Top Seven: Country Night (4/17)

Martina McWhoNow?

by Frank Pittarese

It's a very solemn Ryan Seacrest that greets us tonight. "At this difficult time, we want to say to all those affected by the terrible tragedy at Virginia Tech, our thoughts and prayers are with you. This is American Idol. " Because, of course, in their horrible state of grief, those affected by the tragedy are turning to this show for emotional support. Also, woo-hoo, time for country music!

Seacrest says that country music has been good to many of our previous Idols. Sure, there's Carrie Underwood and...um...yeah. Carrie Underwood. "Tonight, the next generation takes their turn as the competition really heats up." No, now it really heats up. Really.

But who's our musical mentor, Ryan? Kenny Chesney? Shania Twain? Dolly Parton, perhaps? Nope, it's Martina McBride, to which I say "Huh" and ask, "Who?" Thankfully, the show has time to kill and will explain everything to me. (And in case you're wondering, I know nothing about this genre, which, if nothing else, puts me on equal ground with all seven of these contestants.)

The Clip Reel of Martina McBride. She is "a contemporary country music superstar." Her vocals and lyrics have taken country music by storm for the last 15 years. Seriously? Fifteen years? Ms. McBride needs to hire a new publicist. Her "inspirational country anthems" have won over 23 awards. Also, judging from this clipfest, she's shot a lot of music videos.

We find Martina singing one of her songs, the pyromaniacal Independence Day, pianoside, with the Idols. There are no starstruck reaction shots this week, because who, exactly, is this woman? She interviews that country music is about storytelling, and that for her, the best songs sound like conversation. She thinks the kids shouldn't worry about the genre, but rather, they should focus on the songs and the melodies. About that? This week (and last) is totally about the genre -- because it's the easiest way for the show to lay waste to the weakest players...those who lack the skill to adapt. This is rarely, if ever, actually about "the songs."

Phil Stacey has chosen to sing Where the Blacktop Ends by Keith Urban. He kisses Martina's posterior by telling her he's from Kansas, then tells us that the song "reminds him of playing in the dirt and being a country boy." It's funny that in the nine weeks since semi-finals, this is the first we've heard of Phil's "country" status. We've seen him in many incarnations: a husband, a dad, a Navy dude, a 9/11 memorializer, an alien, a Make-a-Wish kid, a Dateline predator, and a mortician-zombie. But a country boy? That's a new one.

Martina says the beginning of his rehearsal is a little stiff. Yep, that's Phil. But she likes the end of the song, and his tone. "Since the beginning, I've loved his voice."

Phil takes the stage wearing a gay shirt from Chess King, circa 1985. Seriously, Phil, gold pinstripes? He sounds as boring as ever, and this song irritates me, but he works the crowd and they enjoy him because they are a simple folk. Phil strolls into the audience, in no particular hurry, pointing at people, then hugging his family and friends. Then he hops on the mini-stage for more of the raging dullness. Singing in Randy's face. Randy grinning like a buffoon and nodding in time to the music. Horrible, awful, piercing final note. Done.

Judges. Randy: "From an accomplished producer, you could have a career, man, in country music!" That's probably true, but from the way Randy is crawling up Phil's ass, he's clearly gone insane. Paula says Phil sounded good from the beginning, but she's always drunk or whatever, so never mind her. Simon says he chose a good song, the music suited him, and they saw some personality. Well, compared to earlier weeks Phil looked both human and alive, so if that amounts to personality, so be it.

Jordin Sparks will sing Broken Wing, one of Martina's own songs. She sings it for Martina and admits to being scared, but Martina thought it was awesome. Jordin is coached to just stand firm and sing -- don't move around a lot.

So we find her standing centerstage, dressed like she escaped from the set of a Bollywood movie. Jordin, unlike LaKisha, actually takes direction, so she stands and sings as she was told. Her voice is lovely, and the song doesn't sound terribly country to me, which is a good thing. It sounds like people are cheering her throughout the song, and that's very nice. She actually sheds a tear at the end.

Judges. Randy is helpful enough to remind us that Jordin is 17. Seven-freaking-teen! "That was the bomb, man!" Paula says she loves Jordin and that she did a fantastic job of telling the story. I think the lyrics helped, too. Simon says this is the first time that he's actually believed Jordin can win American Idol. Seacrest climbs up a ladder, then steps on a box, and once he's close enough to be seen standing next to Jordin, he asks if she gets nervous before or after a performance. "Afterward," she says.

"So...now?" he says.

"Yeah, right now. Stop it!" Then they giggle 'cause they're the best girlfriends ever.

Interview segment. Before we get to the question -- which, incidentally, is finally for Sanjaya -- we're "treated" to a shot of former Idoler Constantine Maroulis. He leers at us while sitting in the audience with a castmember from The Bold and the Beautiful. Although he's neither of those things, he'll be appearing on the soap soon, so be sure to miss it! Anyway, Seacrest asks if Sanjaya could pick one song for any of the judges to sing, who and what would he pick? In an unprepared response, Sanjaya says he'd choose Shiny, Happy People so Simon could show his true personality.

Sanjaya Malakar practices Bonnie Raitt's Something to Talk About for Martina. She interviews that he's typically sung in a soft voice, so she instructs him to sing out...be more confident, aggressive, and bigger. She thinks it works for him. Meanwhile, Sanjaya says his goal is to do Bonnie Raitt justice. Which, no.

On stage, he looks like the bastard child of Justin Guarini and Rhoda. His hair is all poofed out and permed, but he's gone an extra mile and reined it in under a red bandana. He doesn't sing, but sing-songs his way through this, taking the time to accost the backup singers. Wandering around. Up on the mini-stage. Wailing. Amateurish. Bad.

Judges. Randy, keeping it real, calls it karaoke, bland, and boring. Paula laughs, saying that Sanjaya thrives on adversity. She calls him a loveable guy. Simon says it was "utterly horrendous." This critique sends Debbie Allen -- yes, from Fame -- into fits of laughter. That reaction might also be provoked by a camera which is literally six inches from her face.

Seacrest steps out and gets lippy. "Even if it wasn't his best performance, you've never...you've really never liked this guy. So was it the song, or you just don't like Sanjaya?"

Simon: "Excuse me, who rattled your cage?" He waves Sanjaya to step away from Seacrest, who keeps talking. "Oh, shut up, Ryan," Simon says, adding that this has been funny for a while, but that performance was just hideous. Seacrest asks Randy if Simon would even admit to Sanjaya nailing a song. Simon answers with, "I liked him last week, big mouth." And so it goes.

LaKisha Jones will grace us with Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood. I hope he can keep a grip on it, what with his bleeding hands and all. LaKisha tells Martina of her struggles as a single parent (sympathy vote!). This helps her relate to the song. Martina thinks this is wise.

For her performance, LaKisha is wearing a nice enough dress, but she's wearing the ugliest gold boots in creation. Yes, gold boots. Her performance is both loud and boring, so congrats to her for multi-tasking. Pitchy. Dull. Uninspired. Holy. The crowd goes wild for her. Freaking wild.

Judges. Randy says she could have done more with it and given it a gospel spin. He wasn't crazy about it. Paula agrees and adds that it sounded like LaKisha was shouting. Simon says, "It was like eating a hamburger for breakfast. It doesn't go together." He doesn't think that song was a match for LaKisha. The audience boos. Simon adds that eight or nine weeks ago, she was the one to beat. And now...not so much.

Chris Richardson will be singing Mayberry by Rascal Flatts. There should be more songs that are odes to classic TV sitcoms. Maybe then The Munsters will get the respect it deserves. Chris tells us that he's comfortable with country, because he's from Virginia and was raised in North Carolina. Martina thinks Chris is good enough to be a country singer or a pop singer. "I think he really versatile." I agree that Chris can sing badly in many different genres.

He's on stage with a fiddler and a banjo dude this time. Kid likes his musical companions. He's less Timberlakey this week, but he's still doing his yodeling trick. He's also going off key every few seconds. His voice is all over the place, which is the norm for Chris, but it's a little worse this week.

Judges. Randy agrees with Martina, but says he didn't feel an emotional connection between Chris and the song. Paula says that the joy and love Chris has on stage didn't come through. Simon says that what he heard was "a very nondescript, nasally, tinny vocal...it was completely and utterly insignificant."

When Seacrest steps up, Chris announces that "nasally is a form of singing." Is he being a wiseguy?

"Oh, so it's intentional," Simon says.

"Yeah," Chris answers. Then, out of absolutely nowhere: "But I do, I do...my hearts and prayers go out to Virginia Tech. I have a lot of friends over there and I just...be strong."

At that exact moment, the camera cuts over to Cowell, who is clearly rolling his eyes while facing Paula. He appears to be reacting to Chris's statement, which, in its timing came off as a possible play for the sympathy vote. I mean, why should struggling single mom LaKisha have all the fun? But there's more to this controversy than meets the eyeroll, so tune in tomorrow for the details.

Interview segment. Seacrest asks Melinda if she's ever run into any crazy fans. Long story short, some lady saw Melinda and yelled "Oh, my God!" and ran. Melinda got scared and ran, too. But as it turns out, the lady was a fan running to Melinda. So the crazy person is...?

Melinda Doolittle is singing Trouble is a Woman by Julie Reeves, which Martina has never heard before. See, I'm perfectly qualified to be a musical mentor on this show. I, too, have strong opinions with limited knowledge. Melinda rehearses wearing a t-shirt with two little suns positioned over her nipples. The mirror is your friend, Melinda. Martina says she sold the song and was amazing.

So Melinda sings, all sassy and bold. Her hair extensions are fabulous and make her look younger than ever before in this competition. The song is upbeat, and gives her a chance to move around the stage and perform with a lot of energy. Aside from some fiddle action, the song doesn't sound very country (parts of it actually sound like Rockin' Robin), which works to Melinda's benefit. Another awesome performance.

Judges. Randy says "it was another solid performance from our resident pro." Paula loved it. "Way to go!" Simon asks that, before he compliments her, Melinda loses her typical surprised expression. She tries. "It was fantastic," he says. Simon compares her to Tina Turner, which is very true, but he really wants her to shuck her "aw, shucks."

Blake Lewis will close out the night, singing When the Stars Go Blue by Tim McGraw. Before all of North America pitches a fit, I know that this is a Ryan Adam's song. But Blake is singing the Tim McGraw version. Did you hear me complain last week when Gloria Estefan got credit for Turn the Beat Around? Did anybody care about poor Vicki Sue Robinson, aside from poor Vicki Sue Robinson? ...If she's not dead.

So Martina tells Blake that she was just talking to Tim McGraw the other day, and Tim McGraw says that he hoped somebody would sing that song, which Tim McGraw covered. You see, Martina knows Tim McGraw, and she can just chat with him, casually, like Tim McGraw is just anybody and not a famous country singer. Not that Martina's name-dropping or anything. Blake is like, what is this genre?!? But he makes the most of it in rehearsal, and Martina directs him to go to his "upper falsetto." There's an upper one?

Blake is on stage and, wow...the boy can rock a sweater vest. He makes geeky look hot. This song is pretty good. It doesn't even vaguely sound like a country song, which is probably why I like it. Then again, when put through the Blake Lewis filter, everything comes out as Europop. This is another good performance, despite a few bum notes. The show loves him, regardless, and he's even given the rare gift of a split screen.

Judges. Randy liked the vest, the song choice, the arrangement. "I love that you know who you are." Paula says Blake has the whole package and compliments his "isms." I like his isms, too, Paula. Simon thought it was okay, and thought it wise that Blake didn't go down a route that didn't suit him--then suddenly and in the same breath, "I would like to say on a more serious note...on behalf of the three of us that we would also like to offer our best wishes and support to the families of this tragedy as well. It's been a tricky week for you guys," and watch out for the whiplash, 'cause we're getting back to Blake, "but it was okay."

So another one goes home tomorrow. But who will be in the bottom three? Well, at first viewing, I was stumped. LaKisha was boring, but she worked the Jesus with a Carrie Underwood classic. The red states would have her back. Chris was awful, but his shout-out to Virginia Tech (combined with Simon's reaction) would keep him safe. So for the B3, I guessed Phil, because he's always there, Sanjaya, because he's often there, and Jordin, because she lacks the following of LaKisha and Melinda. And Phil would go home, right? Right?!?

Maybe not...
--Frank