Top Eight: Jennifer Lopez Night (4/10)
Latin music is Greek to me.
by Frank PittareseThe kids are huddled backstage, with Seacrest in the center. They giggle like bullies who won't let him pass. Chris R. is videotaping the whole thing with a hand-held camera so that after Ryan is pantsed, we can watch his shame on YouTube. "Latin Night tonight...are you ready to make the call?" This is American Idol! "
Seacrest strolls out on stage to the usual standing ovation. The cast of Drive applauds enthusiastically, including that guy from Firefly. It must be nice to be on a Fox show where you get these little perks before you get cancelled after six episodes. Best of luck to Drive, though. If Bones can make it, there's hope for everyone.
Hello to the band. Hello to the judges. "It's gonna be a spectacular show," Ryan promises. "Two words for you: Jennifer Lopez." And that makes it spectacular...how?
The Clip Reel of Jennifer Lopez. She had a string of pop hits back in the late '90s, when people were still lugging around portable CD players and renting movies on videotape. Tape! Can you imagine?! Go ask your parents, I'm sure they can tell you all about the good old days. J. Lo, as she came to be known, has also worked as an actress, appearing in such noteworthy fare as Gigli and Anaconda. People say she has a big ass, but I've seen bigger. She dated P. Diddy, was engaged to Ben Affleck, and is now married to singer Marc Anthony. Currently, J. Lo holds the #1 spot on Billboard's Latin charts with her Spanish-language CD, Como Ama Something or Other. Tonight, she serves as our musical mentor.
This week, the kids go to their coach as opposed to the other way around. We find Jennifer in the thick of rehearsing her own music when the young zombies stumble into her work space. She greets them cheerfully. Haley gets the first hug and Sanjaya is sooo thinking "bitch!" They sit on the floor as Jenny towers above them on a stool. Someday, when they're as famous as she, they might get a stool, or a chair, or even a bench. Such are the signs of success.
Jennifer tells them to be proud for providing America with things to mock every week, and reminds them that if they're going to sing latin music, they need to do it with passion. It's not about "the one who hits the highest note," LaKisha, "it's the one who makes (the audience) feel good."
Melinda Doolittle chose Sway as her song. No, I don't know it, either. Jennifer says she recorded it in Spanish, making it the closest anyone will get to singing a J. Lo song tonight. Jennifer tells Melinda to be sultry and sexy. "Act like you got a neck, girlfriend!" Well, she doesn't say that, but she would, if this were Top Model. Necks are very important in modeling.
Melinda looks as sexy as she can manage, in a tight black dress, with her hair fluffed out. The song, though unfamiliar, sounds good coming from her, but this is nothing I'd want to hear more than once. She hits a big note at the end, and as always, is a tiny bundle of professionalism.
Judges. Randy thought it was a solid performance, if not her best. Paula thought it was very sultry and smooth. Simon: "Well it had to happen, Melinda. I didn't like it." He says the song was about personality, Melinda appeared much older than she is, and it came off as cabaret, lazy, and wooden.
"I'm happy because...he really wanted to say something bad, and I'm glad he got the chance," Melinda jokes to Seacrest. Even Simon has to laugh at that one.
Interview segment. Seacrest asks LaKisha why she tried out for Idol. She wanted to provide a better life for her daughter. And buy nice things. And have fame. And destroy her enemies. By the way, I was mistaken when I said last week that all the contestants -- except for Sanjaya -- got an interview segment. LaKisha was the last holdout -- except for Sanjaya, still. He's not getting a turn tonight, either.
LaKisha Jones gets coached by J. Lo on how to say "conga," because that's what she's singing, Conga, by Miami Sound Machine.
"COhn-ga," says Jennifer.
"Kahn-guh," says LaKisha.
"COhn-ga," says Jennifer. She's wasting her breath. LaKisha ain't even tryin' to hear that. Then Jennifer helps her out with some basic choreography, and it's performance time.
LaKisha starts off on the mini-stage, wearing a black and red dress. She looks great, but man, even with this up tempo song, there's not a random hint of personality. She gestures and shakes her ass to the point where she's out of breath, but the song isn't connecting. Hell, even Paula is still seated, and she'd dance to the sound of running water. This performance is a flashback to every wedding that's happened since 1986. I have visions of overweight men in cheap suits, dancing drunkenly with women in tacky, low-cut dresses and big hair. They're all wearing leis and waving glo-sticks as they begin dragging people into a conga line. Maybe I should change the channel before Phil sings Hot, Hot, Hot and I'm forced to jump off the roof.
Judges. Randy loved that LaKisha had a good time and made the song her own. She was? She did? Paula tells LaKisha she looks lovely. Uh oh. Then she calls the performance "safe." Simon agrees, saying it's a fun performance song, but he's not sure how much fun the home viewers were having.
Idol Gives Back. Seacrest does the usual push for this event. Rascal Flatts has signed on (I can never recall if that's a "he" or a "they"), along with Annie Lennox, Il Divo, and Earth, Wind, and Fire. This show is gonna be how many hours long?
Chris Richardson will sing Smooth by Santana (featuring Rob Thomas). Does this qualify as latin music? Rob Thomas is a white dude -- and a Scientologist. Chris rehearse for J. Lo, who thinks he's singing the song in too low a key and directs him to adjust accordingly. Bad. Idea.
Whatever key he's performing in does not fit the lock of my ears. I've ranted about how the boy can't really sing, but the boy can't really sing. You've heard it all before. Timberlake runs, yodeling, bouncing. Every Chris Richardson routine is like the one before, which makes him reliable, if nothing else. I've got to go on record as saying this is possibly his worst performance ever. Do not listen to the judges because they lie.
Judges. Randy says Chris did a really good job. "Very cool!" Paula says it was a hot performance and that he was sexy. Simon didn't think it was the best vocal, but he preferred it to the first two because it felt contemporary and it was a good performance. This show is crazy sometimes.
Haley Scarnato rehearses Turn the Beat Around. It's the Gloria Estefan version which somehow legitimizes it as part of the theme. So if Gloria Estefan sang a cover of The Devil Went Down to Georgia, would that qualify? I'd like an answer, dear Show. Haley can't sing the song without a drum beat of some kind, so they call Blake in to beatbox. We should all have such a purpose in life. Jennifer says the song is "almost like a rap," and that Haley will have to "throw it at people" to win this week.
This instruction is interpreted by Haley as "sing the song in a washcloth." Actually, she's wearing a sheer top (with, thankfully, something under it), high heels, and either hot pants or panties. I don't know from lady things. Seven million teenage boys lose their virginity just by watching this performance, which goes something like this: jiggle, jiggle, legs, bounce, bounce, legs, jiggle, ass, vagina, jiggle. Did Haley learn nothing after last week?
Judges. Randy, keeping it real, calls it karaoke. Paula says it's a fun song and Haley had fun with it. Not as much fun as those boys hitting the rewind on their TiVos. That 'bloop-bleep' you hear is the sound of one hand clapping. Simon says Haley has a very good tactic: "Wear as least amount of clothes as possible." The camera pans up the length of her body. Bloop-bleep. Bleep-bloop. Simon throws it at Haley, letting her know that vocally, she's not as good as the other girls, "so all you can do is have fun." Next week: hummers, live on stage.
Phil Stacey will sing Maria, Maria by Santana. He practices with J. Lo and gets a little buggy because he's singing next to Jennifer Lopez herself. Of all the people to get starstruck by, this is who he picks. Jennifer is like, "Yo, stupid, sing the song to somebody. Like, in your life." We're not told who he chooses, so this song could be dedicated to his wife, his fellow sailors, or Chris Sligh.
What is this song? I've never heard it before. "You remind me of West Side Story. " That's a lyric. So she reminds him of death by gang violence? (Don't write to me about how Maria is a character in the story. I know this already.) Phil reminds me of The Addams Family. Here's another lyric: "To the sound of a guitar/played by Carlos Santana." There's a close-up of some dude in the band, playing guitar. He's not Carlos Santana. Phil...he's trying to be sexy or romantic...something positive, I’m sure. But he's just gross. There's a "40-year-old guy hanging around the high school parking lot" vibe about him. I'm telling you, nobody dresses like this who isn't up to shenanigans. Note to Phil: Stop shopping at the To Catch a Predator store. Vocally, he's okay. Better than Chris, for what that's worth. At least he understands the concept of singing. But yuck.
Judges. Randy says some of it was boring and Phil didn't connect with the passion of the song, but he has a great upper range. Paula thought it was "a real good vocal." Simon says Phil's a nice guy who chose a good song, but it was lifeless and flat. Like that's news.
Seacrest comes up to give the numbers and Phil babbles about how his daughter just got a stuffed cow and she calls it "Simon Cow" and stop trying to get "aww, he's a daddy" votes, you clown!
Interview segment. Jordin gets her second moment in the chair. If she were in charge of next week's theme, what would it be? "'80's music, because I love it!" Jordin is my new best friend.
Jordin Sparks meets J. Lo and rehearses her song, The Rhythm is Gonna Get You by Miami Sound Machine. Gloria Estefan made herself a dollar tonight, eh? This is another annoying wedding song, of which there are many (Caribbean Queen, anyone?), and as awful as they are, it would have been a better theme than what we've got. Jennifer wants Jordin to rock it like Michael Jackson--but with her nose still attached.
So yeah, there's Jordin. Making iced tea out of lemonade or however that saying goes. This song was overplayed twenty years ago, so there's not much she can do to make it interesting, but she works it and hits the right notes, managing to be interesting, young, personable, etc. I'm not inclined to vote for her, but I'm sure she'll do fine.
Judges. Randy says she's 17! And you know what she was a week ago? Seventeen! Jordin, astoundingly, has been 17 for several consecutive weeks. NASA scientists rush to Hollywood to investigate this strange phenomenon. Randy says she was a blast. Paula says of Jordin, "You're so authentic and you're you." I'm glad, because for a minute, I thought she was Bea Arthur. "You're adorable," she concludes. Simon felt it was an okay performance...nothing stunning.
Blake Lewis will sing I Need to Know, by Marc Anthony, the aforementioned husband of Jennifer. This song vaguely reminds of that "Mama's Gonna Buy You a Mockingbird" nursery rhyme. I hate it. Jennifer tells Blake to sing the song with meaning...to get into the passion of it. Basically, just do whatever Phil didn't do.
On stage, Blake sings and dances sexily (but not sluttily, like some other people, possibly named Haley). He sounds fine, although, at points, I feel like he's struggling to "go big," which was one of Jennifer's other tips. I'm just not feeling this whole night, I guess. Objectively, with my dislike of the song put aside, this is a good performance. I'm simply bored.
Judges. Randy calls it a hot song choice and a hot performance. Paula says it was a smart performance, capturing the essence of who Blake is. Simon says, "Best choice of song of the night, best performance so far."
Back from commercial, we find Seacrest out in the audience, sitting with Sanjaya's family and friends. This motley crew includes his sister Shyamali, Idol auditioner Tom Lowe (who was the only member of Hollywood Week's Team Sligh to not make Top 24), and hippie BJ from The Amazing Race. That guy's a douche. Tom is sporting a Sanjaya-style fauxhawk, and BJ looks like he's been smoking his underwear.
Sanjaya Malakar tells J. Lo that he'll be singing...let me look this up... Besame Mucho. I'm seriously disappointed. I had convinced myself he was going to sing Living La Vida Loca. This song is a sedate ballad. He sings for Jennifer and she's impressed, advising him to take his time with it. "I think Simon might be impressed."
Sanjaya has grown a weak goatee for this occasion. Or perhaps it's fashioned from Chris R.'s pubes and Elmer's Glue. He's sitting on a stool, looking only a little bit homeless, and sounds...not bad--for Sanjaya. I hate to say it, but relative to Chris, he's good. Removed from that equation, he's not good. Not really. The point of singing on key is generally lost on this kid, but he does his best to sell the song, throwing all sorts of "come hither" looks at the camera. It's a little skeevy, but at least the performance isn't another comedy act.
Judges. Randy calls Sanjaya one of the smartest contestants he's ever met, then tells him it was really good. "It was!" Paula thought it was smooth and "very, very nice." Simon: "You sang like a 14-year-old, and I'm gonna hate myself for this. It wasn't horrible."
Seacrest recaps the songs and phone numbers, and as everyone stands in the "goodnight" lineup, Phil, Jordin, and Chris R. are behind him. Jordin makes little horns over Ryan's head, then chuckles with delight. Did you know she's only seventeen?
My Bottom Three predictions for tonight were Phil, Chris R., and either Melinda or LaKisha -- because it's coming time for them to be thrown a fright. I was only partially correct, but why spoil things now?
Tomorrow, an hour-long Results Show, featuring a performance by Jennifer Lopez--unless she's gets "the flu," in which case, Michael Bublé will don a wig, pad his ass, and sing Jenny from the Block.
Let's all hope for that, shall we?
--Frank
