Top Eight: Results Show (4/18)
Seven become six...
by Frank Pittarese"Last night, we went country and the country came back with the response." Such wordplay, Ryan, you really must do this more often. He walks past the Idol lineup, starting with Blake and ending, as usual, with Sanjaya. "Is your favorite safe?" Seacrest stops and stares at Sanjaya. There's an uncomfortable pause as Sanjaya mouths the words printed on his t-shirt: "life is beautiful." But this isn't life. This is American Idol.
Seacrest introduces the judges, then takes the time to "clear something up." In case you missed it, Chris Richardson gave a shout-out to Virginia Tech, in the wake of the shootings. Unfortunately, he did it in the same breath as defending Simon's harsh criticisms. It went something like this, "Yeah, I meant to sing nasally, but my prayers go out to Virginia Tech." While it was certainly a sincere sentiment, it came off as a sympathy vote tactic. This was compounded by the fact that one second after Chris spoke, we cut to a shot of Simon, rolling his eyes in Paula's direction. Was he reacting to Chris? Does Simon hate Virginia? Does he support mass murder? Is he a commie? This was Wednesday's controversy. (For the record, the shenanigans that follow are completely ridiculous. Simon is well within his rights to roll his eyes at whatever the hell he pleases. Thus speaketh me.)
Simon recaps the event, explaining that he was talking to Paula and not even listening to Chris speak. He never heard Chris's Virginia shout-out, and the look he shot at Paula was in reference to Chris's defense of his nasally performance. So we're okay, right? Simon didn't commit the horrible sin of rolling his eyes and we can all move on, agreed? No, it is not agreed. "I may not be the nicest person in the world, but I would never ever, ever disrespect those families or those victims, and I felt it was important to set the record straight."
Okay, so that did it, right? No. Seacrest exposits that Simon, Randy, and Paula chit-chat all the time. I mean, they're only the judges. They don't need to actually pay attention to what's happening on stage. The show is on for an hour. That's a long time! Now we go to the videotape. Using a picture-in-picture scenario, we revisit last night's "incident" from two angles. One replays the footage we saw, the other remains on Simon alone. If that's not enough for ya, there's full audio, too.
So Chris makes his nasal defense, and we see Simon talking to Paula (mostly about how he can't believe Chris's nasal defense). By then, Chris is well into his Virginia Tech thing, and Simon clearly isn't paying attention. "I don't get that," Simon says to Paula. "That 'I intended to sing nasally,' I don't get that." Not since the Zapruder film has thirty seconds of footage been so painstakingly dissected.
But what else happened on last night's show?
Flashback. Last night was country night, and Martina McBride stopped by to school the kids on how to work the genre. I was unfamiliar with her, but that was okay -- it looked like the Idols were, too. Jordin sang Broken Wing looking like a Disney princess. Simon thought she could win the season. LaKisha wanted Jesus to take the wheel. Just take it already, Jesus, I'm tired of hearing about it. She was dull, and Simon called her on it. Phil was suddenly retconned into being a country singer, because the alien zombie demographic isn't really watching the show. Melinda kicked ass. Blake sang a "Tim McGraw" song, which...don't start with me. Chris sang a song about The Andy Griffith Show, and inadvertently provoked an incident of almost Imus-level proportions. Also, for the uninformed, "nasally" is a legitimate type of singing. Sanjaya was his usual lackadaisical, amateurish self, which Simon hated. Seacrest threw a tantrum over it, but they kissed and made up after the show.
Filler. Ryan does another man-on-the-street interview. Who keeps letting him go outside? That can't be good for the environment. He's asking people in Hollywood what they thought of last night's show. A soccer mom liked Blake's song. Another one likes "Doolittle, Melinda." I think she's an android. Effing BJ from The Amazing Race thinks LaKisha needed to shake her shoulders more, which he demonstrates and shut up, you dirty hippie! An older couple are pulling for Phil, because I'm sure they watch the show. Some woman doesn't think the guys have it this year. BJ, again, talking. I catch fleas just watching the TV. Are we not supposed to recognize him? An Indian dude likes Sanjaya. Some high girl likes "the Chinese guy" and starts singing She Bangs.
Group Sing. Seacrest introduces the Idols as the "magnificent seven," which proves that he can count, if nothing else. They're singing I'm Alright--not the Kenny Loggins song, Caddyshack fans, but some country thang by Jo Dee Messina. It plays out like musical chairs. There are three stools, and they take turns singing, standing, and sitting. It's not too painful when they all sing together, because the worst of the bunch have already gone home, and it's easy to sing over Sanjaya. Or maybe his mic is turned off.
Filler. What do the Idols listen to in their spare time? Aren't you on pins and needles waiting to find out? I can't even breathe from the suspense of it. Melinda likes Fred Hammond and Kirk Franklin because she "has to get (her) Jesus on during the day." Ya know, with all the sinning that on this show. Haley alone must've broken five commandments. Sanjaya has been downloading country music and blues. Blake says the new Incubus album is very, very good. Jordin likes listening to Fergie's new single, Glamorous. Hmm...an interesting choice. Chris likes Maroon 5 and Jason Mraz, which I guess makes him my boyfriend now. Sorry, Blake. Phil has been listening to Willie Nelson lately. Do you see? He really is forty! LaKisha likes Yolanda Adams. Chris adds that his favorite thing right now is a CD called Herman's Hermits Starring Peter Noone: Greatest Hits Live. He holds it up to the camera, and Phil pops in, saying "I got a couple extra, if anybody wants to contact me." I'm guessing Peter doled these discs out when he guest-coached, and it's become a backstage joke. Hee.
Songtime. Why, if it isn't Fergie herself! Way to go, Jordin Sparks! What a happy coincidence. Fergie is singing Big Girls Don't Cry, a fairly catchy, up-tempo song that has nothing to do with her junk or her humps. She may not be the first former gang member to sing on this stage, but I'm pretty sure she's the first former meth addict. Another Idol milestone has been reached! Fergie sounds good during the verses, and queerly better during the chorus. Could be she's lip-synching the chorus. Could be an enhanced backup track. Could be she's just amazing and is rocking the shit out of this song. But nah.
Ford Ad. Set to the tune of I Ran by Flock of Seagulls. Aww...remember Flock of Seagulls? This one has a plot! Phil, dressed like a Man in Black, puts a silver briefcase on a table at an outdoor café. LaKisha, in giant Easter parade hat, swipes it. She gets into her Ford, but the case is lifted out through the sunroof via a wire. The wire is being operated by Chris and Jordin, who are dressed like S.W.A.T. people. Blake, in a trenchcoat, fires a laser--from his umbrella--at the wire. The case falls, and Blake snatches it, but he's literally tripped up by Sanjaya, who is either dressed as Neo from the Matrix or Naomi Campbell. Sanjaya takes the case to his hideout, a garage, in which sits another Ford. He opens the case and finds...car keys?!? Huh. That was dumber than the whole final season of Alias.
Idol Gives Back. Is next Wednesday. Has a MySpace page. Is "the most important event in American Idol history." Will have "the biggest names in the business." Is already getting on my nerves.
Finally, we get down to business of culling. All the kids are lined up on stage. Seacrest will split them into two groups, one with the highest number of votes, the other with the lowest number of votes.
Group One is Sanjaya, LaKisha, and Blake.
Group Two is Phil, Jordin, and Chris.
Melinda is left alone. Seacrest tells her she's safe. But nothing is ever easy on this show (except Ryan). He asks Melinda to pick the one that she thinks is safe. In other words, judge these bitches. Watching this live, on Wednesday night, I said out loud that if it was me, I'd sit my ass right on the ground and refuse to decide. Guess my Charles Xavier powers are kicking in, because that's exactly what Melinda does. She sits on the floor and doesn't budge. The room goes crazy. Seacrest, realizing it's a losing battle, directs Melinda to Group Two. That group is safe.
That means the bottom three are Sanjaya, LaKisha, and Blake.
Judges. Randy thinks it's crazy that Blake is up there. Paula says all of them should be proud, but that she understands why two of them are there. Simon says he's "beginning to sense something here." I have no idea what that is.
Back from commercial, and everyone is seated. It looks like Sanjaya has been crying. Fair enough. He's made us cry for weeks. Since there's a solid 15 minutes of show left, Seacrest introduces us to more...
Filler. The Idols go to see Shrek the Third. At Dreamworks, they meet Jeffrey Katzenberg. That's cool and all, but what does he really mean to them? He's just some old, bald dude. He shows off Shrek's Oscar for Best Animated Feature Film. A Shrek director walks them through some storyboards. The kids take turns voicing the characters. Antonio Banderas shows up--making a far bigger impression than the old, bald dude did--and shows them how he voiced Puss in Boots. Then they go to a screening of the movie, and I am very sorry for them.
Back live, Antonio and Jeffrey are in the audience, as well as Melanie Griffith. Remember when she was in Working Girl and was sorta famous? Bucky Covington, last year's country Idol, is sitting behind them, but he gets no play.
Songtime. Martina McBride sings. Yep...there you have it.
Elimination time. Blake immediately gets sent back to safety. I'm not done with him yet, so yay! Sanjaya and LaKisha stand with their arms around each other. This can go either way, really. She's dull and he's a joke, but she sang about Jesus, which could save her. And...he's a joke.
But the joke is over, because Sanjaya is going home.
Hugging and tears, tears and hugging.
Flashback. Simon says Sanjaya is in his own universe. Ponyhawk. Jennifer Lopez is impressed by him. Embraced by Gwen Stefani. Tony Bennett says he's terrific. Crying Girl cries. Hairdo. Hat. Peter Noone. Martina McBride. Hugging his sister. Squatting in front of Paula. Hairdo. Hairdo. Hula. Signing autographs. Diana Ross gets the final word. "Sanjaya, to me, is love." And love, to her, is asparagus. Words take on a whole new meaning when you're Diana Ross.
Melinda comforts LaKisha. The audience gives Sanjaya a standing ovation. Seacrest says we won't soon forget him...but we will, eventually. Sanjaya sings us out, changing the lyrics of Something to Talk About to refer to his hair, then confusing himself and forgetting the real lyrics. That's the story of his life.
Next week, Idol Gives Back.
But what did it take in the first place?
---Frank
