Top Ten: Results Show (3/28)

Ten become 9...

by Frank Pittarese

Ryan Seacrest is a curious fellow. "Who is going home? And how will Sanjaya wear his hair?" That's right, Seacrest. Keep feeding the beast. "This is American Idol. " For better or worse. Usually worse.

Opening credits, then, in a desperate bid to get coverage on Best Week Ever, Seacrest takes the stage wearing a Sanjaya mohawk wig. It's a dumb as you might expect, but the crowd goes wild, and even Simon cracks his face for a second. "I've been Sanjayaed," says Seacrest, too dumb to realize that every one of these bits keeps Sanjaya on the show for another week. He pulls off the wig, and takes us to the clip reel.

Flashback. The Top Ten met with Gwen Stefani, who mentored them in the theme of "Gwen Stefani songs and No Doubt songs and songs from artists and bands who inspired Gwen Stefani and No Doubt and also songs Gwen Stefani and members of No Doubt might have heard on the radio at some point in their lives." Gina cried upon meeting Gwen. Actual tears. Jordin sang Hey, Baby in the wrong key, but she worked it out, regardless. Chris Richardson sang Don't Speak and, for him, did a good job. Chris Sligh couldn't maneuver his girth through the trickiness of Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. He huffed and he puffed and he blew the song down, a beat or three ahead of the actual tempo, and then wasn't interested in the judges honestly harsh criticism because he knows so much better. Phil took on the Police's Every Breath You Take, staring vacantly into the camera and looking like a vampire drag queen from Planet Chemotherapy. Melinda and LaKisha sang Donna Summer songs, and were quite excellent. Haley turned Cyndi Lauper's True Colors a deeper shade of black and blue. Blake sounded like Morrissey while singing the Cure's Love Song, except as it turns out, it was the 311 version (go listen the sample clip on Amazon). Nobody said that out loud, or Fox would have to put a quarter in 311's tin cup. Gina had the best vocal of the night with the Pretenders' I'll Stand By You. Even Simon loved it. Sanjaya threw the baby -- and his nerves -- out with the Bathwater and served the show a great big "Eff you!" He has made it his mission to force American Idol to eat its own crap. Bless 'im.

Ford Ad. Set to the tune of I Fought the Law, this one is set in the Old West, which gives it a neat Back to the Future III vibe. Gina hangs up a "Wanted" poster for Chris 'The Kid' Richardson (if any Idoler were in that predicament, it would be him). He rides into town on a black horse, looking only a little dirtier than usual, but equally as hot. The other Idolers, who are either deputies or members of the McFly family visiting from 1985, pull up in three Ford vehicles. They step out, pose, and look tough. Sanjaya is there as well. Chris R. and his horse turn tail and flee, but Gina directs her deps to give chase. I think Gina just wants the pretty pony. They pile back into their Fords and take off. The Fords never really catch up to the horse, which is a good selling point. "Ford. Our cars are almost as fast as a horse!" Still, they manage to turn a corner and cut Chris off. He surrenders, and is made to wash the three cars, because they were too lazy to shoot a lynching scene. Lame Ford ad.

Live. Seacrest is going to ask the three people with the lowest number of votes to stand in the center of the stage where they will be tortured with merciless suspense. There should be a mocking period as well, where the audience shouts obscenities while pelting them with ripe fruits and vegetables. Because nothing will inspire them to improve better than a cantaloupe to the melon.

Blake is safe. LaKisha is safe. Phil is in the bottom three. Ha!

Melinda is safe. Duh. (Although, they'll probably fake bottom-three her at some point, just for drama's sake.) Chris Richardson is safe. Sanjaya owns this show now, so of course, he's safe. Haley did foul things to True Colors, so she's in the bottom three. Sorry, kid. Jordin, meanwhile, is safe.

That leaves Chris Sligh or Gina to join Phil in the B3. But first, there are distractions and filler to which we must attend.

Seacrest rambles about the American Idol Challenge, which I usually don't cover because it's stupid, but last week's trivia winner is in the audience, and she looks remarkably normal.

Next, he goes on about Idol Gives Back, letting us know that Exxon made a big donation, and asking that other interested corporations e-mail the show. Again, not on my time, Seacrest. Find another venue in which to ask for handouts -- especially corporate ones. Bah.

Songtime. Seacrest introduces Gwen Stefani as "the embodiment of style" and "pure performance," like she's a force of nature or something. She's performing her new single, The Sweet Escape, with Akon. As best I can tell, his part involves singing "woo-hoo" at various intervals. This is quite the production number. On stage, there's a band, backup singers, male dancers, the four annoying Harajuku Girls (who, aside from being part of some fetishy collection of Gwen's, are also dancers and possibly indentured servants of some kind), the man called Akon, and finally Gwen herself, skipping to and fro, having her own good time. I suppose I like her music well enough, but I'm not as enamored of her as some are. She's okay. It's nice to see that she's keeping the spirit of 1984 alive. Watching Stefani now is like looking through a magic window to a universe where Toni Basil was more than a one-hit wonder and where cheerleaders ruled the world. A brief shot of the Idolers reveals that Gina is sooo into this, Chris Sligh is so not, while Blake is sharing some bit of gossip with LaKisha.

Applause. Seacrest. Plug for the tour. Plug for Akon. Plug for Idol Gives Back. Oy, plug it up!

After the break, we're back to business, with Chris Sligh and Gina awaiting their fate. I'm actually nervous for a second, because Gina isn't a long-term figure on this show, and as such, she can go at any time. After last night's performance, she deserves another week or two of airtime. But it's okay. Sligh is in the bottom three.

Seacrest says he'll immediately send someone to safety. After faking out Haley, he sends Phil back, leaving Haley and Sligh on stage. Then he asks the judges which one is going home (for the record, they're unaware of the result until it's read out loud).

Judges. Randy says it's a tough call. He doesn't know. Paula says it's never a fun time, and they both deserve great warmth from the audience. Should we set them on fire? Pee on them? I don't understand. Simon: "I think it's bye-bye, Curly." Hee.

Elimination time. After over thirty million votes, Chris Sligh is going home!

Flashback Reel. Auditions. Chris saying he wants to make David Hasslehoff cry. Chris saying he's bringing chubby back. Chris prancing down the red carpet at some Idol event. Chris quickly getting on my nerves. Diana Ross. Peter Noone. Gwen Stefani. "I just want to be able to do what I love," he says. But not on my television set.

Chris sings us out, and it's not worth recapping. I'd rather talk about how, in the days following his elimination, Chris said he asked the producers if he could drop out of the show, but stuck around when he learned that leaving voluntarily would get him cut from the live Idol tour. Then, on Fox Reality's American Idol Extra, he said he didn't even want to win. His only goal was to get to the Top Ten. Maybe the Top Five. But he didn't want to win, so nyah, nyah, nyah. I'm happy he got his wish.

Next week, it's the ever hip and always edgy Tony Bennett.

Tell your moms!
--Frank