Top Eight: Results Show (4/11)

Eight become seven...

by Frank Pittarese

Seacrest strolls past the lineup of surviving Idolers. "Last night, these eight contestants brought flair, passion, and power to our Latin special." He is the best liar that ever lied. "But even with a guiding star like Jennifer Lopez, one of them is facing the fire." He reaches Sanjaya, at the end of the line. Sanjaya hasn't washed since yesterday. "Who is going home?" They make comedic goo-goo eyes at each other, and that's reason #78 why Sanjaya will never go home. The season will end, and he'll still show up and sing every week. "This is American Idol! "

Among the applauding masses are Eva Longoria, who plays a thoroughly unlikeable character on Desperate Housewives, Sharon Osbourne, wife of Ozzy, and Miss Donna Mills, former star of Knot's Landing. She's sitting behind Eva Longoria, although we don't see her till later in the show. Even then, it's an accident. Pay attention, Eva. Today, you're on the cover of TV Guide, tomorrow, you can't even get a passing close-up on a reality show.

Seacrest asks the audience to yell out the name of their favorite contestant. The audience says, "Lajayaleyindajordakephis!!" Ryan promises an action-packed show for us tonight. I can only hope that entails gun violence. With an hour to kill, mayhem is essential.

Hello to the judges.

How would Randy score last night, overall? "To the human ear, you think these Latin songs are easy to sing." Dogs, apparently, feel otherwise. "But they're really hard...but I think the kids did pretty good."

Did Paula see a new side to the contestants? "Many sides," she says, laughing like a fool.

How does Simon feel about his critique of Sanjaya? "It was a compliment."

Group sing. The song is Enrique Iglesias's Bailamos. Chris gets his solo out without killing me. Melinda is above these hijinks. Haley and Sanjaya get a mini-duet, singing their part together. It's horrible and off key and more, please!! The others generally sound good. Phil still looks like he's about to expose himself in the back of a movie theater. Dude, lose the hats! Blake and LaKisha are paired. They dance together in the hopes that some of his personality will rub off on her. She's almost smiling, so...maybe? Chris sings the "tonight we dance" line, and I laugh, because I always think the next one will be "in our underpants." Blake is like a special guest-star on this show. He just stands out. Sanjaya attempts to tongue kiss America and I'm forced to look away till it's over.

Filler. Seacrest does a man-on-the-street bit at the Farmer's Market in Los Angeles, questioning strangers about the show. Frodo says Jennifer Lopez was helpful. An old fella says she's from his old neighborhood in the Bronx. A teenage boy doesn't know what to say when asked how the contestants did. Today's youth is easily befuddled. I blame MySpace. An amateur porn producer liked "the girl running around in the skimpy clothes." Two girls carrying huge "Blake" signs talk about Melinda. An adorable little girl doesn't like anybody. Make her a judge! Seacrest tells two women that Jordin is 17 years old. Have you heard?!? Crabman from My Name is Earl says he enjoyed the girl who sang Conga. "The big girl, wearing all red." Two soccer moms don't know who Chris is until Seacrest describes him. That says it all, wouldn't you agree? Finally, he gets a middle-aged woman to give him a kiss. It's okay. Kissing Ryan is like kissing a Smurf. He's small, made of plastic, and children love him.

Songtime. Akon, who appeared on the show with Gwen Stefani, is here to sing his song Don't Matter, which we're told is #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. I've never heard it before. I'd never heard of Akon before a few weeks ago, but a significant chunk of the audience is singing along, so color me ignorant. It's a catchy little reggae song with a lazy summer kinda vibe. Not bad, I guess.

Ford Ad. Set to the tune of Happy Together, by the Turtles. The writers of these things are getting lazy. Here's the "plot" of this one: a car pulls to a complete stop in an empty tunnel. Chris is the driver. He bobs his head and morphs into Jordin. Jordin morphs into Phil, etc., etc. The car morphs, too. The end. Morphing. Michael Jackson's Black or White video was how many years ago? Be here next week, when the kids drive through a Pac-Man maze.

Idol Gives Back. It's coming in two weeks, so break out the duct tape and Saran Wrap. Corporate sponsors, donation pleas, blah, blah. Cut to a tape of Simon in Africa, with a bunch of schoolchildren. There's a big metal box on the floor that looks like it was air-dropped by the Dharma Initiative. Simon explains that this is "an entire schoolroom in box," containing enough reading, writing, and 'rythmatic supplies to educate eight children. All for $183. Call now and get an extra set of bread knives, absolutely free. One of the kids shows Simon a drawing she's done of him, in which she's given him boobs. "What are those? What are those? That's what you have on a woman."

"Yes," the kid says.

"Are you saying I have those?"

"Yes," the kids says, and reaches out with her chalk to touch Simon's man-teat.

"I'm not very happy with you, Caroline."

Back in Hollywood, Simon, Paula, and Randy are laughing their asses off. "Even in Africa, they think you need a bra," says Seacrest. Simon turns red with embarrassment.

Then Ryan wants to know if they raise 20 million dollars for charity, will Simon get up on stage and sing. No. 22 million? No. 25? No. 26? No. To be continued, I’m sure.

Filler. Tony Bennett taped some fake audition footage, where he sings and describes himself as "39" then "80-ish," and this is intercut with old footage of the judges rejection comments. Yeah, hilarious.

Flashback. Last night on Idol, the kids met Jennifer Lopez: actress, singer, dancer, model, police officer, astronaut, and Queen of Frakistan. The actual theme was "Latin Night." Blake sang a song by Jennifer's husband. Jordin and LaKisha sang Rhythm is Gonna Get You and Conga, respectively. After they sang, we gave our gifts to the bride and left. Haley was in such a rush to sing, she forgot to get dressed. Phil sang Maria, Maria while being questioned by Chris Hansen of Dateline: NBC. Chris performed a rocky version of Smooth, but the judges praised him for reasons I haven't yet figured out. Well, Paula just thought he was hot. Melinda tried to be sexy, came off as comfortable, and Simon said she looked old. And after spending the night in a refrigerator box on the streets of Hollywood, Sanjaya crawled out long enough to sing a ballad and make love to the camera. If the concept skeeves you out, you should have seen it.

Seacrest quickly interviews some contestants. Was Simon too tough on Melinda's performance? She respects his criticisms. Was Haley offended by Simon's remarks? It hurts a little bit, but she doesn't think she was dressed inappropriately. "It was Latin Week," she says. So show the world your junk! Blake wrote song lyrics on his wrist during rehearsal. Did he keep them on during the show? No. Does Phil feel safe? He's blessed to be here.

And now, the business. The Idolers stand up, one at a time.

Phil is in the bottom three. LaKisha is safe. Jordin is safe.

Sanjaya is... "I'll get back to you," Seacrest says.

Melinda is safe. Haley is in the bottom three.

Sanjaya is... "No, not yet. We're not ready."

Blake is safe. He and Chris diddle their fingers together.

Chris and Sanjaya are left. "Sanjaya...sit down again, you're safe." Chris is in the bottom three.

So that's Phil (again), Haley (again), and Chris (again), bottoming out (again).

Immediately after the break, Chris is sent back to safety. The audience howls with joy. I howl with rage, because it's time for...

Filler. More of J. Lo coaching the kids. "Can we pop a squat right here?" she asks? Pretty. Chris says she's a normal person. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she got. She's just, she's just Jenny from the block. Jordin says she's down-to-earth and cool. Blake says she's "passionate in her words." Sanjaya says he hopes that Jennifer picked up on his passion. "Maybe I'll get her number later...and we won't have to tell Marc Anthony about any of that..." Kid, you are fooling no one. Also, ewww.

Songtime. Jennifer Lopez performs Qué Hiciste, the single from her new album. None of it is in English, but from four years of high school Spanish, I understand the following words: hope, house, and tomorrow. Make of that what you will. This is quite a production number. Jennifer sings with all the passion you've heard about, and the dancers do their thing with great vigor. Smoke machines go buck-wild. Flashing lights. Pyrotechnics. None of that half-ass Diana Ross crap here. This is like watching a concert.

Elimination time. Phil and Haley stand alone, in a cloud of smoke still lingering from J. Lo's performance. Phil is all grins, Haley is not. "After the highest vote of the season...over 35 million votes...Phil, buddy, you are safe. Haley heads home tonight on American Idol. "

Flashback. Haley at auditions, dressed like Charlie's Angels. Getting through to Hollywood. A photoshoot and legs, legs, legs. Shaking ass during British Invasion Week. Simon perving, "You naughty little thing." Meeting Miss Ross. Meeting Gwen Stefani. Lulu. Bennett. Making the sexy-sex upstage and down. "I'm living what I've been trying to get to all my life. I just want to enjoy every bit of it." But not here, Haley. Not here.

Haley turns the beat around once last time before falling into the abyss. This time, she's wearing pants.

Next week, it's Country Night with Martina McBride.

Yay?
--Frank