Top Eight: Tony Bennett Night (4/3)

You know I go from rags to bitches

by Frank Pittarese

"Tonight we head into the world of a legend." Is it Robin Hood? Ooo, I hope it's Robin Hood! "This week, your contestants are mentored by Tony Bennett." Ten million teenage viewers ask "Who?" in perfect, nationwide unison. "Tomorrow, one of them is history. This is American Idol. "

Seacrest says tonight's show will be exceptional. I'll settle for entertaining, but will accept the compromise of mildly interesting. He goes on to say that we're expecting nine "superlative" performances, which I suppose means that at least four of the Top Eight won't be singing. Then he gives us the nutshell on Tony Bennett. He's "the master. When it comes to singing a song and telling a story, he wrote the book." Cue the clip reel.

400 million years ago, the first fish crawled out of the sea and was like, "Dude, I have legs!" Tony Bennett was there and he killed it with a rock. He's been kicking around ever since, singing songs to make your grandmother swoon. He's released more than 106 albums, won 15 Grammys, and recently recorded a bunch of duets with such notable creatures as Christina Aguilera, Barbara Streisand, and Bono, 'cause that dude is a whore. Tonight, Bennett is here to tell these lousy kids to stop making so much noise and get off his lawn before he calls the damn cops on their punk asses.

Tony "happens" to walk in on the Idolers as they huddle around a piano, singing what sounds like The Way You Look Tonight. They applaud him, as people do when they're on TV and anybody over the age of 65 appears before them, somehow actually managing to be alive. It's like at the end of Logan's Run, where that young chick sees the old man, and she's like "Hey, wrinkles!" Then they mob him in a total look-at-the-freak kinda way.

He's dressed in royal blue pants, a light blue shirt, a black tie—and a canary yellow jacket. When it's laundry day at the home, you have to wear what's left in the closet. By the way, the shoes are brown. "This is a rare group," he interviews. Is that irony? Tonight's theme is American classics, and Tony explains that this roster of songs are the best that were ever written. Apparently, he hasn't heard My Humps. He adds that these songs will never go out of style. But they will be slaughtered mercilessly over the course of the next sixty minutes.

Blake Lewis will sing Mack the Knife. Tony says that Blake was "putting a beat to it," but wants him to get to the meaning of the song. I never gave this song much thought, but after Googling the lyrics and seeing that it's about a guy -- possibly a serial killer, but probably a gangster -- who murders a bunch of people before, apparently, collecting himself some whores, I kinda like it. It's no Maxwell's Silver Hammer, but if I ever send Joel Rifkin a mix tape, I'll be sure to include it.

Tony, intolerant of Blake and everything he represents, kindly informs him that the song is "pre-rap." He hopes Blake slows down the tempo and gives each line more impact. Or he'll have to impact Blake—on the head.

The tone of Blake's voice is jazzy enough to get through the song, but despite the content, it's one of those songs that just sort of sits there for me. It's a musical cliché, of sorts, and I think it takes an attitude -- a Rat Pack persona -- to pull it off. I love Blake, but he's just too soft for this material. Still, he dances around and is sexy and hip, getting vocally stronger at the very end. He even scats as the music winds up. Basically, he infused enough "Blake" into the song that he should be safe.

Judges. Randy says that despite some pitch problems, this was the perfect song for Blake. Paula says he "personified pizazz" and calls him a "hip cat." Simon gives Blake 7 out of 10, but gives the band an extra point because they were a little bit better.

Post-break, Seacrest informs us of more additions to the Idol Gives Back event. Confirmed are Keira Knightley, Hugh Grant, Helena Bonham Carter, Forest Whitaker, Pink, Gwen Stefani, Rowin "Mr. Bean" Atkinson, and Daniel Radcliffe, whose appearance will have nothing at all to do with promoting his upcoming Harry Potter film. With all these non-singing celebs scheduled to appear, I'm dreading (but secretly, desperately hoping) for some sort of We Are the World performance. How horrible and delicious would that be? Also, what's with the British Invasion? I mean, come on, Mr. Bean?!? Anyway, the big news, Seacrest is delighted to announce, is that Kelly Clarkson will "be coming home" to sing live. Hopefully, the experience won't be traumatic for her.

Phil Stacey has been looking forward to this week more than any other on the show because Tony Bennett is his hero. Huh. Okay. He rehearses Night and Day with Tony, who tells Phil to add a little beat to it (instead of singing it like a dirge, which is what he's doing). Tony Bennett interviews that Phil is a "real good singer." It's sad when senility creeps up on the old folks.

You know that zombie at the start of Night of the Living Dead? "They're coming to get you, Barbra." Phil is the one that comes to get Barbra. He looks fresh from the coffin as he performs this morbid minute-and-a-half of monotone. On a good day, he can be a little creepy, but here? My cup runneth over--with embalming fluid.

Judges. Randy says Phil sang it good, but there was no connection...no passion. The audience boos. Paula says Phil was reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra, to which Simon hilariously says, "What? " Paula needs Phil to have more joy, though. And not be so undead. Simon steals my material, or inspires it, when he says Phil's performance had "all the joy of someone singing in a funeral parlor." It was gloomy and really dark, he says.

Phil tells Seacrest that he was just trying to focus on his wife during the song. Because he wants to eat her.

Melinda Doolittle will sing I've Got Rhythm. On the verge of tears, she says it means so much that someone of Bennett's caliber believes in her. "She's great," Tony interviews. "She has a lot of promise."

First up, love the straight hair on Melinda. She starts the song all slow and sultry, then she picks up the pace in a big way. Melinda doesn't just sell this song, she invests in it and makes a profit. Awesome, awesome, a thousand times, awesome. Standing ovations at the end.

Judges. Randy says week after week, Melinda gives everyone a lesson in singing. "This is how you do it, America!" Paula says it was a flawless performances, then babbles like a crazy person about the song having a beginning, a middle, and an end, CDs, concert halls, and the man in the moon, for all I can tell. Simon says he doesn't think they'll ever be able to criticize Melinda. Wait till country night, when they'll blame her for choosing the wrong song.

Interview segment. Seacrest asks Chris R. what he considers most when choosing a song. Chris picks something he's comfortable with, then sees if the audience will like it, and then considers the judges reaction. Are you calling everyone you know to share this juicy tidbit of information? I am.

Chris Richardson rehearses Don’t Get Around Much Anymore in front of Tony, and makes the mistake of having to read the lyrics. In Tony's day, they didn't read the damn lyrics! They carved the words on trees, and they built those trees into log cabins, and spent the long, cold winters fighting off Indians and staring at the walls of those cabins, memorizing those lyrics forever. So don't tell Tony Bennett you have to read the lyrics—he was around before there was paper. "I want you to really memorize the song," Tony says, and he pokes Chris in the chest really hard, till Chris falls over backwards. Well, maybe he doesn't, but that's just because of the cameras. Tony is convinced that Chris is an idiot.

I'll say this much, the kid performs his ass off, starting off all back-lit and silhouetted, then bopping his way around the stage, snapping his fingers and looking dapper in his retro hat and vest. Vocally, he's still imperfect, and falls back on his old yodeling tricks and wannabe-Timberlake runs. If he wins this thing, it wouldn't be terrible. They can fix his weaknesses in the studio and he'll make a million dollars. Except for the part where he wins this thing. Because he's not.

Judges. Randy says it was one of Chris's best performances of the whole season. Really? He was much better last week. "You blew it out tonight...that was very cool and young and hip!" Paula says Chris has true artistic integrity, because he didn't compromise. What is she even talking about? Simon thought it was very good, very believable, and says that Chris was probably one of the strongest tonight.

Jordin Sparks will sing On a Clear Day (You Can See Forever). Bubbly, she performs it for Tony, who interviews that Jordin "sang very much in tune, which is rare these days." She's not a whippersnapper like Blake, or a ragamuffin like Chris. Jordin is the cat's pajamas. She's a pretty nifty doll, and not that he's stuck on her or anything, but she's the bee's knees.

Jordin sings the song well, but something in her performance -- and I said this while watching it the first time, although Simon uses the word later, regarding another Idoler -- is pageanty. She's keeps making big, gooby faces, like a showbiz kid, trading in personality for talent show affectation. Looking away from the TV screen, Jordin is great on the ears, but watching it, the performance is heavy-handed.

Judges. Randy says that was the bomb. Jordin's a pro and she's seventeen. Seventeen! That's a year younger than eighteen! Aren't you amazed? We've got the eighth wonder of the world right here. "She's hot, America," enthuses Randy. Paula says that Jordin is a magnet of joy (a comment that sends Simon into a fit of laughter), and she exudes it when she's on stage. "I'm just so frickin' proud of you!" Paula exclaims. Simon thought Jordin sounded well, but that she didn't achieve what Chris did, which was to make the song young and current. Every year with this comment. Here's a tip: next year, let's eliminate the "Songs of the Dead" category. Problem solved.

Gina Glocksen will sing Smile, which was written by Charlie Chaplin, a very funny fellow, as evidenced by his many black-and-white films. Oh, wait -- I'm thinking of Popeye. Tony Bennett has never seen a dame like Gina, but still manages to be supportive. "It was very beautiful," he says of her rehearsal. Then he interviews that the song reminds him of 9/11 and the soldiers in Iraq. That's very sad, but two seconds later, he forgets what he was talking about, so it's totally okay.

Gina begins the song sitting on the Stool of Sincerity, and her performance is lovely and understated. She doesn't carry on screaming. She doesn't scat or do anything "hip." The song is a classic for a reason, and Gina treats it with respect. Therefore, we must hate her, because she's being untrue to her "rocker" self.

Judges. Randy kinda liked it. Paula thought it was flawless, beautiful, and sentimental. Simon, God, wasn't crazy about the vocal because Jordin and Melinda out-sang her. What the hell? So Gina's performance can't be judged on it's own merits? That's nonsense, Cowell. You're sleeping in the living room tonight.

Sanjaya Malakar meets Tony Bennett, and Tony immediately says that he's a big fan. He interviews that Sanjaya makes the show interesting, and we see the Boy Wonder rehearse Cheek to Cheek. Tony likes Sanjaya's sense of humor and that "he dares to be different." Sanjaya, meanwhile, tells us that tonight he wants to prove to America that he actually can sing. He stands a better chance of proving that Elvis is alive.

And here he is, off key from the very first note. Glorious. In case you're keeping track of Sanjaya's various incarnations, his hair has been straightened and he's wearing a white suit. Imagine, if you will, John Travolta's role in Saturday Night Fever as played by a young Sandra Bullock. Sanjaya struts around the stage, snapping his fingers to what he perceives to be the beat of the music. Then he briefly accosts a little girl sitting in the audience, who doesn't cry, although she has every right to. After that, he heads over to the mini-stage, where he pulls Paula from her seat (while Simon pushes), and makes her dance with him. Paula does this with the good grace one displays when dealing with the mentally retarded. Finally, Sanjaya returns to the main stage, for a toothy, and still out of tune, conclusion.

Judges. Randy says he can't even comment on the vocals anymore, although Sanjaya is definitely an entertainer. Paula says the vocals were off "in the beginning," but he's charming, and she thanks him for the dance. Simon: "Let's try a different tactic this week. Incredible. " As the vote music kicks in, Sanjaya sasses back, "Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!" The ego has landed.

Interview segment. Haley gets her second turn at bat here. Every Idoler except for Sanjaya has been interviewed once, and I have no idea why he got skipped. Maybe they trying to avoid Sanjaya overkill. If that's the case, dear Show, I'm glad the barn door is closed, but I hope you don't miss your horse now that it's gone. So Seacrest wants to know if Haley is more nervous singing before the crowd or waiting to hear the judges comments afterward. She's more nervous hearing what Simon has to say, but a great compliment from him means the world to her. Heh...just wait.

Haley Scarnato rehearses Ain't Misbehavin' before His Eminence, taking the "saving my love for you" line and adding "and you, and you, and you -- oooh! " It's the gangbang remix for the modern generation. Tony advises Haley to keep her virtue intact and sing it to just one person. "If she does that," he interviews, "it'll be a better performance." Or not.

Dressed in a sexy green mini-dress, Haley opens nice and sedate, sitting on the edge of the small stage behind the judges. But as she parades through the audience, she tosses Tony's advice out the door, adding an additional "oh, and you" to Simon. Then she flirts with some gay dude in the front row. She's still singing the song in a relatively straightforward manner, aside from the multi-partnered angle, the melody is the same. Then, chaos. The music goes wonkadoo, and Haley goes abakoobie. She snaps her head and shakes her ass, and the sounds coming out of her mouth have no relation to anything the band is playing. She's back on track by the end, but...ugh...let's just go to the judges.

Judges. Randy thought this would be a good week for Haley, but..."what do you think, Paula?"

"Did I mention green's a good color for you?" Paula says. Then she and Randy throw it to Simon, who calls them on being rude for not critiquing Haley properly. Then offers up this comment:

"I think you've got great legs."

So now we're back to that place where it's okay to shit all over Haley. Look, I'm happy to joke about her because that's what I'm here for. I admit she's not the best singer in the group, and that has more to do with her strange taste in arrangements as well as (I think) her attempts to try to stay alive on this show. The sexpot angle worked once before, so tonight she tried to stay in that zone. But to dismiss her outright; to not judge her vocals and instead, basically, say "we like your tits," is probably the most vile thing I've witnessed on this show. It's worse than mocking the special needs kids during auditions. Haley, seriously, should have walked off the stage. It would result in massive publicity, a huge surge of sympathy, and maybe give this show the slap in the face it needs.

As is, she just stands there and takes it. You can see in her eyes that she's over this crap. Seacrest gets the judges to elaborate, and Simon calls the performance "pageanty." Randy agrees, and Paula says, "You did your thing." All three should be ashamed of themselves.

We come back from commerical to find Seacrest molesting Sanjaya Malakar's father. He's wrapped around the poor man like a well-dressed chimp. Down, Ryan! Bad touch!!

LaKisha Jones sings Stormy Weather for Tony Bennett. He's impressed. "She's very good," he says. She improvs "ain't no sunshine when he's gone" to the end of the song, and Tony advises her to hit the big note when she gets there.

She looks very elegant tonight, but LaKisha's concept of showing personality means making hand gestures and waving her arms around. Really, that's all she ever does and she does it every week. Vocally, she's a little nasally, but I think it's intentional, like she's going for a Lena Horne riff by way of Eartha Kitt. It's a little off-putting. By the end, she's belting, which she always does well, and the audience is on their feet well before the song is over.

Judges. Randy loved it and says it was the bomb. Paula compliments LaKisha's dress, says she sounded beautiful, and adds that "this proves how much we all love Tony Bennett." If anyone can do the math on that, please e-mail me. Simon says it was a sassy, great performance.

And with that, another Idol experience comes to an end. Tomorrow, Tony Bennett performs -- supposedly -- someone goes home, and we'll be treated to a whole twenty-five minutes of filler!

Laters,
--Frank