Top Nine: Results Show (4/4)

Nine become eight...

by Frank Pittarese

My DVR missed Seacrest's opening remarks, but I'm sure it went something like this: "Nine contestants have risked life and limb to stand before you tonight, and one will not survive to see tomorrow. Sanjaya, Sanjaya, Sanjaya. You are in control and I am Fox's monkeyboy. This is American Idol. "

Seacrest says we've got a packed half hour coming up, plus a fantastic live performance (by Tony Bennett? My mother is watching because she was promised Tony Bennett), and some other stuff I have no interest in. Hello to the judges. Paula is wearing a top made out of doilies. Before you can blink, it's time to review last night's festivities.

Flashback. The Top Nine met Tony Bennett, who was dressed like a Batman villain. The theme was American classics...or something. They never said it out loud, so it might have been songs with the letter "q" in them. Blake sang Mack the Knife and was less cutting edge than usual. Haley sang Ain't Misbehavin' like a lunatic hooker. Chris Richardson did his tricky trickster thing, where he fools us into thinking he's actually singing, but he isn't. Melinda, as always, was outstanding. Do something so I can make fun of you! Sanjaya sang Cheek to Cheek, forced Paula into an impromptu dance, and welcomed Simon to the Universe of Sanjaya. They went there on Star Trek once. Kirk and Spock put Tribbles in their shirts to see how they might look as ladies. Gina sang Smile in an un-rocky fashion. Guess who's gonna pay for that mistake? Jordin was the world's most lovable showbiz kid, and Phil auditioned for the next Tales from the Crypt movie by performing Night and Day like a rogue undertaker. LaKisha closed the show by doing her usual arm-waving and note-belting, to the delight of the studio audience, if not necessarily to me.

Ford Ad. Set to the tune of the reggae song, One Love, this videomercial finds our remaining Idolers working at the Eco Auto-Wash, where minimum wage is a lofty ambition. A filthy, muck-encrusted vehicle pulls up. The kids look at it with great confusion, like they're being asked to read. Gina steps out from behind the wheel, and is all, "Yeah, it's a mess. I got eyes, bitch!" The vehicle enters the car wash, and we see that inside, it's a jungle. Vines everywhere. Lizards on branches. Blake in a loincloth?!? No, no Blake in a loincloth. But it's all very green. LaKisha extracts suds from a blossoming flower, while Phil and Jordin squirt each other with vines that double as hoses. I think that's what the internet means by "watersports." The vehicle is eventually scrubbed down to reveal a Ford Hybrid, and special guest-star Kermit the Frog hangs an air freshener from the rearview mirror. "I love being green," he says. So I guess he was lying when he said it wasn't easy. You can't trust an amphibian.

Hey, remember that songwriting competition we were told about, oh, back in January? Well, Seacrest is finally, officially announcing it. The deadline is in two weeks. Diane Warren writes most of her songs in two hours, so two weeks should be plenty of time. Now go and compose!

Seacrest has divided the contestants up into three groups. One is the bottom three. One is the middle three. And one is the top three. From left to right, the groups are arranged as follows:

Group One: Blake, Chris R., and Sanjaya. Blake's performance was shaky last night, and Chris has bottom three'd before. Sanjaya is Sanjaya, so...maybe?

Group Two: Haley, Gina, and Phil. Haley was awful last night and she knows it. Gina...nah...she was okay. And although Phil has bottomed, so to speak, in the past, he always comes out okay. Still...maybe.

Group Three: Jordin, Melinda, and LaKisha. On the one hand, who are they trying to kid? But on the other hand, there was that time Tamyra Gray not only B3ed, but got sent home. Anything is possible. But, really, who are they trying to kid?

Seacrest sends Group Diva back to their seats immediately.

Then Group Pretty Boy is sent back to safety.

Group Two is the bottom three. Haley looks like she's facing death. Gina, a first-timer in this spot, is treating it seriously, as she should. Phil is smiling like a goon, all, "Whatever, I know I’m safe!"

Before elimination time, but after the break, Tony Bennett will perform live--except Tony has "the flu" and can't appear. Damn. Just think of all the retirement home residents who stayed up past eight o'clock to watch this show. Look, at least he didn't die. Tony's replacement is...Tom Jones? Englebert Humperdink? Nope. It's Michael Bublé.

Songtime. Bublé is singing Call Me Irresponsible. I've never seen him perform before. Do his lips usually not work? He's got some mad slurring going on. Maybe he had a stroke? I shouldn't be mean. He's here as a favor to all of us. Bublé croons and strolls about. In keeping with the style of the show, he forgets the lyrics to the song. This cracks him up a little bit and endears him to me. Wow, he's the oldest sounding young guy I've ever heard. I'll buy my dad his CD for Christmas.

Seacrest comes out, there's some album plugging, then Bublé wants to know if he's wasting his votes by voting for Antonella. "I do the same thing," Ryan responds. Patter isn't a strong suit for either of these boys.

Elimination time. Haley, Gina, and Phil stand side by side. Phil is beaming. Can somebody please smack him? No wonder he got along so well with Sligh. Seacrest sends him to safety. Argh! Haley is just waiting for the end. Gina may die if this lasts much longer.

"America voted. After the highest vote this season, just under 33 million votes, Haley...you are staying for another week." Haley sobs with guilt. Gina sobs with sorrow. The Idolers faces are portraits of shock and surprise. The audience starts to "boo" with force. Seacrest keeps things moving by rolling Gina's clips. The audience cheers for her.

Flashback Reel. Gina auditioning for the third time after getting to Hollywood twice. Crying for some unknown reason. Singing in Hollywood. Making the Top 24. Riding in a convertible (every week with this footage -- when did they ride in a convertible?!). Crying for Gwen Stefani. Getting advice from Lulu. Getting enveloped by Diana Ross's wig. Posing for photos. Hugging Tony Bennett. "I'm so comfortable on that stage. I don't wanna be anywhere else. I don't wanna go home!" But y'are, Blanche, y'are.

I gave Gina a lot of crap in these recaps, and I didn't always like her, but in the end I warmed up to the kid. She really got a bum rap tonight. I actually got misty watching Gina watch her clip reel as she cried on Ryan's shoulder. Shut up.

Gina thanks us for letting her get this far, says she'll see us on the Idol tour, and sings us out with Smile , which is all the more heartwrenching because now it's true. Kiss my ass, I am not welling up. There's a thing in my eye.

Next week, Jennifer Lopez is the musical mentor. Is she really qualified? I mean, does she actually sing? JLo seems to be more of a state-of-mind than an actual singer...a fictional personification of the year 1999.

We'll see...
--Frank