sings at the end of his Labor Day telethon before slipping into hibernation for another year. Jordin chose it because "it has a great message of hope," and she hopes the song is a comfort to people. "So they know that no matter what they're going through, they're not by themselves."

Jordin's performance is very understated at first, but she brings it to a powerful climax, somehow managing to keep the song's inspirational spirit intact while doing all sorts of Mariah-esque runs with her voice. Towards the end, she looks like she's about to cry. I can't really knock this. She did a good job, and she sounded much better than Jerry Lewis.

Judges. Randy thinks it was one of the best vocals on the show ever, in six seasons. Also, and I shit you not, "It's from someone that's 17 years old!" Jordin finally sheds a tear. Paula thinks she did a lovely job. Glorious. Simon says she was fantastic. "That song is about 60 years old. I think you can have a hit record with that."

Tomorrow, a parade of B-list celebrities appear. Ellen DeGeneres co-hosts. Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood sing. There's a "shocking" duet (which, if rumor is true, might also be mildly offensive). And, of course, someone goes home. Goodbye, Chris!

Charitably yours,
--Frank